Love and Friendship: Butterflies & Ponies are Forever

Carl, Dave, Paul  at Youth Conference 2000

The title is deceiving. This weekend has been a rough one for my family and those close to us. One of my husband's closest friends passed away on Friday; Paul.

McInzie, Meredith, Paul, Dave, Carl and Cheyenne
October 2004; Before Paul left for bootcamp

I think I met Paul about four times.  He lived in New Jersey and lived a pretty different lifestyle than I was living at those times.  Those moments he was there were important ones for our family and his.  He and his (now) wife flew out for our wedding, and a little after Cami was born to meet her.  In turn, Dave flew out to Jersey for his wedding and we both attended the reception and mini-ceremony in Salt Lake.
Each time we met up, Paul and Leah both greeted me with hugs upon arrival and hugs when they left our house/apartment. Paul exhibited a genuine love every time. I don't mean that in a cheap way that some people say after someone passes away. Paul was an amazing man and my heart hurts that it was cut so short.
Dave grew up in a South Jordan suburb and essentially grew up with the same small group of friends: Brad, Carl, Paul and Shaun. There were a few that rotated in and out of that group. They were the closest group of friend that I have ever met.  After more than 20 years they still meet up and pick up where they left off. I'm totally not used to that. Their friendship and love is so fantastic and it makes Paul's passing that much more difficult. Love is important, but love is hard.

Carl, Dave and Paul

It's well-known in Dave's small circle that Paul has had a hard time.  He was a Marine and served over in Afghanistan or Iraq. I don't know a lot of details. He was shot pretty critically in his service and one of his legs was messed up for life. While recovering with this crazy pain in his leg, survivor guilt and PTSD; he struggled with substance abuse in pain killers and other drugs. During this rough patch, he was living in New Jersey near a VA hospital that could help him with those things. He met Leah at a bar. She was a waitress and they hit it off. They have been together for a long time and like all relationships, it wasn't perfect.
They both made mistakes. They were married last year, but marriage can't always fix things.
I was talking to Dave about love, butterflies and ponies.  When you first meet and over the course of the first year; your relationship with each other is full of gooey butterflies and ponies. After that things change and people sometimes say they fall out of love. I don't think that those feelings fade after a year.
Love, butterflies and ponies are still there when you see those closest to you; those family, friends and/or spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. I think it's like when you make those delicious "poke cakes".
Right after you make a cake, and it's still hot, you poke some holes and pour something like caramel or sweetened condensed milk on the cake.  At first the caramel sits on top and you can see and taste it whenever you want.  Pretty soon it soaks through the holes and fills the cake with that extra spike of sugary goodness. You can't see the flavor anymore, but it's there soaking your cake in something amazing.
You may think your love is fading, that the butterflies and ponies have all run off to someone or something else; but they are just deeper, somewhere intimate and close to you. It's still there. Love changes, but it's constant as long as you are.
My husband's relationship with Paul changed due to choices and distance, but they were close friends and that doesn't change; it's just deeper. Deep enough so that you think it doesn't matter, but then something drastic changes like death or loss and they return so quick you feel like you've been hit by a bus and things will be different forever. Love didn't fade. Butterflies & ponies are forever.

Social Media Validation

Relationships and social media are tricky things to match together. In my opinion, I've removed mention of my relationships outside of my profile stating I'm "married" because I don't think social media is the place to plaster your relationships.

You all know the type I'm talking about, "I love my husband SO much, he did A, B, and C for me today" or even pictures via Instagram, "Out on a hot date with my awesome husband", etc. As a viewer of such irritating posts, I used to feel jealousy or whatever that my spouse didn't do stuff for me, but then I realize that there's a root to those posts: the validation, bragging, covering up and impersonal.

The quest for validation IS what social media has become.  People post pictures and status' to get recognition from their peers. When they say stuff like how much they love their husband, they are looking for that attention to make them feel like, "Oh, so-and-so said they wished their husband was as great as mine. I really am lucky."  Gag me now, if you need to validate your relationship and your marriage, go to the source. Go to your spouse and tell them, spend time with them instead of being online.

There is a fine line between being grateful and bragging. This line is crossed everyday sometimes multiple times online. Why do we feel that need to display what's great about our life and deny the bad?  That image-focused world won't get us anywhere better. The first brag creates a cycle and more posts and more pictures and then no one cares anyway and you get blocked. Real life isn't perfect, so why display perfection? Why shove pictures of your "wonderful" life into everyone's face?  Why not step back and see it for what it is? Flawed and beautiful; a combination that should be reveled in and not just talked about to the world. 

My next thought about these braggers is that perhaps they are trying to cover up really awful stuff.  The other day, I was listening to morning talk show and they were discussing social media and how people put on this facade for the world to see online, when real life is so much worse/better.  My coworker shared with me a story that one of her friends on Facebook always says how much she loves her husband; when in real life her husband cheated on her and was a complete douche bag, but she puts on this face for social media so that everything seems okay.  Again, if stuff isn't really okay and you are trying to lie to yourself online. Turn off the computer and go see a relationship therapist or have a real conversation with your spouse/significant other.

I don't like to post about how great my husband is because the internet is not the place.  My relationship with him is personal. It's between him and me. That's it. If I love him and I'm grateful he did something for me. I tell him in person or I do something special to show my gratitude.  Our relationship is precious and the internet is a awful, degrading place to put my love for show. A relationship is private and what goes on with us: good or bad doesn't belong on the internet. We figure out our problems and we grow; but we don't need to show everyone. We show each other, we tell each other, we love each other.....without social media.

This blog entry was a little rough to sort out my thoughts. I hope it make sense. If this article reduces "I love my husband" facebook status' or one less picture in my feed. I will have succeeded.