Grief and Gratitude Go Together

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since my brother took his own life. I have a million blogs entries to write because this experience has been insanely hard and insanely wonderful. I know that doesn't make sense, but hear me out.

Today has been hard. I woke up tired despite the sunshine, the grief already stuck in my throat. It comes and goes on a whim I don't understand. I spent the day in one of Mark's plaid shirts, too large for me, and very male looking.

Right before I start typing, I open a tab for Pandora. Music always helps my mind to sort through my thoughts. The song that starts is "Unknown Soldier" by Breaking Benjamin. The chorus is close to home:

"Holding on too tight

Breathe the breath of life

So I can leave this world tonight

It only hurts just once

They're only broken bones"

Even thought today has felt sad and I can't stop smelling his shirt or his beanie, pretending his going to be so mad when he finds out we took all of his stuff. I feel so thankful for the people in his life.

I posted the announcement of his passing and his memorial, so I was the point of contact for everyone on Facebook. The spread took less than eight hours for the private messages to come pouring through.

Family: Tate and Lewis alike immediately responded to the post. They wanted to know what happened and what they could do to help. My mom's sister flew in town from Hawaii a few days later to be here for the memorial. My sister and niece flew in from Ohio to be here with them family. 

I am so grateful for my family, close and extended. My mom is very introverted and we didn't go to many family things, but they were there that night with hugs, flowers, and condolences. 

This isn't our first go with grief in my close family. In five years my father, two grandfathers, and now my brother passed away. I know my siblings and my mother handle grief very differently, but we came together and put aside everything to be there for each other in these moments. 

Marines: I won't lie to you. The Marines are my favorite response. Where family is tied through blood and constant gatherings, these men have very little attachment to me and my family. Yet, they were number two contact. I have to call out Chris McMurrin, who has been my brother from another mother over the last two weeks. He also passed my information to Staff Seargant Senese, who helped so much with setting up financial support through GoFundMe and the Utah Marines. These men contributed money of various amounts and gave my family so much support. I CAN'T imagine this process without their assistance and help. I don't think they understand even a little how much they mean to me right now. I am so grateful for the U.S. Marines. I'm grateful for their support and care for their Marine brother. 

Over 30 U.S. Marines showed up at Mark's memorial. They stood in a circle around my family, some in dress blues, some police officers, some in suits, and some in jeans. In that moment they offered their support and gave Mark a shout and a "Oorah!" In the church cultural hall, it seemed to echo in the walls, and for a minute I felt him standing with them. 

Friends: Mark's friends came flying out of the woodwork. For someone who felt so lonely, he was incredibly loved. Friends from today, high school, ex-girlfriends, elementary school. Mark often didn't feel like he belonged in our family and he found love in those friends and they showed it in their responses. I'm grateful for their responses and their help sorting out his affairs (now and the future).

I can't end this section without calling out my friends. Today hits me really hard because it's been hard. One of my sweet friends must have heard my heart hurting, she dropped cookies off while I was out running errands. My ward and neighbors have been priceless in this time. They have brought dinner, flowers, treats, and offered to help with my kids. I'm glad to be in place to know these women. I don't know what I would do without their support.

Coworkers: Mark's sweet boss, Jessica, reached out to me as well to offer her sympathy and support with the benefits at Discover. Mark enjoyed working under her because of the opportunities she gave him to grow and develop his skills. Discover provided my mom with a large basket of flowers and they day of the memorial, his entire team wore shorts in honor of him (he always wore shorts, even when it was cold and it was cold that day!) Like all of us, Mark had a love/hate relationship with his job, but I am grateful for Jessica and his wonderful coworkers. I met one young man at the memorial close to tears. He took Mark to work on Valentine's Day because Mark was having such a hard time that day. 

Various Spirits: That may be a funny thing to call out in a blog about people. I honestly wasn't planning this part. The day Mark passed away I heard him twice. Before dinner, I bustled around the kitchen and I heard him say my name from the living room. I looked in the living room, but it was empty. My mom hadn't called me and I felt sure I was "trippin". I'm pretty sure the second time was that night, but it could have been the next night-they blend together. Those first few days I had a hard time sleeping and I woke in the middle of the night and begged to know he was okay. In my head I kept thinking, "Please tell me he's at peace and he's okay."  Nothing, no feeling, no peace for me. A few minutes later I heard him say quiet with a joke in his tone, that familiar way we spoke together, "Hey."  This process has felt hard and extremely lonely, but I know that there is invisible help around me and my family. He released himself from his pain, but we are in it for a while still, left in a scramble of his stuff, bills, burial, and memories.

