Surprising Bonus from a Skip Step

Sometimes when I'm walking downstairs I miss a step. You know that moment when your foot skims a step and you feel like you are going to die. I may be 30 years old and in decent health, but missing a step makes your life flash before your eyes and for a second you think, "This is how I go."

A month ago I made a huge, purposeful skip step in my life.  I quit my job to stay home, to be....a stay at home mom. The choice was a long time coming and quite a few things lined up that both forced and made it possible. This post is not about those things. 

I had a few expectations that came from quitting: organization, cleaner house, less madness and peace of mind. I found something that I didn't expect and something so priceless. I would never trade this outcome for a million dollars.

Cami, my oldest, is different. Many posts talk about her differences from other children in practically every way.  She doesn't show love in the typical child way.  Even as a baby, she would rather kick her legs on the couch or floor than cuddled. When she was in her toddler years, she didn't say 'I love you' often and hugs were rare. 

Within the first week home, I noticed a change in Cami. In one week, she came up to me 3 times for a hug (and not because she was hurt or sad). As a mom who worked so hard for her the last five years (almost six), that expression is something I've missed her whole life. A hug can say so much more than words.  

I didn't expect or plan on hugs, but it's better than all the money in the world.

Swim

Let's be real, sometimes things are really hard.  Sometimes little things mean the world or feels like the end of it.
Today has been really hard.  I'm not going to whine and complain about the things I struggle with.  I want to talk about the power of music.
I usually listen to podcasts at work.  If you told me five or ten years ago that I would be listening to psuedo talk radio for entertainment at work,  I would have laughed for days.  These podcasts are in no way depressing ; they are an odd collection of stories from history,  writing tips, movie reviews and audio books.
This week felt hard due to my unlisted frustrations. Twice I turned on "Pandora" at work and in less than 20 minutes,  I felt better.
One artist speaks to me more than others:Andrew McMahon.  He has a few different music projects and every one has at least one song that has held my crazy brain together.
There's "Cecilia and the Satellite" that shield to me on multiple levels as a parent and as someone s kid.
Today's song I've heard probably a hundred times from his band,  Jack's Mannequin-Swim.   It's so perfect for today.  The lyric that stuck out at grabbed my ears forcefull was "you gotta swim and swim when it hurts.... you haven't come this far too fall off the earth. "
Sometimes life isn't like stupid happy mom blogs or picture perfect moments.  Sometimes it's drifting and you are swimming to stay afloat.  In those moments, you may find what you need in a tune or a lyric.
Thanks, Andrew McMahon. Ill swim today.

Obligatory 2014 Hunt Recap

I am not a very good blogger, being a working mom takes up every single minute. There is one blogging tradition I remain faithful too. My year in review post is my favorite blog post to do. 

This year has been a really eventful and really great year for my family and me.

  

1.Debt Free: Starting January 3rd I will be virtually debt free (outside of our mortgage). This year will accomplished our goal and paid off both my car and my student loan.  It's a huge step to reduce our debt and be able to put money into more of our long term debts like Dave's student loans for his Master's degree or our house and finally start saving for Cam's college.

2. Baby Girl Hunt:  This year we started planning for baby in January 2014. It was a lot of planning to make sure we were ready in every sense for another baby. We found out she was a girl in November and we're so excited for another beautiful curly haired little girl. The early ultrasounds scared us good with some choloroid cysts, but we also learned that it was not a genetic defect and the cysts would likely go away and have zero effect on her growth an development. Also, due to the blood clot when I was pregnant with Cameron, I'm on blood thinner shots. It's a lot less painful this time around. Maybe I'm just getting used to getting shots. To say that this baby is already a lot of work is a huge understatement.

3. Promotion: Last year I predicted that 2014 was going to be the year for Dave's job and I was right. A few months into the year he was promoted to Technology Solutions Supervisor.  He also had the opportunity to act as Area Director for a few weeks this month while his boss was on vacation.  It has definitely been a good year for Dave's job. He has always worked so hard at his job and it's good for him to finally get recognized and be able to work in a higher capacity.

Carl, Dave, Paul  at Youth Conference 2000

4. The World Loses Good Men:  This year was a hard one for Dave (and me), but more so Dave.  He grew up with a group of guys in South Jordan, Utah. One of those guys, Paul, passed away this summer. Dave was really close with Paul and although I did not have that same friendship, his passing affected me too. He was a really great man; cheerful and constantly friendly. I still cry when we talk about him and Dave connects a lot of his childhood memories with him. It's hard to lose someone too early.

