Thanksgiving and Tender Mercies Part 1

I've been meaning to type out this blog for weeks, but man has it been busy.
I won't even have time to finish it today, but I have to start it because I have to recognize Heavenly Father in my life. So hey, if you aren't religious, this one probably isn't your jam.

The past two months I have been experiencing some major doubt it my life. I work as hard as I can in the gospel and I see myself fall short in my weaknesses, which is doubly scary when I have young kids. I often look at my life and I say to myself, "I don't get this. I am doing my best but x, y, and z. Is this really the right way for me?"

I've struggled with my self identity this year too. Being a mom is so hard and lonely. Sometimes I just talk to children and clean all day and I don't get much sense of accomplishment out of that. I also tend to fault the crappy parts of my life on my failures (see above).

Being home has been an incredible blessing though. I love my family and my children. Our relationships have been strengthened from it and my anxiety/stress level is at a normal level.

I gotta say Heavenly Father has got my back.

1. I started back at my old work last month. It's a part time temporary job with a company I know and love, with friends and work family that I miss and care for immensely. This one little thing has made such an incredible difference in so many ways.
          a. I feel so happy when I am there. People know me for me and I get to be myself: outgoing, funny, happy, and hard working. These people don't know my husband or my kids. They only know me and that's a special feeling to me.
          b. Financially. We have been doing ok since I quit, but the last few months really stacked up some big things: Dave's car repairs, my car repairs, and my sinus surgery. This bump of extra money will help with that and Christmas.

2. Smith's Clicklist. Since I went back to work, I don't really have time to grocery shop by myself anymore and let's be real, my kids don't grocery shop well. Smith's clicklist saved my butt. With my first purchase, the clerk loads up my trunk and tells me, "They are getting rid of the service charge for the rest of the year." It's a little thing, but that is going to save me a decent amount of change until my temporary position ends.

3. My mom healing up. She has  been getting better after major back surgery, but just recently it has really been on the up and up. It's been insane because the days I couldn't find a babysitter, she saved my butt because she's been feeling better.

4. My mom's car. When my car broke down, it was the day before I went back to work. My mom wasn't able to drive very well yet and I could borrow hers. If not, getting to work the next few days would have been absolutely insane, if not impossible.

5. My sweet neighbors, family, and friends. They have been helping with Emily a lot while going back to work. I love it because Emily loves her cousins and friends. It makes drop off go so well.

6. Work lunches. This is a really silly one, but the other day I was really dreading my lunch at work. It wasn't really great and I didn't really want to eat it. The management brought in pizza from The Pie. I refuse to say that wasn't Heavenly Father hooking me up when I really wanted it.

7. Neighbor babysitters: So my mom couldn't help very much with babysitting for a really long time and we had to resort to pay a neighbor babysitter. I'm so grateful for my calling in youth sunday school. Without this calling I probably wouldn't ever feel comfortable asking the young women. I also wouldn't know the better ones. Date nights with Dave were able to continue through that time and that is so valuable to our relationship.

So there's my part one of tender mercies.

How Do I Turn This Off Again?

Is there a part of your brain than takes one thought and obsessive over it? I think mine is broken this week. It feels like I have a broken record up there with all this garbage.

I didn't think I would feel such self loathing at 32. 

Trust and believe I have taken every action and word with other people and turned into a shot at myself. 

Dr. Phil would say, "It's not about you." My brain would say, "Exactly, Dr. Phil, Michelle's such a waste of space." Sometimes I think I would like to die. 

I spend last night trying to force my brain to change, to see things right. 

Instead of reading my novel, I read the scriptures, searching for something to hit me and remind me of His love for me and my value. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I thought about Heavenly Father and how He would see me. I know the words and all that stuff and I can say them a million times right now, but I don't feel it. 

So here I am on a Saturday morning writing this blog post to force the ugly stuff down and find the good stuff. 

