Nothing Lasts Forever-Unless it's Grief

 Looks like it's been 4 years since I last posted a blog. I'm probably as good at storytelling or remembering. I feel a lot older than I did in 2022. Four years feels like forever. 

There's a common phrase people throw around in relation to parenting, hard times, or even good times. "Nothing lasts forever." People often say it so flippantly, like they are shrugging their shoulders in a 'wattado' kind of way. 

The older I get, the more I see that some things really don't last forever.

My babies aren't my babies. They don't snuggle up to me for a story or a cuddle. They don't demand fifteen hugs at bedtime, count ants on the ground, or go down the little slide a million times before scraping their knee when they tripped on a rock. 

Financial instability isn't forever. When Dave and I were first married, I made $12/hr and he made only a little bit more. We could BARELY afford to live and then we had a baby-a baby that needed sensitive formula. There were times we had to put things back when we found out the total at the grocery store. We had to live with my parents for a few months. We are lucky/blessed (whatever you want to put the blame on) that we both have degrees and good work ethic. We don't have to put things back anymore. 

Physical and mental health never stay stagnant. Everyone knows you will get the common cold or pull a muscle in a workout. Depression or anxiety are experienced throughout the year in waves. I'm convinced that everyone faces this in some ways or another. I'm sure there's anxiety when a car in front of you brakes too fast. Or depression when you hear a sad song on the radio. 

Throughout all these temporary parts of life, I'm learning one thing is eternal and it is something that will sit within you throughout your whole life (probably): Grief. 

Just a minute ago, I was flipping through reels on IG. There's a funny cat video, scroll, there's a fitness influencer talking about exercises, flip, war news, FLIP. Then this one video hits me like a ton of bricks: a dad content creator, pretending to be dead in a video game until a song comes on, and he gets up and starts dancing along. This song: I2I from A Goofy Movie. My heart hits my throat as I picture Goofy and immediately my dad's face. 

My dad was like my personal, live-in Goofy. I don't know if I ever heard him say no to anything if it was ridiculous or fun. He loved really dumb, cheesy stuff, and would love to tell you all about some crazy science fact he read about--for the next two hours. 

He's been gone for around 12ish years and that grief still hits like a ton of bricks. This world right now is so scary and hard. I would sell everything I owned to hug him again. The peace he carried around him and his calm, confidence has always been my voice of reason. He could talk anyone off a cliff figuratively (and probably literally too). 

My kids have never and will never know him on this Earth. I can tell them all the stories I know and share every single picture of his smiling face, but it won't be the same. They won't feel the loss either though.  

For me (and I assume others who knew my dad), we'll still feel that grief. If I can sit here and sob like it happened yesterday even though it's been 12 years, there's a good chance I will still feel that way in 20 years or 50 years. I was so lucky to have him as my dad. I don't have him in person, but I have a Goofy Movie and the songs to remind me of him.

2022 Double Time Now

At year's end, I like to go back and look at this blog to see how this year compared to my expectations.

Last year I didn't feel up to writing a whole year summary and honestly, I didn't really want to this year either until yesterday. It's been kind of fun to look back at 2022. It was a year of really hard work, some unexpected challenges, and a lot more adventures than we usually have during the average year. 

1. Verizon: Yesterday Dave was officially laid off from his job at Verizon. It's a pretty heavy thing. He's been there for almost 12 years. We met in a Verizon training class. Over the years, Verizon has been a rollercoaster and in the last few years, we watched layers of layoffs. We were always grateful that Dave wasn't in the mix, but this year wasn't so lucky. I think it depends on how you look at it. 

2. Autism Solutions: The layoff drove Dave into a little bit of a mid-life crisis (my words, not his). It's made him step back a look at his professional/career. He decided to try something a little different. He applied to several autism facilities, interviewed, and was offered jobs in several different facilities. With his Master's degree in psychology and his experience, he was a very desirable candidate. He accepted a position as a Behavioral Tech at Autism Solutions, which is not quite full-time to allow for education (which he starts in 2023). 