On a different level, my Grandpa Bockholt passed away a few months ago. He was older and recently diagnosed with lung cancer and due to his huge testimony he was ready and willing to move on to better things.  I loved him a lot,

Grandpa Bockholt with his famous smile

he had a big impact on my father's upbringing and as a product of that, he had a big impact on my growth and development. I have felt the weight of the passing of these men. The world needs more like them, not less.

5. Cam-Cam:  She's gigantic and constantly learning and growing. This year has been a fun with her for sure.  She talks non-stop and loves reading. One of her favorite places is the library.  Recently, we discovered she has a knack for tracing letters too.
The other day her Nursery class came into Sharing Time to ease them into the Primary process. I sat behind her and watched her sitting in her chair, watching the chorister with her hands folded in her lap. It blows me away how big she is getting.
This year I had set the tentative goal of potty-training, but after three failed attempts and under our pediatrician's reassurance, decided that she wasn't ready and to be honest Dave and I probably weren't ready for that gigantic elephant of a problem yet.
She has found her own interests this year including: books are a continuous theme with her, Dora the Explorer, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, Frozen (just like all little girls), Play Doh, letter blocks and playing pretend with her figurines/baby doll. It's adorable to see her take her toys for walks around the house in stroller/coach them on using the potty/put them down for naps. She's becoming such a little person.

6. Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam Again:. I received my first church calling in four years as a Sunbeam teacher. There are only four kids in my class, four very rambunctious four-year-olds that feel like 15 kids.  It's been a challenging calling, but it's nice to talk about the gospel basics and interact with the innocent and happy kids. They are cheerful bright kids only about a year older than Cam. A few of my lessons have been really great for them and it's fun to see things click in their heads the seeds that will grow as they learn and grow.

7. Braces Be Gone:  Best post birthday gift ever. After two years of metal mouth, cutting sandwiches and brushing my teeth after every snack/meal; they finally came off. I've been pretty self-conscious about crooked teeth my whole life and it feels so good to finally have the smile I imagined.  I don't stop smiling and laughing anymore because I don't ever feel awkward about whether people are laughing with me or staring at my teeth.

8. Auntie M: This year was a big baby year for both Tate and Hunt families. On Dave's side, two cute little girls were born: Evelyn & Macie. On the Tate side, handsome little Curtis was born.
Being an aunt is a lot of fun, you get to do a lot of the playing and smiling, and skip out on the super whiny times, poopy diapers and screaming at night.
It's so fun to be with them and see their personalities develop as they grow and learn.

9. The Wedding Game:  This year featured two weddings on the Tate side. My beautiful niece married her long-time boyfriend Angel and moved back to Ohio to live with her family.  I wasn't able to make it, but it looks like it was a great time.
My mom married an old friend from the old neighborhood this year. I've known him almost my whole life. They used to double date when I was a kid. They reconnected over genealogy last year after his wife passed away.  I love that my mom married Jim. He's a really good man and they are so cute and happy together. At first it was a little difficult because things were so different, especially teaching Cameron to call Jim "grandpa". It felt a little awkward and wrong to me, but he is a great grandpa for Cameron and I can see his love and care for her grow.

10. Updates: This year we had a full house. The three of us lived upstairs and Dave's sister Heather and her family lived in the basement (Josh & baby Macie).  They moved out at the beginning of December just in time for the power downstairs to freak out.  We already knew that the previous home owners were diy type of people, but they did a pretty awful job with an ancient panel and the basement drawing the majority of it's power from the A.C. unit.  A few weeks ago we called up Home Advisor for a well-reviewed electrician and he's been working on the electrical this week.  It will be so nice to have a really good basement for spare bedrooms for family, play room and a really good entertainment room I have fondly nick-named the "Nerd Lair" (more on that in next year's post).

11. Family Vacation: This is a first for our little family. Sure, we make the yearly camping and extended family gatherings with my mom/company and Dave's mom/company, but this year we decided it was time to share some experiences together without the extras.  As a bonus, Dave's brother's family lives in San Diego and Cameron is absolutely in love with seeing "fishies" at the aquarium in Utah.  Cami loved the flight and giggled hysterically through take-off. While in San Diego we played at Sea World, San Diego Zoo and during a rainy day we visited the gigantic Nicklecaid world of Dave & Buster's. Sea World was by far the best experience I have ever had on a vacation. The park was empty (thanks to a cooler day and a Thursday in December) and Cam absolutely LOVED it. As a parent, when your kid is that excited and thrilled by something, you can't help but feel that same exhilaration. I can't get over how great it was. Due to baby number two, it's doubtful we will go on another big vacation like that for a few years and it's so awesome that it turned out so well with no accidents, irritations or failures. Successful Hunt Family Vacation!

