Future Wants & Present desires

I just had this crazy epiphany and I have to write this down now. Sometimes I think about something for weeks, wrapping my brain around concepts and thinking about it in different ways and I just had this fantastic concept expand to me in a different way.
I've been thinking a lot about what I want for my life: now and future. I have some friends in different positions that I am and (I'm going to be super real here) I'm totally judging. I look at their (in my mind) naivete and youth with my ancient (ha ha) expertise and judging the crap out of their decisions.
I think these things like, "I hope they really think hard about this decision." or "I hope that they've really thought about what this will look like in the future."
To justify my judgy thoughts I think things about my own choices over the past, "If I really took a step back and thought about how the future would look, I would have done things different."
In some ways, my self-assessment is fair. I probably would do things different if I really looked at, but in some ways that wouldn't matter.
Follow me with this thought process in very general terms. When I was young, I had a lot of really weighty decisions (baby, marriage, house, relationships, etc.) I made a lot of these decisions out of necessity-I can't exactly be indifferent about a pregnancy....I made choices with a lot of thought.
I'll give one specific example because I'm pretty vocal about it.
I let go of a few friendships by choice, actively turning down invitations and non-communication. The decision to do that was a look at the current relationship with those people. One friend literally only hung out with me at parties, bars, drinking, or smoking. I looked at the future and was like, ya, that's not my game anymore I don't really want to do that. Another friend is the other extreme, super churchy and expressed judgment over my choices. I looked at the future and said, no, I want relationships and friendships with people who build me up and encourage growth.
I don't feel any regret with those specific examples, but sometimes I do feel regret about some choices. I'm human after all.
Often people say stuff like, "Humanity aren't trees, we aren't rooted to one spot. We can change and grow. End relationships, jobs, hobbies, or whatever makes you unhappy."
This thought is both inspiring and terrifying to me, but that's a different topic.
I was sitting here thinking about those things two things: examining the future/making choices, and changing them later.
I think I'm right when I say we aren't trees. I'm glad for that because how else would I get to enjoy Dr. Pepper, my sweet girls hugs, or a cute new shirt? So we're better than trees, but I would step beyond that "changing if we want" attitude.
I was talking with this lady at Great Clips yesterday (cause I'm that cheap with haircuts) and she's a big believer in astrology. We talked about signs (My entire close family are grouped under signs that are considered stubborn. No surprise there.)
When I think about stubborn, I do think of trees. They are beat upon in wind, rain, snow, animals, bugs, etc. Yet they grow tall. If it was a cute sentient acorn:

This cute sentient acorn would be like, "I want to be a tree when I grow up, a beautiful tree with luscious fluffy leaves, and perfectly shaped branches. If I grow right here in this soft ground under the sun, it's going to be perfect."
Cute acorn learns quick that this stuff is not how he pictured it. It's hard and tough, "If I was human, I could change." but he's not.
When he grows up to a tree, it's not picture perfect. He probably looks more like a really messed up Frankenstein tree, but man that view of the sky is worth it.
I don't know if that makes any sense. Quick sum up: I don't know if change is always the better option. It's okay to not be happy with the way things have turned out. Too often people are like "attitude is everything". Well, okay, but I can't really step in dog poop and be like, "Okay, that was great!" My point is embrace what life has become because it will work out. We'll all get a good look at the sunshine.
I feel like I just got a pick at the sunshine and it looks pretty good from down here. I may not be the happiest tree in the forest, but I'm in the forest and I'm growing. If I just picked up and moved my roots whenever things got hard or looked crappy, I would never grow.
I'm not making a comment on overcoming diversity or getting stronger from what may break us down. It's more a comment on attitude. Stubbornness over change.

2019: New Adventures

2019 wrapped nearly 15 days ago and I'm just now getting into my list.  2019 was a little bit more happening than past years. It definitely wasn't as heavy or hard, but there were some really difficult things sprinkled in among the fun, new adventures my family experienced.

She has no idea what it means.

1. Cami got braces: Oh man, this one was tough. We are very regular at our local dentist, every six months for a cleaning and all that jazz. Good ol' Dr. Staley took a look at Cami's x-rays this year and told us that we should check into orthodontics phase 1 now. She had multiple alignment issues with her teeth and severe overcrowding that was about to become worse with the loss of her baby teeth. We consulted a nearby orthodontics and jumped on the braces train earlier than a lot of kids. It's been a big adjustment and challenge for everyone involved. The visits are still kind of traumatic, but a lot of her issues have been resolved. Hopefully as a teenager she will spend little to no time in braces. She may not see it now, but that will be a blessing later in life (remember that part when I got braces at 25 years old after getting my bachelor's degree, getting married, and having my first kid?)