Maybe a long trip to the park or library later today will heal my brain

Shouting From the Rooftop

This month is really hard.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month.
Utah is pretty high up in the stats of suicide. A few years ago it was was #3 in the nation. It's moved to #6, but talk of suicide is everywhere this month. I have mixed feelings about this for obvious reasons.

You know, my baby brother?

I'm glad the conversation is happening, but man, it's hard.
Mark and I were close. We shared so much in common: our love for horror movies, super heroes, villains, funny things, stupid people, hiking, nature, food, etc.
Stupid things like the trailer for the new Joker movie can make me so sad. I would love to see it with him. Text him the video. Whatever.
So on the road I see those bright green Jeeps everywhere, like a nod to him. He's not driving them, but I still check sometimes. I don't even know why.
I dreamed about him three times this week. I don't remember much about them. In last night's dream we were talking about something and I woke up. I felt so stupid sad that I couldn't talk to him at that moment for real.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.



Anyway, this blog isn't just a big sob,sad fest.
I'm teaching the lesson on Sunday to a bunch of teenagers. I'm not a very good scripture reader these days. So I waited to be alone this morning to try my best to get it.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are SO GOOD.

In 1 Corrin 15. Paul talks about the incredible experience of the resurrection. From his perspective I can see how bonkers it is. I mean Paul used to be named Saul. He was a big, fat jerk face to everyone in the church! It talks about how he changed and worked hard, but that was still a piece of him and Christ chose to come to him after the resurrection.

In verse 47-49 it says: The first man is of the earth, earthy: the second man is the Lord from heaven.48 As is the earthy, such are they also that are earthy: and as is the heavenly, such are they also that are heavenly.49 And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly.

I mean this hit me so hard. Earth is so....'earthy' on humankind. The things we fight against and our weaknesses are all here on Earth. Before and after this life there is no 'earthy' parts of us. 

That really hit me pretty hard. The 'earthy' bits of Mark were really rough. From the choices his made, to the people around him, to his thoughts, actions, relationships. So much of it was 'earthy'. 

Now, there is none of that. Now there is only the 'heavenly' parts. What would those 'heavenly' parts look like? 

For me it would look like sitting together, watching Saturday morning cartoons. It would look like playing Crash Bandicoot on the floor on a Playstation. Shooting hoops in the driveway. Or climbing tall trees in the yard, sliding through the kitchen in our socks. It might even look like me listening to him play "Brain Stew" by Green Day on repeat. It would looks like family hikes during vacation, or card games. It would look like his smirk, laugh, smile. 

So shout from the rooftop. Everyone has 'earthy' bits that won't last forever.
Even more though: EVERYONE HAS HEAVENLY STUFF THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.
So grateful for the Savior and for the resurrection. He's the real MVP. Without Him, we would be stuck with all that 'earthy' crap. All my personal 'earthy' garbage will die too one day. How great to know that my heavenly parts will be around forever with those I love in their heavenly state. 
The church is true y'all. 

Catwoman Conundrum

In my house we are big fans of Tim Burton's Batman Returns. We watch it every Christmas. Last year (2018) was the first year we included the kids.
Emily is a little obsessed with kitties. She dresses like them. She pretends to be them. She wears clothes with cats on them.So naturally, she took a fancy to Catwoman.
Dave was showing her a clip the other day of Catwoman's "birth" from the film. This one:


At about 2:10. She rips her stuffed animals off her bed and stuffs them down the garbage disposal.
Emily has a sudden epiphany that goes against her morals, "What is she going to cuddle with now?"
I wonder if this debate still rages inside Emily. Can I be a kitty and have cuddly things?

2019: I've/We've Got This

There are two blog posts I am consistent and religious about completing each year. December 2018 was a rough one to right and I put off 2019 hopes/predictions for a long time. I guess I felt afraid. I've tried to keep the hopes/predictions posts happy and positive. Some part of me worries that such hopeful posts will produce hard stuff again. I know that's not the way it works, but the little girl inside me is hard to shut down sometimes.
Here we go though, in the most "rosy" way I can. We're ten days in to 2019 and I see some pretty great things, but I do see some hard things mixed in. I'll try not to focus on the difficult parts of 2019.