3. Universal Studies/Disney World: We pulled off a HUGE surprise for the girls in February. We flew into Georgia and drove the Orlando with Dave's Sister's family. We spent two days at Universal Studios and two days at The Magic Kingdom & Animal Kingdom, and a fun beach day at Cocoa Beach. While I loved the Animal Kingdom and would have loved to see more, I think the highlight for everyone was Universal Studios with the Smiths (Dave's sister's family).

4. Mesquite: Dave and I got a weekend away to celebrate my birthday and Mother's Day in May. It was an incredible and unforgettable trip. We got to see Cirque du Soleil-Ka and went to see the drug trip experience that is Meow Wolf. 

5. Idaho Falls: On this adventure, we went to the distant lands of Idaho Falls for the not-quite-annual Tate family vacation. Highlights included: The Potato Museum, Yellowstone's Bear World, and Reed's Ice-cream

6. Incubus: This gets a highlight because your girl does not go to concerts anymore. Merilee took me to see Incubus in August as a Mother's Day gift from her husband. The majority of their set list was old favorites, and it was incredible to see them live. 

7. Family Pictures: We did professional family photos for our little family in October. It's the first time we had professional photos taken of our family in almost eight years. I love how they turned out. It's a little alarming how much the girls have grown up. 

8. Cami: Speaking of "girls", time to highlight Cami. Despite my best efforts, she continues to grow and develop at an alarming rate. She started 2022 in 4th grade with her favorite teacher-Mr. Edwards. In the second half of the year, she was in 5th grade with Mrs. Reynolds. She also joined the school newspaper club and wrote a little article about one of the new teachers this year. Cami is really into anime/manga and Roblox. She's only 11, but the girl looks and acts like she's 13. 

 

9. Emily: Emily also continues to grow and develop, but luckily, she has stayed relatively average and at a much slower pace, she makes up for that with her abundance of energy and social skills. She started the year in 1st grade with Mrs. Alder and ended the year with Mrs. Zealley. Mrs. Zealley has been so great to have as her teacher this year. She is so patient with Emily and gives her a lot of love and encouragement. Right now Emily loves Gravity Falls, Roblox, and two book series (Rainbow Fairies & Dragon Masters). 

10: Summer Camp: This may be the last year the girls get to go to Wasatch Kids Summer Camp. It was a day camp and they had so much fun making friends and doing all the activities. Cami loved hanging out with her friends: Sadie, Emerson, and Ada. Emily generally doesn't love going to camp. She has a hard time getting up and finds camp to be "too hot", but when she's there she has a blast, especially with the crafts. 

11: Cincinnati: On our last 2022 adventure, we took a trip to Ohio to visit my sister's family. I miss them so much and it was so great to be able to spend time with all of them while we were there. I was able to meet/re-introduce to my great niece & nephew: Adri & Oliver. We drug the whole family with us to the Cincinnati Zoo to meet Fiona and bask in their HUGE insect exhibit. The best thing about this trip, according to Emily, was her discovery of five toads in Lara's window well. She named them and basically claimed them as family. 

L is for Lazy or is it for Labored

 A few weeks ago I had to create a short "get to know you" questionnaire for my new team at work. One of the questions was how would you describe yourself. I gave a few physical descriptors and "I am pretty lazy". 

It may sound like a poor decision to include that in a presentation that would be seen by my supervisor/boss. In a normal situation that would be true, but my supervisor is someone I worked with for many years and I feel confident that he knew/knows my current work ethic. 

I say "lazy" because I'm a big "completionist". Those of you who know me well, would know that I take great pleasure in finishing things-lists, projects, and stupid things like finishing a box of cereal. It's a big driver in my life. Not because the act of completing things is fulfilling (although it is), but because my brain believes that once I finish x, y, and z things will be easier/better. 

Consciously, that doesn't make sense. If I finish a box of cereal, I have to open a new one. There's no real benefit, but it doesn't have to make sense for my brain to believe it.