12. Leer:  Last year I predicted to be once again running constantly, but I rediscovered an old hobby in reading.  This year I read 39 books and it's quite the random collection including multiple genres and ages from juvenile fiction, young adult and adult fiction.  I had a lot of favorites, but if I had to pick my favorite book that I read this year it would be "Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell. No joke, this book is huge, bigger than the film and bigger than I realized. I felt like it was a discussion on life and choices and how to break free of the various imprisonments one can face.





As you can see this year was pretty eventful for me and my family. We have grown even closer together and have really bonded as a family. This year felt incredibly fast.  I can't believe that it's already the end of 2014. It's been a great year, nay, a FANTASTIC year. I'm sad to see it end, but I expect next year to be just as fantastic as long as I have my family, friends and neighbors.  Here's to 2015, may it bring everyone joy and love and butterflies.

Genetics

11/26

Yesterday was the official 20 week ultrasound. Thanks to my "dramatic" history, I will have two separate ultrasounds done at the hospital to check the babies growth, fluid levels, etc.

We went last week to Fetal Foto at the mall to get gender because Dave had to work yesterday. So I went to the hospital by myself. Nothing too crazy. During my last trimester with Cameron I had to get stress-tests done there every week. I knew the routine and nothing weird can come of this right? I admit I felt a little nervous, because baby girl does not move very much.

The ultrasound tech was oddly impersonal, but I knew something was up when a good chunk of the time was spent measuring parts of the baby's brain.

Finally, the supervising physician comes in and drops the sentence like he's noticed a new freckle or that you dyed your hair, "I don't know if Mary talked to you about the cysts in your baby's brain but.."

He literally trailed off like that.  My heart sinks and my brain starts running a thousand miles an hour, but my ears are desperately trying to listen because this is important and there's no one here with me to listen.

Baby girl has two fairly large looking cysts in her brain, one on each hemisphere.  In the ultrasound it looks like her brain is made up of two donuts (choroid plexus cysts).

The angle of this is a little weird, but you can see parts of the cysts.

These cysts have three possible attributes/outcomes:

1. They could mean absolutely nothing. Doctor said 5% of normal babies born each year have these cysts and are completely fine and fully-functioning babies.

2. Many times they just go away in like a month.  The baby's body sorts out the cyst and distributes it, or something. I'm not a doctor....

3. These cysts are relatively common in babies with a genetic disorder linked to Trisonomy 18 or Trisonomy 21. These two genetic disorders and commonly known as Evan's Syndrome and Down Syndrome. 

After the doctor lists these options, he goes on to do his own ultrasound and I'm doing everything I can not to break into hysterical cries. He checks for other signs of genetic disorder: cleft palate (she has a fully connected lip and nose) and opening hands (she does it just slightly and wiggles her fingers on one hand for the ultrasound).

Following the ultrasound, I opt to do the stupid blood test to find out how many of these chromosomes my baby carries.

It takes 7-10 BUSINESS DAYS, otherwise known as the longest days of my life.

I'm not a super big fan of blasting business all over Facebook and I didn't really want to tell many people because I'm trying not to freak out about this. I don't meet any of the other criteria points that would indicate these genetic disorders and frankly, Dave isn't really worried.

I can't help it. I'm carrying her inside me. She's a big piece of me and it's terrifying to think abou the future. Even more so than when we first started planning for second baby 11 months ago.  I hoped that this baby would be different than Cami...I meant easier...

So it's been eight days since the test and thanks to the holiday, it's been only four business days. 