1. Dave Promotion: This is very likely. His supervisor and his supervisor's supervisor has encouraged him in huge ways. Some promotions recently opened up for a Senior Manager and his boss's boss already talked to the Hiring Manager about Dave. So far, the majority of these promotions are in different places like Maryland and Georgia. There are a few open locally as well. He's applying for all of them. Regardless of the outcome, the promotion will be great for Dave and our family. He works so hard and it's so great to see the recognition. Moving out of state is a strong possibility. It's scary, but exciting. More exciting than scary to me. I love a good adventure and I miss the spontaneity of youth (I recognize that this isn't true random movement, we'll have notice to make decisions and look at factors). This is the biggest thing in our lives right now. Dave's been talking to a lot of people at work to help with this decision.

2. Family Vacations: You know what I love? Family. This year we are doing two really big vacations. I mean big vacations in the idea that everyone will be there. In June we're aiming for a Tate family vacation. We're flying Lara's family out (all six) and we'll all be together for the first time in probably seven years (maybe longer). The first time in even longer without a funeral or serious illness. It will be for fun, which is weird to think about.
In the beginning of July we are going to Oregon with Dave's family, all the siblings. We're trying to make this an every other year thing. It's been so wonderful to do it in the past. It's a great opportunity to keep connections and relationships with those who are farther away.

3. Bathroom Upgrade: As a product of possible moving and getting tired of some things. We're going to be doing some small upgrades to our bathroom. It's probably not even worth mentioning, but I'm excited-so I'm going to mention it. We're going to pretty up the bathroom counters (at least in our Master Bathroom). It's had a rough few years and there's some warping left over from the previous owners. It's not too intensive because I don't want to drop hundreds of dollars on it (especially if we might be moving).

4. Cami: She's in Up with Kids until May, when she will have her final performance in "The Greatest Show". I don't know if we will do it again. She didn't love it that much. We'll probably try out a different extracurricular activity. See if we can find something she feels passionate about. She'll definitely do swim lessons again. She also gets to start orthodontic treatments. She has a narrow jaw and the dentist is worried there isn't room for all of her teeth. As a person who had a tooth grow behind the others, I would like to do that for her. We saw the orthodontist two weeks ago and we're set to start treatment on MLK Day. It's Phase 1 and should be one year. I hope that helps things come in better so we have less major work when she's older. I had adult braces and as much fun as that is (*eye roll*), I would rather she has a confident, beautiful smile as a teenager.

5. Emily: I already signed her up with Puddle Jumpers. Pre-Kindergarten for next year. Three days a week of freedom for me. ;) In the summer we will do swimming lessons for Emily too. She's really taken to them and she floats really well already. This year I would like to get her into some tumbling or something active. This girl has too much energy and passion for me to handle sometimes. Most of her big mile stones are over so I don't know if I anticipate too much in her development.

6. Social Media Break: I gave up Facebook and Instagram on New Years Day. One hour into New Years, 12:35 a.m.,someone I know posted this Top 9 thing and said that it was one her hardest years, but included three pictures from Hawaii and her running (without kids). I lost it. My jealousy can't handle that. Dave tried to talk me down, "She's not comparing her stuff to yours." and "Hard is relative. It's not a competition." Etc.That morning I woke up with some new insights. 1. I can't change people's posts, feelings, actions, or really anything about other people. 2. I can change my response and reaction. I fought myself because I don't think I can consciously choose how I react with social media. My gut response is too quick behind a digital screen. I can stop looking at it. My social media presence isn't dead. I will still post (no other looks at likes/loves or comments though), Bookstagram is okay (I like to look at books, but I don't keep scrolling and I don't get jealous of books), verification of events (book club, birthday parties, etc. Although I hope to streamline that somewhere else). Two weeks in and I see big changes in me and my family. This choice is going to change my life.