This week I had this insane revelation. It happened while I was sitting in church after ANOTHER stressful experience getting my girls out the door (I kid you not, it takes them 30+ minutes to get shoes on and walk out that door). Neither of my daughters care for church very much and I admit I am not perfect in my attendance since COVID-so without that consistency they have developed a bit of a fight against it. You could maybe blame that on their own stubborn personalities too, but that doesn't necessary matter.

In my head I was grumbling to myself and I started to cry. I was so frustrated because I felt like I was trying so hard in my life-specific to church in this instant. During this frustrated, angry crying mini session-I wondered why that made me so unhappy. Shouldn't the effort and things I did bring me joy? The good things bring the spirit-etc. 

Almost instantly I received a big insight. I was mad because I did all these good things in my life for the rewards I wanted in my life. I believed that when I did the completed this mental checklist in my head, I would get the blessings or things I wanted in my life. I was upset because things were still hard, just as hard as it has always been. I believed that it would get easier based on friends comments, faith, etc. In those thoughts, I discounted everything else because I didn't care about the other futures in that situation. 

What a slap in the face! That's not how life works and I can't expect my life to mirror others. My life and my family is very different from any others in history, dynamics, etc. 

Yikes, guys. I HATE the journey, I need to look to the future with hope and stuff. I wonder if that's a serious thing that is reflective of the last 12 months. Things have been hard for everyone and it's difficult sometimes to wake up and do the adult thing every day. I have to hope things will be better in the morning, next week, next month, etc. If I don't have that kind of hope and faith in the future, I would probably just quit. 

I wish I had some great resolve with that self insight, but I don't. I feel really "labored" and definitely would like things to be easier sometimes (especially with parenthood/church). Why does it always feel like there's more fight than follow inn the things that matter? That seems a little unfair. "I didn't say it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." 

Le Sigh.

Hindsight is always 2020

Literally, it's New Year's Eve this very minute and this is when I finally pull out the good ol' blog for old time sake. Surprise, surprise. In January 2020, I made zero predictions or expectations for the new year. For the first time in a long time, I let it ride.  By ride, I meant the good times. I did not expect 2020 to be so full of natural disasters, global pandemic, political turmoil, and racial discontent. 

With events so large looming over 2020, my look back at the year feels so narrow. It's like standing at the top of a giant mountain and looking back for that super cool patch of dandelions you saw at mile two. 

So just a minute, while I pull on my figurative binoculars for a look back at 2020 and it's impact/events on me and my family.

1. Myriad and me: In September I started back at Myriad as an Authorization Specialist. Thanks to the pandemic, Myriad opened up a ton of work from home positions. I wasn't planning on applying until next year when Emily would be in school full time, but the opportunity was too good to pass up.

Our cute little family 8 years ago

2. Refinance: Dave and I bought our house in 2012, in the middle of a really intense recession. The price was really good. It was still pretty high by our standards at the time, but it has paid off. We refinanced to a shorter loan timeframe and a much better interest rate. 

3. Monet in Training: Cami tried something new this year. She took an art class twice from Milk & Cookies art class. 

4. Dancing Queen: Emily wanted to continue with dance this year and wanted to try ballet dance. This girl dances ALL the time inside and outside of class. 

Not swimming,
but better than nothing :)

5. Swim Class: We hit the swim classes for both girls at the rec center this year. It was a lot closer and less intense to get them to class. While Emily did great, Cami really excelled this year with swimming. We lucked out with a private class (thanks to no one else enrolling in the class). Cami's teacher, Ashley, really pushed her beyond her comfort level. Cami hated that, but it was cool to see her really break free of those limits. 

6. Bike: During the beginning of 2020 we bought Cami yet another bike. She grows through them so quick, I feel like we buy them every year. This year was totally worth it. After only two practices at the church, she had it down. She spent a lot of the summer days biking with her friends in the neighborhood. 