Recently Dave and I spoke about legacy in reference to the movie, "Interstellar". In the movie, it's implied that children carry our legacy in their memories. Mark didn't have children, but he has a different kind of legacy carried in family, friends, coworkers, and Marines. Mark's legacy lives in us and our experiences and memories with him. 

Mark's face more often than not, slight smirk with a question.

2018 Hopes, Goals, and Predictions

Every year I like to reflect on the past year in a list with photos. I try to be accurate and real about what life for our family looks like every year in highlights. At the beginning of the year I try to see what the next year will hold for my family. They aren't necessarily resolutions because they aren't things that require a year of commitment. Many years these predictions and hopes are easy because they are things Dave and I have planned or spoke about. This year my list starts a little different.

1. Be Awkward: Okay, that's not really what I mean, but it makes you laugh right? 2017 meant big changes in my social and community outlook. I'm home more and around the neighborhood more. In society and/or my neighborhood, you avoid talking with people you know at the grocery store or around town. I'm guilty of running down the next aisle or looking fast at my phone instead of waving or saying "hi". This year I want to face the awkward encounters at public places. I will embrace it and be friendly. My dad was a master at this. When I was a kid/high school, I was so embarrassed and would tug on him to leave the store. Alongside the embarrassment, I remember him looking cashiers in the eye and asking them about their families. I saw their faces and what it meant to be recognized beyond their job. I want to see people for who they are, step outside of myself. Every once in a while, this tumbler gets passed around and this year I'm inspired by it. So what if I'm awkward and I don't know what to say. 

2.Edits and Inquiries: Last year I finished my book. You know that super hero, super nerdy book mimicking Lost and Heroes? I will finish edits this year and hopefully send out some inquiries to some editors. I would love to get published and I have a long road to go from here full of rejection, but I will stay the course and do everything I can to achieve this dream. I don't know if it will actually get published this year. Editor review, contracts, and all that jazz. To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure I know where to go with it after I'm done editing. Yay for learning.

3. Write: I have ideas for two more books and a possible sequel to the previous book in my head. I will not finish another book. I know my process takes longer than the average writer, but little by little I'm improving and getting better at writing. I hope to start another book this year..

4. Run: Maybe. This year may grant me some extra time. I would love to get back into running and do another half marathon. Now I don't know if I'll do a half this year, but I would love to get back into running again in the fall. 

5. Preschool for Emily: I can't believe I am writing this. My baby will be in preschool this fall. It feels so weird. I don't really know what that will look like for her. Emily has so much energy and imagination. I'm not sure how she will respond to the structure and focus on letters, numbers, and colors. She doesn't have the interest in those things that Cami did.

6. No More Diapers: Emily can do it this year, right? I feel like she is so close to catching on to it, if she can find the right motivation. Even now, with limited motivation from us, she occassionally uses the potty. She'll catch it this year. I think she has to for pre-school...

7. Toddler Bed: Emily has a lot of big changes this year. I imagine about the time we start really tackling potty training, we'll move her into a toddler bed. I have a feeling we won't get as lucky as we did with Cami on this one. I hope the transition goes well. We're still a few months away, so it's hard to say at this point what it will look like. Experience says my little hurricane may not understand the containment of bedtime. 

8. 1st Grade: Cami starts first grade this fall. That's another weird thing to think about. She'll be gone at school all day long (*cheers*). Kindergarten is only 2.5 hours, so I'm excited to think of her really launching into her education. In addition to kindergarten, she may be starting the ALPS program through the district (Advanced Learning Program). If she passes their exams, she'll go to an accelerated school with focus on STEM  and hands on learning. She's a smart girl and I'm not worried about her. Really, either way it works. I want the best education for her, if that is in her current school or through ALPS, I'm confident she'll do the best she can.