Road trip

2. Spring Break in San Diego: On a whim, Dave and I decided to drive out to San Diego to visit Dave brother's family. We road tripped the whole way there 12+ hours with the kiddos. They did incredibly well! Only struggling at lunch time when we could not find a fun play place for them to run around in. While in California, we went to a dog beach, Sea World, and a hike. The kid's favorite part of that trip was the dog beach so you know, who needs extravagant vacations?

This photo has nothing to do with his promotion.
It's my favorite from this year though. :D

3. Dave got a promotion: Dave worked hard for a promotion this year. It felt like he interviewed a lot of different places for the same job. It was so relieving when he received the promotion-and it was in Utah! It's been nice to have a little pay bump and increased responsibilities. Dave is really well-liked at Verizon and it's nice to see them recognize that.

 4. 2nd Grade: Cami started 2nd grade this year. Her teacher this year has really challenged her. It was an adjustment at first, but it's been so great to see her grow. She really enjoys reading and math. Right now she's loves learning about double digit subtraction. She's always been a numbers and letters girl. It's so fun for her to continue in that journey

I'm aware her eyes aren't open.
Smiling with eyes open is a foreign concept to Emmy.

5. Pre-Kindergarten: Emily is in her last year of pre-school at Puddle Jumpers Preschool. She thrives in pre-school most of the time. She's incredibly social and loves to talk and play. Her original teacher went back to get her degree in the middle of the school year so she recently started with a new teacher and it's been going a lot better than I expected. She rolls with the punches better than Cami (and me) do.

6. Amazon Affiliate: As a stay at home mom, I'm always looking for a side hustle. I donated plasma for the last year and a half and decided I didn't really want to FULLY DESTROY my veins. One side hustle I stumbled across was Amazon Affiliate/Associate Program. I decided to try it out. I started a group and it has grown to over 1200 members in 6-7 months. I will never be rich as an Amazon Affiliate, but it's so fun to see deals and save money. I only post things I would buy and it acts as a psuedo-wish list for myself. It's been a really fun project, but it has taken some time to find a decent balance between work and fun.

Actual photo of my book post initial printing

7. Hero Book: I finished my hero book this year and I did a nice, solid edit. After I finished editing it, I took a long look at it and decided this was my "trunk novel". A lot of writers mention that you should always put your first book in a trunk and never look at it again. This book was my baby though. It has so much of my life and my heart in those pages. It's too big. There's too much missing and not enough experience on my part to complete this project in it's entirety.

8.Tate Family Vacation: For the first time in a bazillion years-or maybe it just feels that way. 99% of my side of the family (except Andrew) met up for a family vacation in Cedar City. I literally can't remember the last time we were all together that wasn't for a tragedy. I must have been a teenager or something. So maybe decades? Anyway, I love my family so much and it was so much fun for us to be together. It was great to see all of the next generation get together and play. Late night games and random adventures with my family are my favorite.

9. Hunt/Larsen Family Vacation: Two years ago we started doing big family vacations with Dave's family every other year. This year we ventured to a beautiful house on the Oregon coast. The view was amazing and the company fantastic. I'm grateful to call Dave's family mine and I'm glad we have these extended vacations so that I can build relationships with those that are far away and experience the dynamics of his family. Highlights included crabbing, exploring tide pools, playing on the beach, whale spotting from the house, and fireworks at sunset.

The smile proves that this was before surgery

10. Sinus Surgery: This year I had more health stuff than I anticipated. I developed this awful cough that kept me up for several hours every night. Thus began my journey to health: seeing three different doctors at my primary care center, two visits to an endocrinologist, dozens of antibiotics, two visits to a pulmonologist, 2 x-rays, 2 MRI's, 3 visits to an ENT, and one massive surgery in August. A normal person has 8 clear parts in their sinus cavity. I was down to one working normally-massive infection and blockage. The recovery was a lot worse than I expected-probably because my sinuses/septum was so jacked up. Dr. Gilbert saved me. I sleep all night long now. It's so beautiful because sleep is SO important to me.

11. Dance: The girls are trying something new this year: dance. It was quite the adventure to find decent studios that aren't going to cost me a car payment every month. Emily absolutely loves dance. She is a mover and has a never ending supply of energy. She loves dancing to anything and everything. She is thriving at dance. Cami has found dance a little bit more challenging than she likes (aka she cannot do the splits like so many other girls in her class). It's been a lot of fun to see this side of the girl life.