7. Kindergarten: This year was a big year for Emily in a lot of ways. The biggest way is her transition into elementary school. She started kindergarten at the same school Cami attends. She even landed Cami's old elementary school teacher (who we loved when Cami was in kindergarten).

8. Georgia Peaches & Florida Beaches: We had a lot of trips planned for 2020: a fun trip for Emily's 5th birthday, Ohio to visit my sister's family, and Georgia to visit Dave's sister. We pushed them all back with the pandemic hanging over all long distance travel. We opted to only have on trip this year: Georgia with Dave's sister around Thanksgiving. All four of us haven't been Georgia and the idea of spending sometime away from the house was too good to pass up. After a wonderful Thanksgiving with the Smith's in Georgia, we rented a beach house in Destin, Florida for the most wonderful three day weekend of my life. Warm beach kinetic-sand and bright clear turquoise ocean really wrapped up 2020 on a positive note. 

9. Working From Home: With the pandemic's nasty appearance at Verizon really fast, Dave transitioned to working from home. The transition was pretty rough for Dave at first. The transfer of programs and materials together with setting up a work area took a little effort. Overall, having Dave work from home has been so great for our family. He's more present throughout the day during breaks and lunches.

10. Dave Works It; Dave has really worked hard this year with his overall health. He consistently works out and ha been counting calories. His program is set up slow, but he still lost 30+ pounds this year and managed to keep them off! 

11. Space Work: I almost wrote an entire novel this year. I say almost because I'm still 3.5 chapters off. It's still a really great accomplishment considering I worked full time for 1/3 of the year. This book is a science fiction book that's been building in my head for over five years. I'm really excited for it to come to fruition this year. The narrative is pretty straightforward and it's a first person book. I love it and I'm stoked to finish it this year, but that's another post. 

Old and busted.
I guess no picture of the new one.

12. Backyard: Our home project this year changed to our backyard. We got a gazebo and some outdoor furniture so that we can start to enjoy our backyard with the kids. It was rocky at first, the first one we bought fell apart in it's first storm two weeks later. We picked a stronger/sturdier one and it's managed to stay put-even through 100+ mph winds we had late summer.

13. Brace Free: Cami completed her first round (and hopefully her only round) of braces and was able to get them removed in February. It was a little more traumatic for a kid to get them removed than put on, but it's good to be brace-free again with her cute smile.

14. McHarper Manor Arts & Crafts: As the pandemic tightened it's hold and the chances of returning to school dwindled, I found this super rad group called McHarper Manor. They are an art class company in Cincinnati, Ohio that offered their classes for free at the end of 2019-2020 school year. The kids and I jumped on the train (irregularly sometimes) and totally embraced the inner creative. Seriously, it was so much fun to spend the extra time together doing something creative and fun.

15. Silverheart: The blessing our family needed entered our family in February. She is a precious kitty boo boo. She actively tries not to scratch people and love cuddles and pets. She may be the best thing to happen in 2020.

I think that considering the challenges that we faced during 2020, the year actually went pretty well. I really enjoyed looking back at these highlights and seeing the extra time we were able to spend together as a family. That time is when we built stronger relationships between each other. I love that! 

I also really see how we embraced our creative bones this year with art classes and painting. 

Prior to getting a job, 2020 brought me a lot of anxiety and a breakdown nearly every week. I'm a pretty social creature and I missed my friends immensely. 2020 forced me to step outside of myself in different ways and look for ways to help other people because I know that it hasn't been as kind to other people. 

I'm a fan y'all. 2020 was about creativity and love. What's better than that?

Do the dead feel love?

 Do you ever look for dead people?

I don't mean like Hailey Joel Osmond in the Sixth Sense, looking for ghosts in dark corners or cemeteries.

During the last ten days I found myself looking for my dad. I would see an older man with peppered dark hair in the airport or another much taller older man standing in line at the grocery store and I stared these men down as if I could mold them into what my brain needed. 