9. Swimming: We took a break with Cami's swim lessons during school. Honestly, it's good because who knew that school would take so much of my, I mean her time. ;)  Emily turns 3 in April and then she will be able to take swimming lessons too. I think this summer we'll start both kids in swimming lessons. It will be so great for both of them. Cami really needs to find a way to be comfortable in the water and with water on her face. It might take a few years for her to be comfortable.

10. Fenced In: We've been in our house for just about six years and this is the year we're going to finally put in a fence (hopefully). We don't have the greatest next door neighbors. I think we'll probably end up springing for it on our own. I hope the fence helps reduce the noise from their side of the property too. We're the corner lot, so our bedroom window faces their garage. Every party, coming, going, and stalling sounds like it's in our bedroom. The fence will help that, right? Let me dream.

11. Dave Active: Dave has been really sticking to this workout thing with Shaun T/T25. He does two workouts these days instead of running. The air quality is horrible and running in the ice could be painful and disastrous. He's really dedicated to this program. It's good to see him feel better and be healthier. I see him continuing this. His self motivation exceeds my own this year. :D

12. Dave Work: Dave will work in his current position for a few more months. After that he goes back to a Help Desk Supervisor-type job for businesses. One thing I see with Dave is his constant search for exceeding in his career and knowledge. At this point, he probably doesn't see much changing, but I am sure he'll find some class or some job to expand his experience and knowledge. I love how hard it works to do better. 

The Future in 12 months or less

Day 28 of 2017 and it's already been a year with some wonderful big changes. Like every year, I like I to "predict" what the future holds for the Hunt family.
This year looks a lot shorter, but I think that's a good thing. Less trouble to get into. ;)

1. Kindergarten- Cameron starts kindergarten this year. In fact, I'm pretty sure registration is next month.  What a weird stage to be in with a kid in elementary school.

2. Community Sports- I would love to get Cameron more involved in community sports, especially swimming before we go to Bear Lake again. She's had a small fear of water that I think some classes at the community center could help. With a little confidence, she will do so much better.

3. Emily will chat it up- Emily already talks a lot, but every week she seems to pick up more words and she's started to actually converse. Useful words she picked up recently include: Need help, poop, more, milk (which sounds more like mewt). More words will make it so much easier to take care of her.

4. Dave- Hard to say what's in store for Dave careerwise.  He feels like he's where he needs to be right now, but he's always looking for new opportunities. Not necessarily a promotion, either, but somewhere that he can learn more and be more valuable to the company.
He's been really active for the past two months and we've been trying to make healthier choices. He's starting to see some great things in his health. I hope this year he feel better and it continues in the way he hopes/wants.

5. Let's Go Out-  My biggest goal this year has nothing to do with losing weight or running a marathon. This year I really want to focus on my marriage. Not that we're struggling or fighting. It's hard when you both work full-time, especially when your schedules are split and you have young children, to maintain a connection.
We rely on babysitters during the week while we work, so it's sometimes hard to find a babysitter for weekend nights too. I've started to check in with the Young Women in the ward to start paying for babysitters. It's early stages. I haven't found anyone yet, but I'm optimistic. If we can get out more than once a month, I'll be thrilled.

6. Friends- 2016 was good and bad for friends, but 2017 looks really good. Reach out a little and it comes back around. It's all about action too. I learned that last year. You can't expect people to just show up and want to be your friend. If you want a relationship/friendship, you need to put the effort into it. I have great hopes. I believe in friendships both old/new. It's important to have community/tribe in your life. Especially when things go South, it's important to have people there to help/support you.

7. Finish It-  Here it is again. I'm pretty sure I've had this on my prediction post three years in a row to finish the book. This year I can do it for real.  I only have 1.5 point of view characters left. That's nothing. Last year I did 2.5 point of view characters, so really 2017 is mine for Project Torrent.
8. College Debt Be-Gone- Dave's college debt is almost gone and our financial goal this year is to finish it off. When we first were married, we had tons of debt between the two of us and six years later we're almost free of the big ones. Quick, knock on wood before one of our cars breaks down.

9. Work Venture- I see something new and/or different for me this year.  I constantly talk about how much I love my job.  I love the relationships I've built with the providers in my territory and making a difference with cancer research (even if it is kind of indirectly). It's given me a lot of purpose and joy to solve some of the insurance problems I run into.  Helping people is so important to do every day and I'm lucky I get paid to do it.  It's really wonderful and I have a hard time seeing myself doing anything else, but 2017 brought some unexpected changes in the past few weeks. Changes in our family needs (*cough* not pregnant) mean that my job may change.