7. De-Clutter/De-Junk: This has been huge the last few weeks. Fueled by the possibility of moving, I have purged and dumped all sorts of crap including: crib mattress, baby gate, crib, high chair, blankets (an entire trunk full :O,books, toys, games, junk drawers, and sippy cups. These are starter purging, it's an on going process that will take forever. When I was growing up, my dad spent a lot of time un-employed and we didn't have a lot of money. As a product, my parents taught me to save things "just in case". Those are the things I am tossing/donating. For a lot of this stuff, just in case hasn't happened in seven years and probably won't happen for the rest of my life. If "just in case" does happen, I'll just spend the money. The majority of the junk isn't worth more than $20 (all together). I'm super proud of all the work I have done so far, but it still seems to over-power my life. It won't always be messy/disorganized.

8. Finish Editing That Book: I know. I was supposed to finish editing my book last year, but I had some stuff come up and that's going to happen sometimes. I have one more point of view character to complete and than put that characters in order. That's it. Then I'll toss it to Dave and a friend for a quick read-through. It's not that much. I can do this (especially without Facebook in my life).

9. Temple: I saved this one for last because I don't know how I feel about it. I like to keep my year hopes to things I believe in and things I truly think will happen. Whoa, whoa, I believe in the temple. I mean the endowment. I also believe in the temple covenants and blessings, but it's different when I'm going through the temple on my own. Baby steps over many years took me there last year and I know it will take me there again, but I don't know if I feel like the time is right. My family is hoping to take Mark's name through the temple end of February/beginning of March. I would like to be there for that, but it freaks me out. I wish it was more widely discussed. I understand the sacred things that happen and all that jazz, but I want a frank, "This is what will happen and you are ready. It's time." Adult decisions are so difficult sometimes. I hope to be at the temple this year. I hope to receive my endowment. I guess that's enough for now.

I think these are the big hopes and anticipations for 2019. It's a year of change, chosen change. Having control over the changes in my life feels a lot better compared to the unexpected changes from last year. I see some hard changes in the future, life never holds back on the difficult parts, but I have such a wonderful support system that I can conquer anything from unexpected deaths (cross fingers that we get a long break from anymore of that), medical issues, difficult relationships, to broken dishwashers. As a wonderful group of animated ponies once said, "You got this. We got this together."

2018: That Was Unexpected

It's weird to look back on this year. It's been a big year of changes for my family and me. I had no idea what 2018 was going to be like. How naiive and innocent I was to picture it as this journey forward. I mean, look at this. I love my optimism and hope for the future. It's easy to expect the same, when there hasn't been loss.
So this year, there's more highlights/lowlights than I expect, but they are things that I want to remember. For all the good and the bad, 2018 was unforgettable. I'm breaking it down this year to "Hellos" and "Goodbyes".

*Heart eye face*

1.Finally Fenced: We've been in this house for seven years in January. SEVEN YEARS without a fence. This summer we finally put up a fence. Our neighbors are not great and it was time to set boundaries and expectations. Believe it or not, this visual representation of my desired relationship with them has actually worked. Less parties and less loud nights. Color me surprised. It's great to have a fenced area. Our house looks so much neater.

I steal photos from Facebook for work
pictures. *shrug*

2.Dave Promotion: Dave actually interviewed for a few positions this year. He landed himself in a promotion at Verizon Wireless as is his yearly tradition. He now manages a team that troubleshoots tech for smaller-mid size companies (I think. He'll let me know if I'm wrong). He's really enjoyed this position and the people he works with. He's had some really great opportunities to get to know the executive side of things during two national conferences in New Jersey.

Emily in the dress she wears every day.