Obviously, these men remained strangers and not the super rad man I grew up with. He wouldn't be standing still in that line. He would probably be talking to someone nearby with that old twinkle in his eye (I swear it twinkled when he smiled). It would be a pretty useful tool to cheer others in the pandemic, the blue glittering above his facemask. On the airplane he would probably be holding a thick fantasy or science fiction book in his hands, the kind with pictures that look like they were produced in 1975.

My dad has been gone for around 8 years and man, if I had one wish that could transcend power on earth this year it would be to see my dad. 

2020 has been really hard and I wonder what this year would have been like with my dad around. I like to think he would be a light and blessing to everyone around him, including me. He was far better than I will ever be and I try very hard to exemplify the love he showed so easily. It's very difficult for me and hard to shut out the hate and negativity that I feel like a real weight in the air.

Maybe I wish for him this year and right now because I miss feeling his love. 
I am very blessed to have love from many around me, but in 2020 I want that GIANT bubble of love I felt from my dad. 

2020 broke me

We're eight months into 2020 and the human race, especially the USA have had a really rough year. I think I'm pretty safe in saying that.

There have been some very powerful moments in 2020 that have really changed me. I'm only sharing two things because these two things have given me a big wakeup call, especially with social media.

 I'm not going to go into insane detail, but I think some of these things are important for me to remember. Also note that this is a blog and therefore my experience and opinions. It's okay if you disagree with me on some of these issues, but I'm not here to start a fight.....this time.

1. George Floyd. 

Okay this is huge for a lot of reasons, but because this happened I stumbled across a video on one of my friend's instagram sotries. I'm going to summarize because I can't find the actual video. So sorry you get my poor discription and story telling.

The video is a very pretty black woman. She shares this story about an experience with racism in NYC. She's very successful and is in town to help out someone with an event or something. She's in a very nice, upscale hotel. 

In the morning she gets up early to get a coffee before her meeting or something. Her room is near the top of the hotel and she gets in. Several different people get on the elevator, old and young. She greets them all with a "good morning" and they generally respond back to her kindly.

When the reach the lobby floor of the hotel, one of the older gentlemen says, "Ladies first." in a sweet gesture to allow women off the elevator first. 

The small group of women get off the elevator and this kind woman goes to get off the elevator and this same man puts out his umbrella and stops her from getting off. He says to her very mean, "Not you."

The blatant racism is something I will likely not see in person. I know for a fact I have and will see it in social media. 

I know for a fact that I will  not be that man. But will I be the others who are afraid of confrontation, or brushing off old people as "their generation" or will I say something?

2. The election.

Yikes guys. I'm not even sure I need a story to go with this. Constant posts, pictures, memes, and such quoted as facts twisting through social media.

After a certain point, I legit think this broke me. I can't just scroll passed the misinformation, racism, or anything claiming to be factual without doing something. So ya, I'm fact checking everything I see on facebook that is claimed as truth. I'm looking at multiple sources to confirm the things I see. If there's something wrong, I'll share the links I find and correct the people. 

I can't be that person to let that kind of misinformation be spread about anything. 

Maybe you are reading this post and I've corrected you before. Or maybe you think this whole post is silly. This is a big deal for me. I've always been described as a "peacemaker" or a "people pleaser". I tend to shy away from conflict and confrontation at any level.

2020 literally broke me. I think it's a good breaking though. 

On a religious tone, Jesus corrected people all the time. He would correct them softly. That's what I"m aiming for-I don't just scream "FAKE NEWS" or "propaganda". I try to legit show how to research before just clicking "share". 

Maybe that just gets me "snoozed" or "unfriended" but I am a-okay with that. This is not the time to lose ourselves, our knowledge, or the good journalism we grew up on  in place of a faster, more flashy news that fits our perspective. 

I don't know if it will ever go back to that and I have to become like that FOR ME. 

It takes work, shuffling through biased sources, looking at both sides, but I have to and I really think we all should take the time to do that.