10. Temple- Oh ya, I saved this church one for last so you can skip it if you aren't into it. Almost ten years ago, I made some less than stellar choices for a boy, a boy who dumped me pretty fast. I stepped away from the LDS church for a while and was pretty unhappy. I'm not going  to tell anyone what's right or wrong, I started going back to church because it made me happy. Man, it was hard. That's another topic for another time. I've been going to church pretty solid for about 8 years. Every year I say this is the year I make it to the temple. Saying and doing are different hings.  It's so terrifying after you have made very poor choices. It's frightening to sacrifice. It's terrifying to go alone. Even with repentance, those things helped me become who I am-even as a member and they aren't going to disappear. So even though I'm crazy scared and I feel super unworthy, I'm going to do my best to go inside this year.

2017 looks pretty scary in a couple of ways. There are a lot of uncertainties about the future, that I'll try to blog about as I go. I don't really know where my family or me will be at the end of the year. I hope the changes that look so scary bring more joy. I hope more than anything that I will feel happier this year. Isn't that the greatest hope for 2017?  More joy.

2015 Wrap Up

2015 is about to fad away into a new year and I'm feeling delighted. This year feels like such a roller coaster.  I started out the year with high hopes and big expectations and that's always a dangerous thing to do in a new year.  Instead, 1015 was a rough year for me. I wouldn't say that our family has had anything truly awful happen. It's been no 2012, but it still felt really difficult. It's been a busy year with changes and new challenges. There weren't very many changes, but the ones we had were huge.
Without getting too fluffy, I'll get right into the list and pictures because who really cares about anything else anyway.

1. Emily: Let's start with the most obvious change of 2015. Oh hey, I had a second baby. This time last year we were convinced baby girl was going to named "Julie", but about two weeks before her birth, Emily jumped out at us.
Emily has been a wonderful addition to our family and I'm not just saying that. From day one, she's been the easiest baby.  She nursed really well for about five months. She's calm, happy and I swear her smile could melt a snowman.
Despite her great traits, she is a baby and babies have their own challenges like getting up at night and needing something (diaper change, feeding, playtime) every hour.
These days she's bouncing on her hands and knees and I know we're only few weeks away from crawling.

2. Dreams & Facts: This year I finished my dad's book. I've been working on it since shortly after his death and I finally finished it (that's about three years, people).  I really got into this year. While I was on Maternity Leave, during nap times and shoved in short periods after church I was able to get the majority of it done.
The book is a collection of personal essays, fictional works and a photo history of my dad's life. At 384 pages, it resembles almost a text book, but it was worth every hour and every penny that I put into the book.
The main reason I put it together was for my girls. My daughters will never know my dad and that makes me so crazy sad because of how awesome and amazing my dad was, especially with his kids and grandkids. As unfair as his passing was, this book represents a piece of him and his life. It's something that Cami enjoys now, if only for the pictures. Someday when things are hard for her (God forbid that ever happens), I hope she can flip open this book and have some wisdom or laughs from Grandpa Tate.

3. Genetics:  This year I got a promotion at Myriad. I've been there for about two years and I thought I might try for one this year. It helped that the hiring supervisor was one of my friends and I shared an office with her when I started.
Instead of my previous role and Patient Advocate, I'm a Genetics Patient Advocate (stand up, it's not really worth kneeling over). It's nearly the same job, but instead of working the oncology side of the testing, I'm working only with Genetic Counselors.
It's been such a good move for me. I have specific territories that I'm responsible for (Virginia and North Carolina are my big ones) and I work with the same Genetic Counselors in that area to to get insurance coverage for the genetic tests they order. I love my territory and the majority of the providers I work with are fantastic.
Yesterday I had a big moment when a test I worked really hard on completed in a short time frame in time for a patient's surgery. I called the provider and I said, "Martha, I feel like I could cry. Her test is done." I love being able to have that kind of working relationship that I can say things like that, mean it, and feel like I'm making a difference. I love my job!