3.Emily Pre-School: It was "iffy" for a minute if we were going to make it to pre-school this year. Emily relapsed potty training a few times and I didn't know if she was ready. I think two weeks before she finally got it down (mostly). She's in love with school and her new friends. She's learning a lot like "eating crackers" and songs. It's been really nice for mom (me) to have some free time twice a week). It's worth every penny.
Her interests haven't changed too much. She loves Paw Patrol & PJ Masks.

She's too grown up!

4. Cami 1st Grade: Cami goes to school all day now! She's gone from 8:20-3:25 Monday-Friday. It's been so weird. School is going great for her. She is super smart and has really enjoyed the computer programs they do in class to practice reading and math (Prodigy & Lexia). She's made a lot of new friends this year. We're lucky so many of them live close.
Cami's interests have evolved a lot this year. She started the year loving LOL Dolls more than anything on the planet. Now, she loves baby dolls (Baby Alive and American Girl style). She loves to play family or school with her dolls. She also has really taken to musicals, especially "The Greatest Showman". I can't tell you how many times we listened to the CD.

Spunky and cuddly

5. Cadence: A cat is a big choice. It's a choice we have thought about for a while. This discussion moved up in the fall when we caught four mice in three weeks. We aimed for a Christmas surprise, but it didn't work out. One week before Christmas we surprised the girls with Cadence, a tabby from CAWS. She was found by a family in a barn in a box. There was glass all around the box and the mom abandoned them. She lived with a foster family, who named her Cadence. When we held her for the first time, I knew she was ours. She settled in my arms and let me pet her. She is still a kitten, so she's pretty feisty sometimes, but she loves her cuddles, and has the loudest growling purr known to mankind.

Snapshot of one day because reasons.

6. Tate Staycation: This year, as a family, we opted to adventure around Utah instead of our usual Bear Lake adventure. It was a lot of fun. We rode the Heber Creeper, went for a hike, did a long bike ride in the hot sun, and had fun together as a family. I love my family so much. It doesn't matter what we do. When we are together there is so much laughter and happiness (for me, anyway). I love that my kids get to grow up close to their cousins. They will always have someone in their corner.

Cami swimming,

7. Swim Lessons: This summer we did two swim lessons with both kids. The first time I took Emily to the Rec Center, I kept looking up afraid she was drowning. That's a little peak into what it's been like.The second lessons we did at our neighbor's pool. Her kids teach swimming lessons and I will never go back to the rec center. Cami thrived with their older daughter, Endia. She put her face in the water (A LOT). Emily floats really well too and she's working through some of the motions. It was so fun to see them grow in their confidence. Water park next year, here we come!

Magic here?

8. Up With Kids: I did it. I enrolled Cami in an extracurricular activity during the school year. I had to though. Up With Kids is a kind of performance art class. They sing, dance, and teach basics about acting and performing. This year they are doing a knock-off of "The Greatest Showman" called "The Greatest Show". She has gone back and forth between loving it and not loving it. Ha! She's one of the older kids in the class (it ranges from 4-1st grade). The teacher is amazing and makes it so much fun for her. I think at the end she will have really enjoyed her time in this class.

Snapshot of the good and the hard.

9. Ohio: As will be featured in the Goodbye section. My brother-in-law passed away unexpectedly in November. I literally dropped everything and flew to Ohio with my mom two days later. As I mentioned. I love my family so much and I needed to be there with my sister and family. It was an incredibly difficult experience. The house where I remember Greg felt too quiet without him. Watching my sister and her children hurt was so hard. Among the difficult things, there were a lot of good experiences. I haven't seen the Ohio family in many years (outside of Lara and Melissa coming during Mark's funeral). I loved building relationships, healing relationships and being there together. It was hard, but it was fun too.

Isn't she lovely?

10. Allergies: Remember how I have no shame and I'm a pretty open book. Here's a pretty picture of me from earlier this month. Right before Christmas I learned I was allergic to Tide with Febreeze. I've never had issues with Tide or Febreeze, but I learned my lesson that mixing them must trigger something in my body. I've never been in so much pain in my life. I would rather give birth than experience another allergic reaction.
It lasted about 4-5 days. My sweet friends, neighbors, and family helped so much during this time. I have no idea what I would have done without everyone. They helped with the kids, meals, medication, etc. It's okay to ask for help.