12. Cami's Baptism: This year Cami turned 8! After quite a few discussions this year and a little bit of uncertainty, she decided she wanted to be baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. She's such an incredibly sweet girl. I'm very lucky to have wonderful daughters that love the Savior as much as they do.

sneak photo

13. New Hobby: Dave picked up a new hobby this year. We are big board game people and have really ventured into some heavy strategy games. Not D&D, but it could be in the same realm. Dave's Dad used to (still does?) paint miniature figures. He mainly does models of WWII airplanes. Dave picked up the hobby on a whim and has really become fantastic at it. Even his early pieces are amazing looking. It's so great to see him use his creative energy. Dave's always had a bit of artistic streak and it's fun to see him use it so well!






No photo here. Sorry?   14. Myriad: My old boss at Myriad hired me on as a part time temporary clerk to help out with authorizations for a while during the busy season. I LOVE MYRIAD. It's been so fun to see the friendly faces and work out these problems for people. Even in the clerk work, I find a lot of satisfaction and reward being back at a company I love with people I care for.

No photo here either.    15. Spaceeee: This is literally how my next book is titled in my save file. When I quit my job, I had this really cool idea for a science fiction book. It's been kicking around ever since and I  let it out to play this year. The book has actually morphed into a sort of duology (2 book series). It's such a fun book to write! I would like to write every day...if only I had the energy and time! ha!

No photo.  16 Choir: Cami started another side project after school on Fridays. She wanted to join choir at her elementary school. It's super low key and she has a lot of fun. There's a performance later this year and I think the songs they sing are Disney themed songs so of course it's fun for every one.

Last no photo 17. Support: This year I stepped out of my comfort zone and I asked for help and support. I've never been good at that (who is? I would like to meet them). I feel so blessed to have the family and friends that I do in my life. They stepped up to my needs and they stepped up fast from babysitting, Fiiz drinks, sharing my Amazon page, participating in the page, driving my kids to school/back, etc, etc. I've never felt more supported in my entire life. If I trust fell right now in the middle of my kitchen, no one would catch me because who could see that right? But if I called, texted, facebook status/messaged I needed a catch, I feel sure someone would be there as soon as possible. I don't know if I deserve that kind of support, but it makes my life seem a lot more bearable and lot more happy.We need each other in this world. It's not weakness.

I do not pick words every year. My memory is terrible and I would hate to fail because of ONE word, but if I could pick a word to describe 2019, it would probably be GROW. One step at a time, word at a time, relationship at a time, thing at a time, whatever at a time.
What is life if you aren't growing and trying to do better? I'm trying and 2019 was some little steps in the right way.

DECADE REVIEW 2010-2020

Ya'll know how much I love to share my family's highlights and low-lights for the year. I've been really stoked to share my decade.

So many people shared their decade in review with all of these #humblebrags and it really bums me out that we can't be real. Maybe these people are being real, in which case, watch out guys. When it gets hard, it's gets really difficult. 

So here we go. I'm not even going to write too much about them. I think most of my decade doesn't need explanations.

2010

-Oh hey. This is the year where I was still pretty messed up, I was addicted to the party scene and everything that came with that (you think it, I liked it and loved it a lot)

-I hit rock bottom, lost my job, boyfriend, and my car kept breaking down

-I started going back to church, moved in with a churchy friend

-Lots of struggling with my addictions.

-Worked at an internship at FM 100 (Clear channel?) 

-Finally got my B.A. in Communications with a minor in Journalism from U of U. My older brother, Dennis, and my dad came to see me walk (AGAIN). 

-After graduation, I worked at KSL part time and Verizon wireless full time until KSL finally hired me full time

-Met Dave at Verizon and started dating in November

2011

-Found out Cami was coming

-Spent a lot of months freaking out and crying because I didn't know what to do in my relationship with Dave & baby. Pregnant and un-married at church is not the most positive atmosphere.

-Moved back in with my parents

-Married Dave

-Had a super intensive blood clot that brought me to the hospital and increased my pregnancy risk. Oh ya, and had to give myself blood thinning shots for the rest of this pregnance and any future pregnancy

-This was the year my dad was diagnosed with terminal esophogeal cancer

-Had Cami, beautiful, chubby, smart baby with a lot of love and needs

-Insane amounts of PPD (suicidal, anger, and overall awful feelings)

-Diagnosed with hypothyroidism = thyroid medication for life

2012

-Bought a house that we could afford on a VERY TIGHT budget

-After some very intensive surgery and off and on consciousness, my dad returns to Heavenly Father.