4. Cam Balam:  Cami has been so awesome this year! We didn't get her into pre-school, but I'm not really worried about it. Her birthday is later in the year and I've pre-registered her for an online pre-school that my friend recommended.
The biggest thing for Cami this year is potty training.
It almost killed me. Remember this post? Real life, potty training head strong children is like a power struggle with and elephant crossed with a war general, but she did it. In the post I shared all of the tips that worked for Cami, but really it wasn't me. Cami took that and handled it. It took some time but she's got it really well, including overnight (which let's be real, I don't think I had it down until I was like six over night).
She's becoming a little girl this year. Cami loves Disney princesses, she had an especially long stint watching Snow White. Oh man, and she's the best big sister. This morning I heard Emily and as soon as I open the door I see Cami perched up on the crib, talking to Emily. There's an obvious age gap between them, but they're still so cute together.

5. Training Dave:  If only I could. I've been wanting to write that down our whole marriage (Wocka Wocka Wocka).
Okay, but really, almost Dave's entire year was spent training New Hires at work. It's been kind of nice for me because his hours are more normal and I love having him home (the girls love it more than I do).
He's implemented some new procedures at work and he's starting to see some results in the employees.
Doing all of this training kind of screwed him over in some areas, but Dave always takes it in stride.

6. Doctors: Since Emily was in the womb, she had us bouncing around. When I was pregnant, the ultrasound found cysts. After she was born, she had a flat spot on her head, which didn't seem to get better even after we did all the parenting stuff pediatricians say (rotate your baby, tickle their chins, tummy time until they throw up). Okay so that last one was an exaggeration.
We brought it up to  the pediatrician three different times before a different one said, "Hey, that's a pretty flat spot. Go see a plastic surgeon."
Okay because boobs and baby head shapes are the same?
We then went from plastic surgeon to a prosthetic surgeon who prescribed little Emily with a helmet just shy of her turning eight months.
I was scared poop-less about the helmet. I worried about her becoming delayed in her gross motor skills. I worried people would say I was a bad parent and that I didn't do enough for my children. Now, it's not a big deal. The helmet is for Emily and she doesn't mind it at all (anymore). We're still seeing doctors way too often for me.

7. Repairs: The beginning of this year brought some unexpected issues with our house. Yay for home-ownership. We only anticipated one house project this year, but we went above our goals and completed two big projects.
We started with fixing the electrical in the basement. At the beginning of 2015 a plug sparked and burned the plate so this was moved to the top of our priorities because you know, we don't want to burn our house down.
In the summer we deliberated far too long about sprinklers. It was either going to require a ton of hard, manual labor or a lot more money than we anticipated. Late July we bit the bullet and a company fixed our sprinklers in the front yard and put some in the backyard. Like I just said, it was more expensive than we anticipated, but our lives were so busy with a new baby and new responsibilities that there was no way any of us had time to hand water the yard.
It's nice to have those big house projects out of the way. The only big house project we have in our future is a fence and that's an expense that's probably at least two years away.

8. Best Friends Move On: This year Cami's best friend, Emily's future boyfriend and my best friend, who lived in our ward and neighborhood moved to Idaho. I hate it. Jessica and I would never have met if it weren't for a stressful babysitting situation. She helped with Cami when my babysitter was out for a few months. During that time we became friends. Maybe I didn't mean that much to her, but let's be real for a minute. I don't make girl friends easily. Women are caddy, braggy and unrealistic. Jessica isn't like that. We're at the same life stage with kids the same age (Cami, 4 and Vienna only five months younger; Oliver was born 3 or so months before Emily). I could complain about problems, cry when things were hard and cheer when things were awesome and I felt like she was with me in like a real sister/friend way. Her husband got a needed,new job in Idaho and vamoose, just like that no more play-dates, girl's nights or game nights (though they be few thanks to new babies). As 2015 closes, it bums me out that she's so far away.  I went three years without a good girlfriend and it's not likely to happen again anytime soon. Cami misses Vienna and I miss Jessica so much!

9. Colbin:  Zooming out beyond our immediate family; there wasn't a lot of big changes. No weddings and this year no one dear/close passed away.
In the Hunt/Larsen family we only had one big change besides Emily. Heather and Josh had baby boy Colbin in July, only a few short months after Emily. He's a cute little boy and smiles all the time. He's a perfect addition to the family.