I look at the next generation and this kind of stuff on social media scares me to death. It will be so easy for them to look at screenshots of someones theories shared 15k times and assume it's gospel. It already is! Or what about some youtube video of a "doctor" saying this medication is a cure-all and they are being silenced (when they aren't even practicing MEDICAL DOCTORS). It's like we all need to go back to elementary school and learn how to research.

2020 broke me and made me vocal. I hope it breaks you too. 

Future Wants & Present desires

I just had this crazy epiphany and I have to write this down now. Sometimes I think about something for weeks, wrapping my brain around concepts and thinking about it in different ways and I just had this fantastic concept expand to me in a different way.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want for my life: now and future. I have some friends in different positions that I am and (I'm going to be super real here) I'm totally judging. I look at their (in my mind) naivete and youth with my ancient (ha ha) expertise and judging the crap out of their decisions.
I think these things like, "I hope they really think hard about this decision." or "I hope that they've really thought about what this will look like in the future."
To justify my judgy thoughts I think things about my own choices over the past, "If I really took a step back and thought about how the future would look, I would have done things different."
In some ways, my self-assessment is fair. I probably would do things different if I really looked at, but in some ways that wouldn't matter.
Follow me with this thought process in very general terms. When I was young, I had a lot of really weighty decisions (baby, marriage, house, relationships, etc.) I made a lot of these decisions out of necessity-I can't exactly be indifferent about a pregnancy....I made choices with a lot of thought.
I'll give one specific example because I'm pretty vocal about it.
I let go of a few friendships by choice, actively turning down invitations and non-communication. The decision to do that was a look at the current relationship with those people. One friend literally only hung out with me at parties, bars, drinking, or smoking. I looked at the future and was like, ya, that's not my game anymore I don't really want to do that. Another friend is the other extreme, super churchy and expressed judgment over my choices. I looked at the future and said, no, I want relationships and friendships with people who build me up and encourage growth.
I don't feel any regret with those specific examples, but sometimes I do feel regret about some choices. I'm human after all.
Often people say stuff like, "Humanity aren't trees, we aren't rooted to one spot. We can change and grow. End relationships, jobs, hobbies, or whatever makes you unhappy."
This thought is both inspiring and terrifying to me, but that's a different topic.
I was sitting here thinking about those things two things: examining the future/making choices, and changing them later.
I think I'm right when I say we aren't trees. I'm glad for that because how else would I get to enjoy Dr. Pepper, my sweet girls hugs, or a cute new shirt? So we're better than trees, but I would step beyond that "changing if we want" attitude.
I was talking with this lady at Great Clips yesterday (cause I'm that cheap with haircuts) and she's a big believer in astrology. We talked about signs (My entire close family are grouped under signs that are considered stubborn. No surprise there.)
When I think about stubborn, I do think of trees. They are beat upon in wind, rain, snow, animals, bugs, etc. Yet they grow tall. If it was a cute sentient acorn:

This cute sentient acorn would be like, "I want to be a tree when I grow up, a beautiful tree with luscious fluffy leaves, and perfectly shaped branches. If I grow right here in this soft ground under the sun, it's going to be perfect."
Cute acorn learns quick that this stuff is not how he pictured it. It's hard and tough, "If I was human, I could change." but he's not.
When he grows up to a tree, it's not picture perfect. He probably looks more like a really messed up Frankenstein tree, but man that view of the sky is worth it.
I don't know if that makes any sense. Quick sum up: I don't know if change is always the better option. It's okay to not be happy with the way things have turned out. Too often people are like "attitude is everything". Well, okay, but I can't really step in dog poop and be like, "Okay, that was great!" My point is embrace what life has become because it will work out. We'll all get a good look at the sunshine.
I feel like I just got a pick at the sunshine and it looks pretty good from down here. I may not be the happiest tree in the forest, but I'm in the forest and I'm growing. If I just picked up and moved my roots whenever things got hard or looked crappy, I would never grow.
I'm not making a comment on overcoming diversity or getting stronger from what may break us down. It's more a comment on attitude. Stubbornness over change.