-DEPRESSION (surprise, surprise)
-Went on a belated honeymoon cruise with Dave to the Western Caribbean

2013

-Quit KSL, two years without a raise, working nights, and weekends weren't cutting it anymore

-Started at Myriad Genetics. A fantastic job, with great benefits, and a decent amount of stress. A company that makes strides against cancer treatment and prevention, a company I believe in.

-Ran my first half-marathon

2014

-First family vacation (Dave, Cami, and me) to San Diego

-My mom remarries to Jim, old time friend

-Prepare for future baby, Emmy

-Pregnant with Emily

2015

-Emily arrives, a sleepy cuddly hurricane

-I complete a massive book project featuring my dad's works (art, stories, talks, photos)

-I work hard and receive a promotion as a Genetic Counselor Patient Advocate. I work with wonderful genetic counselors all over the U.S. and make connections with unforgettable patients and employees.

2016

-Disneyland for Cami's 5th birthday

-Cami starts kindergarten

-Quit Myriad to be a stay at home mom

2017

-Emily has surgery on her eyelid due to a tosis

-My mom reveals my half-brother's existence. She had Michael after high school, before she met my dad. 

2018

-My little brother, Mark, dies by suicide

-My brother-in-law/brother from another mother dies due to medical reasons

-We got a kitten, Cadence, the meanest cat in the world without a cuddle bone in her body

-I receive my limited use temple recommend for the first time in almost a decade. 

2019

-This will have it's own separate blog post. It's far bigger and I want more than just highlights. 

That's real, guys. This decade was a lot of loss and growth. There are a lot of things I'm proud of, but there's more that I miss, more that was so incredibly difficult. This was the decade where I discovered myself and created the life I wanted even if it was by myself. 

I turned to Dave on New Year's and said, "This decade I would like less death, especially on the Tate side." We've had enough of young, unexpected deaths. 

Thanksgiving and Tender Mercies Part 1

I've been meaning to type out this blog for weeks, but man has it been busy.
I won't even have time to finish it today, but I have to start it because I have to recognize Heavenly Father in my life. So hey, if you aren't religious, this one probably isn't your jam.

The past two months I have been experiencing some major doubt it my life. I work as hard as I can in the gospel and I see myself fall short in my weaknesses, which is doubly scary when I have young kids. I often look at my life and I say to myself, "I don't get this. I am doing my best but x, y, and z. Is this really the right way for me?"

I've struggled with my self identity this year too. Being a mom is so hard and lonely. Sometimes I just talk to children and clean all day and I don't get much sense of accomplishment out of that. I also tend to fault the crappy parts of my life on my failures (see above).

Being home has been an incredible blessing though. I love my family and my children. Our relationships have been strengthened from it and my anxiety/stress level is at a normal level.

I gotta say Heavenly Father has got my back.

1. I started back at my old work last month. It's a part time temporary job with a company I know and love, with friends and work family that I miss and care for immensely. This one little thing has made such an incredible difference in so many ways.
          a. I feel so happy when I am there. People know me for me and I get to be myself: outgoing, funny, happy, and hard working. These people don't know my husband or my kids. They only know me and that's a special feeling to me.
          b. Financially. We have been doing ok since I quit, but the last few months really stacked up some big things: Dave's car repairs, my car repairs, and my sinus surgery. This bump of extra money will help with that and Christmas.

2. Smith's Clicklist. Since I went back to work, I don't really have time to grocery shop by myself anymore and let's be real, my kids don't grocery shop well. Smith's clicklist saved my butt. With my first purchase, the clerk loads up my trunk and tells me, "They are getting rid of the service charge for the rest of the year." It's a little thing, but that is going to save me a decent amount of change until my temporary position ends.

3. My mom healing up. She has  been getting better after major back surgery, but just recently it has really been on the up and up. It's been insane because the days I couldn't find a babysitter, she saved my butt because she's been feeling better.

4. My mom's car. When my car broke down, it was the day before I went back to work. My mom wasn't able to drive very well yet and I could borrow hers. If not, getting to work the next few days would have been absolutely insane, if not impossible.

5. My sweet neighbors, family, and friends. They have been helping with Emily a lot while going back to work. I love it because Emily loves her cousins and friends. It makes drop off go so well.

6. Work lunches. This is a really silly one, but the other day I was really dreading my lunch at work. It wasn't really great and I didn't really want to eat it. The management brought in pizza from The Pie. I refuse to say that wasn't Heavenly Father hooking me up when I really wanted it.

7. Neighbor babysitters: So my mom couldn't help very much with babysitting for a really long time and we had to resort to pay a neighbor babysitter. I'm so grateful for my calling in youth sunday school. Without this calling I probably wouldn't ever feel comfortable asking the young women. I also wouldn't know the better ones. Date nights with Dave were able to continue through that time and that is so valuable to our relationship.