I'm not good at taking pictures on vacation.
So this is one day, one event. 

11.Hunt/Larsen Cabin Trip: Dave's mom's family has a cabin that we get to visit once a year. In the past few years we haven't gone overnight. This year we dared the overnight experience. It was rough, but the mantra when we go anywhere is "we don't come here to sleep". Ha! The girls had so much fun though! We painted rocks, did play doh, went for walks/hikes, played in the river, played games, and a lot of other stuff. Cami still asks when we will go back.

This is literally a picture of our
trunk when we left.

12. Game Weekend: This year we tried something new. We got together with some of our friends for a weekend in Park City playing games and hanging out together. It was like an adult vacation, a very nerdy, adult vacation. With games, hot tub, going out to dinner, watching movies. It was so awesome! I can't wait to go again.

This is me!

13. Temple: This picture says a thousand words to me. It says, "Ten years!". It says, "The gospel is real and true. This is real joy. It's never too late.It's worth every step to get back"  I came back to church seven years ago and I really struggled with some things. In the past few years, on paper, I was ready. I wasn't really ready though. Two bishops, multiple family members, and friends have been so encouraging to me; but I  needed to do it when the time was right. It's a Limited Use Recommend. I don't feel ready for the big step yet, but I'm working on it. When I stepped in the temple again, I didn't cry or break down on the carpet. I smiled. That's it, guys. It' walking into a room that feels right and feels good. This year I've needed the gospel more than ever. Eternity is real. I keep thinking of Job 19:26, "..after my skin worms destroy this body, yet shall I see God." I replace that with the names of those I've loved and lost (Dad, Mark, Greg, Grandparents).

This beautiful woman clearly does not
have Hoshimoto's. 

14. Hoshimoto's Disease: This should come as no shock to those around me. Every woman in my mom's family has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism (literally). I was diagnosed with it shortly after Cami's birth. I started seeing a new primary care this year and Dr. Kininkini has changed my life for the better. She ran multiple tests on me and determined more than just hypothyroidism was causing me trouble: Hoshimoto's Disease. Finally an explanation for my almost constant fatigue and bouts of depression and crazy (even with anti-depressants). It didn't rock my world as much as I thought. No new doctor appointments and no new treatments. It just gives me a "why" my thyroid medication keeps increasing. My body wants to destroy my thyroid. NBD.

 

1. Mark: In February my little brother died by suicide with a gunshot to his head. He was only 28 years old. I knew him practically my whole life. Anxiety and depression are not strangers in my family. If anything, they are a constant presence. Mark could be hard to love, but we were very similar and understood each other so well.When we were younger we used to fight worse than cats and dogs, but I'd like to think we were a lot closer before he died. He told me he wanted to die in August 2017. I did everything in my power to help him. Offered to set up a budget to help his money problems, helped him find counseling through the LDS church (which actually didn't work out because Bishops are human and made some choices I don't agree with). I made him dinner and invited him over several times a week. I encouraged his passions in art and books. I encouraged space from toxic people. When he left so young, he left a hole, a big hole. He was funny, subtle, smart, and thoughtful. Mental illness is real and we can all do more to help. 

2. Greg: My sister, Lara, married Greg when I was five or six years old. I remember leaning over his shoulder after the wedding to get a peak at their presents. I don't think I understood then the difference he would make in my life. So many key points in my life were guided by his words. I don't mean that in a cliche, weird way, but it's true. Greg could get anyone talking. When I was a teenager, Greg and Lara, lived two blocks away. I remember my time there more than my time at home during that period of my life. He was always there to cheer me up, encourage me in my future, and make me laugh. We sevrved on a youth committee with Greg at church since we were in the same ward. He had a fantastic testimony and shared it in these meetings sometimes. Right before I left for college, he gave me this cheesy safety talk (he used to be a Highway Patrolman). He told me to be careful, always lock my door, be smart, and don't lose focus. Or when I came to visit between, we would talk about boys, to my utter embarrassment and eventual clarity over what to do with certain situations. It's so weird that he's gone. I wish I spoke to him more often. 