Sorry I'm Not Sorry

Sorry I'm not sorry.
I lit Facebook on fire today. The fires will spark a debate and I'll probably de-friend some people from it.
Good!
This girl I went to high school with posted this picture of her bare stomach today on Facebook and her quest to complete some 30 day ab challenge or something.  At the end of the post she asks who will hold responsible for completing this challenge.
There are so many wrong things about this post, too many things not too light my match and step up on my soap box.
1. I've been saying for months (remember this post?) if not years how social media has become a place for people to gain validation.  My friend may not have the six pack abs of a gymnast, but it was flat and pretty defined. To me, it looked as though she wanted someone to post, "Oh, Emily, you don't need to go to the gym, look how skinny you are!" Blah Blah Blah. I will not validate or provide you fuel to make you feel better about yourself.
2. If you can't hold yourself accountable for your choices and decisions, ESPECIALLY when it comes to your body, you cannot expect anyone else to do the same.
3. The worst part about this is this girl should know better. After high school, she developed some sort of form of alopecia and her hair grows in patches. As such, she has some different haircuts that still make her look feminine but are obviously a little different. She learned to be comfortable with her lack of hair and she should understand that self worth and value are so much more than what you look like.
4. And above all, this popular circulating ecard says it all.

So I sacrificed "Emily" and told her as much. It seemed a lot more angry because my phone thinks Every Word Needs To Be Capitalized On Facebook.
So sorry I'm not sorry.
This selfish, objectification in the world is so depressing.
Emily and I both have daughters. What would Cami or "Susan" think or say if they saw this post?
Would she think that she needs public recognition for everything she does, including participation trophies?
Or that everything you do, you do it for someone else to approve or give you a virtual high five?
Maybe she will think that her value is only skin deep and a fit body is all that matters?
This is the age of social media. It will teach our children what matters and that's terrifying.

Love and Friendship: Butterflies & Ponies are Forever

Carl, Dave, Paul  at Youth Conference 2000

The title is deceiving. This weekend has been a rough one for my family and those close to us. One of my husband's closest friends passed away on Friday; Paul.

McInzie, Meredith, Paul, Dave, Carl and Cheyenne
October 2004; Before Paul left for bootcamp

I think I met Paul about four times.  He lived in New Jersey and lived a pretty different lifestyle than I was living at those times.  Those moments he was there were important ones for our family and his.  He and his (now) wife flew out for our wedding, and a little after Cami was born to meet her.  In turn, Dave flew out to Jersey for his wedding and we both attended the reception and mini-ceremony in Salt Lake.
Each time we met up, Paul and Leah both greeted me with hugs upon arrival and hugs when they left our house/apartment. Paul exhibited a genuine love every time. I don't mean that in a cheap way that some people say after someone passes away. Paul was an amazing man and my heart hurts that it was cut so short.
Dave grew up in a South Jordan suburb and essentially grew up with the same small group of friends: Brad, Carl, Paul and Shaun. There were a few that rotated in and out of that group. They were the closest group of friend that I have ever met.  After more than 20 years they still meet up and pick up where they left off. I'm totally not used to that. Their friendship and love is so fantastic and it makes Paul's passing that much more difficult. Love is important, but love is hard.

Carl, Dave and Paul

It's well-known in Dave's small circle that Paul has had a hard time.  He was a Marine and served over in Afghanistan or Iraq. I don't know a lot of details. He was shot pretty critically in his service and one of his legs was messed up for life. While recovering with this crazy pain in his leg, survivor guilt and PTSD; he struggled with substance abuse in pain killers and other drugs. During this rough patch, he was living in New Jersey near a VA hospital that could help him with those things. He met Leah at a bar. She was a waitress and they hit it off. They have been together for a long time and like all relationships, it wasn't perfect.
They both made mistakes. They were married last year, but marriage can't always fix things.
I was talking to Dave about love, butterflies and ponies.  When you first meet and over the course of the first year; your relationship with each other is full of gooey butterflies and ponies. After that things change and people sometimes say they fall out of love. I don't think that those feelings fade after a year.
Love, butterflies and ponies are still there when you see those closest to you; those family, friends and/or spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. I think it's like when you make those delicious "poke cakes".
Right after you make a cake, and it's still hot, you poke some holes and pour something like caramel or sweetened condensed milk on the cake.  At first the caramel sits on top and you can see and taste it whenever you want.  Pretty soon it soaks through the holes and fills the cake with that extra spike of sugary goodness. You can't see the flavor anymore, but it's there soaking your cake in something amazing.
You may think your love is fading, that the butterflies and ponies have all run off to someone or something else; but they are just deeper, somewhere intimate and close to you. It's still there. Love changes, but it's constant as long as you are.
My husband's relationship with Paul changed due to choices and distance, but they were close friends and that doesn't change; it's just deeper. Deep enough so that you think it doesn't matter, but then something drastic changes like death or loss and they return so quick you feel like you've been hit by a bus and things will be different forever. Love didn't fade. Butterflies & ponies are forever.