So there's my part one of tender mercies.

How Do I Turn This Off Again?

Is there a part of your brain than takes one thought and obsessive over it? I think mine is broken this week. It feels like I have a broken record up there with all this garbage.

I didn't think I would feel such self loathing at 32. 

Trust and believe I have taken every action and word with other people and turned into a shot at myself. 

Dr. Phil would say, "It's not about you." My brain would say, "Exactly, Dr. Phil, Michelle's such a waste of space." Sometimes I think I would like to die. 

I spend last night trying to force my brain to change, to see things right. 

Instead of reading my novel, I read the scriptures, searching for something to hit me and remind me of His love for me and my value. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I thought about Heavenly Father and how He would see me. I know the words and all that stuff and I can say them a million times right now, but I don't feel it. 

So here I am on a Saturday morning writing this blog post to force the ugly stuff down and find the good stuff. 

Maybe a long trip to the park or library later today will heal my brain

Shouting From the Rooftop

This month is really hard.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month.
Utah is pretty high up in the stats of suicide. A few years ago it was was #3 in the nation. It's moved to #6, but talk of suicide is everywhere this month. I have mixed feelings about this for obvious reasons.

You know, my baby brother?

I'm glad the conversation is happening, but man, it's hard.
Mark and I were close. We shared so much in common: our love for horror movies, super heroes, villains, funny things, stupid people, hiking, nature, food, etc.
Stupid things like the trailer for the new Joker movie can make me so sad. I would love to see it with him. Text him the video. Whatever.
So on the road I see those bright green Jeeps everywhere, like a nod to him. He's not driving them, but I still check sometimes. I don't even know why.
I dreamed about him three times this week. I don't remember much about them. In last night's dream we were talking about something and I woke up. I felt so stupid sad that I couldn't talk to him at that moment for real.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.



Anyway, this blog isn't just a big sob,sad fest.
I'm teaching the lesson on Sunday to a bunch of teenagers. I'm not a very good scripture reader these days. So I waited to be alone this morning to try my best to get it.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are SO GOOD.

In 1 Corrin 15. Paul talks about the incredible experience of the resurrection. From his perspective I can see how bonkers it is. I mean Paul used to be named Saul. He was a big, fat jerk face to everyone in the church! It talks about how he changed and worked hard, but that was still a piece of him and Christ chose to come to him after the resurrection.

In verse 47-49 it says: The first man is of the earth, earthy: the second man is the Lord from heaven.48 As is the earthy, such are they also that are earthy: and as is the heavenly, such are they also that are heavenly.49 And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly.

I mean this hit me so hard. Earth is so....'earthy' on humankind. The things we fight against and our weaknesses are all here on Earth. Before and after this life there is no 'earthy' parts of us. 

That really hit me pretty hard. The 'earthy' bits of Mark were really rough. From the choices his made, to the people around him, to his thoughts, actions, relationships. So much of it was 'earthy'. 

Now, there is none of that. Now there is only the 'heavenly' parts. What would those 'heavenly' parts look like? 

For me it would look like sitting together, watching Saturday morning cartoons. It would look like playing Crash Bandicoot on the floor on a Playstation. Shooting hoops in the driveway. Or climbing tall trees in the yard, sliding through the kitchen in our socks. It might even look like me listening to him play "Brain Stew" by Green Day on repeat. It would looks like family hikes during vacation, or card games. It would look like his smirk, laugh, smile. 

So shout from the rooftop. Everyone has 'earthy' bits that won't last forever.
Even more though: EVERYONE HAS HEAVENLY STUFF THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.
So grateful for the Savior and for the resurrection. He's the real MVP. Without Him, we would be stuck with all that 'earthy' crap. All my personal 'earthy' garbage will die too one day. How great to know that my heavenly parts will be around forever with those I love in their heavenly state. 
The church is true y'all. 

Catwoman Conundrum

In my house we are big fans of Tim Burton's Batman Returns. We watch it every Christmas. Last year (2018) was the first year we included the kids.
Emily is a little obsessed with kitties. She dresses like them. She pretends to be them. She wears clothes with cats on them.So naturally, she took a fancy to Catwoman.
Dave was showing her a clip the other day of Catwoman's "birth" from the film. This one:


At about 2:10. She rips her stuffed animals off her bed and stuffs them down the garbage disposal.
Emily has a sudden epiphany that goes against her morals, "What is she going to cuddle with now?"
I wonder if this debate still rages inside Emily. Can I be a kitty and have cuddly things?