I had a few other things I was going to mention, but I don't think they matter. After writing about my brothers (one by blood, one by marriage), who cares about the other stuff. Life can change in a year. Families can change in a year. They change by choice and involuntarily. I'd like to say I have no regrets with my brothers, but I do. I don't know if anyone can truly say they have no regrets when someone close dies. 

If I picked one word for this year, it was family. Family for good or worse. We are in it together. Whether you want it or not. There will be more loss, pain, and death. People don't live forever. We don't get to choose that. I can choose how my relationships in my family continue in the future (that's right, you all have to love me! I'll make you love me! I kid, relationships are two sided). I'd like to say I did my best to love those around me- ESPECIALLY my family. 

So there it is in all it's painful, wonderful glory. 2018: an unexpected year of pain and happiness.

Thankful

Thanksgiving goes too fast and I feel like I've missed so many things to be thankful for. It's easy to misplace them when you are sitting at Thanksgiving dinner. There's turkey, potatoes, green beans, and Dave sitting across from me. At this dinner there is the traditional naming of something you are thankful for. How can I not say family? But there's more. There's more in my heart that I can't say out loud because some people don't know me or can't understand.
This year has been hard for me. I know it's subjective, so maybe these things aren't bad for other people. Two of my brothers passed in nine months, living on one income, TERRORIST THREE'S/never ending potty training, both shoulder injuries, and various medical stuff.
There's something I believe in all these hard things, life is balanced. Where there has been hard things, there have been really great things.
1. Community: I believe this house was for us. The place I live and the people around me have been so incredibly important this year. From my best friend, two different Relief Society presidents, to neighbors. After Mark died, I had a really hard time with doubt. When you are living your life with the people around you it's easy to believe. I have a testimony of the gospel, but I needed reassurance, to know that he was okay. I was sitting in church when it hit me that, this community is in tune. These women around me answered Heavenly Father and helped me. I cannot put into words how much this meant to  me this year.
2. Temple: Right after I came home from Ohio, I went to my bishop for Tithing Settlement. While there, I interviewed for entrance to the temple. I have a limited use recommend for the first time in ten years. I did baptisms with my brother, Dennis, and his family two days later. I would like to say I had some amazing experience there, but I didn't. What I did feel, was happy, and peace. Like a hug. I am so thankful for the temple. I hope to finish my temple work this year (after talking with someone).
3. Family: Okay, I'm saying it again. There's a reason though that's deeper than just saying "family". There's Dave's family. A family I married into, but has given me the extra sisters and brothers I need and care for. I'm grateful that I was able to visit Ohio this year and see the family back there. I love them so much and I cam so glad to have them in my life. We are put into families for reasons and purposes. I think of my siblings and there parts in my life: Lara, Dennis, Derrick, and Mark have played immense roles in who I was, am, and will be. I love them all so much and I want to be with them!
4. Calling: I've only been Youth Sunday School teacher for a few months, but man, Heavenly Father knew what was up when he called me. The lessons in the "Come Follow Me" manual are amazing and powerful. Although they are for teaching the youth, I'm definitely getting a lot from this calling. Also seeing the young people and their strength. Holy moly, this generation will be warriors.
5. Kids:In the same air as earlier, Cami and Emily came to Dave and I for a reason. Sweet, sensitive Cami and her big heart. Strong, cuddly Emily with her bright smile. They can beat me down easy, but they can also build me up in dark times.

This is only five, but they are the biggest things in my heart. The irreplaceable things from this year, the things I am most grateful. There is always good to overcome the hard and dark parts of life.