Whew, talk about roller coaster. 2015 felt defining to me in the different parts of my life. I feel burned out and exhausted, but I hope it's because 2016 will be stronger and better.
I'll close this chapter of our lives and flip over to something new with an idea that if I want change in my life and in who I am, I need to be that change.

I am different

I am different.
Most of the time I feel normal.

• I have a full time job where I do more than punch keys or stare at a computer screen.
• I am a wife. My husband is my best friend and that's more important to me than cliche' romantic gestures.
• Together we have a daughter with a strong will and a big heart. 
• We live in a nice house and neighborhood where I feel safe and comfortable.
• I am part of a great legacy of realists and dreamers, where money is minimal but love and family are pinnacle.

This is normal and these things are important, yet around me-people want more.They want a perfect yard with perfectly trimmed rosebushes, or spot free cars.  I have friends with new houses with more bathrooms than family members or friends with brand names clothes, who pay more than "$30 for this shirt".

Only then do I notice the difference. I'm happy when you are silent. When you shut up about things and share stories.  Stop talking about spend money and talk about family.  Listen to what isn't said. Listen to happy kids playing or older siblings laughing.  Or maybe live instead of buying or showing. How about being different.

Love and Friendship: Butterflies & Ponies are Forever

Carl, Dave, Paul  at Youth Conference 2000

The title is deceiving. This weekend has been a rough one for my family and those close to us. One of my husband's closest friends passed away on Friday; Paul.

McInzie, Meredith, Paul, Dave, Carl and Cheyenne
October 2004; Before Paul left for bootcamp

I think I met Paul about four times.  He lived in New Jersey and lived a pretty different lifestyle than I was living at those times.  Those moments he was there were important ones for our family and his.  He and his (now) wife flew out for our wedding, and a little after Cami was born to meet her.  In turn, Dave flew out to Jersey for his wedding and we both attended the reception and mini-ceremony in Salt Lake.
Each time we met up, Paul and Leah both greeted me with hugs upon arrival and hugs when they left our house/apartment. Paul exhibited a genuine love every time. I don't mean that in a cheap way that some people say after someone passes away. Paul was an amazing man and my heart hurts that it was cut so short.
Dave grew up in a South Jordan suburb and essentially grew up with the same small group of friends: Brad, Carl, Paul and Shaun. There were a few that rotated in and out of that group. They were the closest group of friend that I have ever met.  After more than 20 years they still meet up and pick up where they left off. I'm totally not used to that. Their friendship and love is so fantastic and it makes Paul's passing that much more difficult. Love is important, but love is hard.

Carl, Dave and Paul

It's well-known in Dave's small circle that Paul has had a hard time.  He was a Marine and served over in Afghanistan or Iraq. I don't know a lot of details. He was shot pretty critically in his service and one of his legs was messed up for life. While recovering with this crazy pain in his leg, survivor guilt and PTSD; he struggled with substance abuse in pain killers and other drugs. During this rough patch, he was living in New Jersey near a VA hospital that could help him with those things. He met Leah at a bar. She was a waitress and they hit it off. They have been together for a long time and like all relationships, it wasn't perfect.
They both made mistakes. They were married last year, but marriage can't always fix things.
I was talking to Dave about love, butterflies and ponies.  When you first meet and over the course of the first year; your relationship with each other is full of gooey butterflies and ponies. After that things change and people sometimes say they fall out of love. I don't think that those feelings fade after a year.
Love, butterflies and ponies are still there when you see those closest to you; those family, friends and/or spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. I think it's like when you make those delicious "poke cakes".
Right after you make a cake, and it's still hot, you poke some holes and pour something like caramel or sweetened condensed milk on the cake.  At first the caramel sits on top and you can see and taste it whenever you want.  Pretty soon it soaks through the holes and fills the cake with that extra spike of sugary goodness. You can't see the flavor anymore, but it's there soaking your cake in something amazing.
You may think your love is fading, that the butterflies and ponies have all run off to someone or something else; but they are just deeper, somewhere intimate and close to you. It's still there. Love changes, but it's constant as long as you are.
My husband's relationship with Paul changed due to choices and distance, but they were close friends and that doesn't change; it's just deeper. Deep enough so that you think it doesn't matter, but then something drastic changes like death or loss and they return so quick you feel like you've been hit by a bus and things will be different forever. Love didn't fade. Butterflies & ponies are forever.