When Life Goes On

No wonder today feels weird. Mark died exactly one month ago. The power in my neighborhood went out and right now the wind is howling. The weather feels more real than I do this week.

I vaguely remember similar feelings after my dad died. The world feels out of touch and I wonder about the value of life. So often these days life is found in money, jobs, images, and things. I feel like Mark pushed me back out of those things. Like I'm on the outside looking at my life. Is this what life is about? What priorities could possibly matter more right now than my brother? 

I've skipped out on a lot of things recently. Family things, friend things, and church things pushed aside. My last post talked a lot about people and how important they have been, but in the same breath it's incredibly hard to sit and talk about trivial things with my mind screaming in the background, "SHUT UP, CHERYL. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR PERFECT KALE SMOOTHIES.. NO ONE CARES ABOUT HOW EXPENSIVE DOCTOR'S BILLS ARE. MY BROTHER IS DEAD. HE SHOT HIMSELF AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TRAFFIC?"

I get it. Life goes on and other people don't know or understand. My life feels stuck, like I've stumbled into a big wall and I can't get over it. So I look behind me and I see how ridiculous humanity can be. How ridiculous I can be. Our lives are not measured by the little things. They are measured in emotions and relationships. Can we build relationships with diets, bills, traffic, weather, or shopping trips? No way and to be honest, I'm tired of living that way. Life is too short to waste on the trivial and unimportant. 

My brother was 28 years old. 344 months old. That is so tiny. He spent so much of it worried about money, success, careers, marriage, and mistakes. We talked a lot about all of them. These worries are human. They are stressors. His life was more than that. My life is more than that. 

This week I miss him pretty bad. I haven't felt like cooking dinner. While making grocery store frozen pizza the other day, I felt like I should invite him for dinner. I reached for my phone before I remembered that the text would fall flat, lost in the circuits. I want desperately to hear his quirky sense of humor that put things into perspective and made the big things I fight seem small. He had this way with sarcasm. He vocalize things with this flat line montone voice and make it seem silly.

 

It hurts a lot this week because I always felt like Mark and I were similar. We got each other. We were imperfect people who knew both sides of the track. We may have picked different sides, but we got it. We struggled with our emotions, but coped in different ways. We shared blood and tears. It's so isolating and such a lonely feeling now without him. 

His hugs were weak sauce. They were half-hearted feeling one arm limp across my shoulder like a fish while the other barely touched my shoulder blade. I would give anything for a hug today. 

Grief comes and goes at weird times. Hopefully my soul finds a way to anchor back to life cause this is starting to feel really hard. 

2018 Hopes, Goals, and Predictions

Every year I like to reflect on the past year in a list with photos. I try to be accurate and real about what life for our family looks like every year in highlights. At the beginning of the year I try to see what the next year will hold for my family. They aren't necessarily resolutions because they aren't things that require a year of commitment. Many years these predictions and hopes are easy because they are things Dave and I have planned or spoke about. This year my list starts a little different.

1. Be Awkward: Okay, that's not really what I mean, but it makes you laugh right? 2017 meant big changes in my social and community outlook. I'm home more and around the neighborhood more. In society and/or my neighborhood, you avoid talking with people you know at the grocery store or around town. I'm guilty of running down the next aisle or looking fast at my phone instead of waving or saying "hi". This year I want to face the awkward encounters at public places. I will embrace it and be friendly. My dad was a master at this. When I was a kid/high school, I was so embarrassed and would tug on him to leave the store. Alongside the embarrassment, I remember him looking cashiers in the eye and asking them about their families. I saw their faces and what it meant to be recognized beyond their job. I want to see people for who they are, step outside of myself. Every once in a while, this tumbler gets passed around and this year I'm inspired by it. So what if I'm awkward and I don't know what to say. 

2.Edits and Inquiries: Last year I finished my book. You know that super hero, super nerdy book mimicking Lost and Heroes? I will finish edits this year and hopefully send out some inquiries to some editors. I would love to get published and I have a long road to go from here full of rejection, but I will stay the course and do everything I can to achieve this dream. I don't know if it will actually get published this year. Editor review, contracts, and all that jazz. To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure I know where to go with it after I'm done editing. Yay for learning.

3. Write: I have ideas for two more books and a possible sequel to the previous book in my head. I will not finish another book. I know my process takes longer than the average writer, but little by little I'm improving and getting better at writing. I hope to start another book this year..

4. Run: Maybe. This year may grant me some extra time. I would love to get back into running and do another half marathon. Now I don't know if I'll do a half this year, but I would love to get back into running again in the fall. 

5. Preschool for Emily: I can't believe I am writing this. My baby will be in preschool this fall. It feels so weird. I don't really know what that will look like for her. Emily has so much energy and imagination. I'm not sure how she will respond to the structure and focus on letters, numbers, and colors. She doesn't have the interest in those things that Cami did.

6. No More Diapers: Emily can do it this year, right? I feel like she is so close to catching on to it, if she can find the right motivation. Even now, with limited motivation from us, she occassionally uses the potty. She'll catch it this year. I think she has to for pre-school...

7. Toddler Bed: Emily has a lot of big changes this year. I imagine about the time we start really tackling potty training, we'll move her into a toddler bed. I have a feeling we won't get as lucky as we did with Cami on this one. I hope the transition goes well. We're still a few months away, so it's hard to say at this point what it will look like. Experience says my little hurricane may not understand the containment of bedtime. 

8. 1st Grade: Cami starts first grade this fall. That's another weird thing to think about. She'll be gone at school all day long (*cheers*). Kindergarten is only 2.5 hours, so I'm excited to think of her really launching into her education. In addition to kindergarten, she may be starting the ALPS program through the district (Advanced Learning Program). If she passes their exams, she'll go to an accelerated school with focus on STEM  and hands on learning. She's a smart girl and I'm not worried about her. Really, either way it works. I want the best education for her, if that is in her current school or through ALPS, I'm confident she'll do the best she can.

9. Swimming: We took a break with Cami's swim lessons during school. Honestly, it's good because who knew that school would take so much of my, I mean her time. ;)  Emily turns 3 in April and then she will be able to take swimming lessons too. I think this summer we'll start both kids in swimming lessons. It will be so great for both of them. Cami really needs to find a way to be comfortable in the water and with water on her face. It might take a few years for her to be comfortable.

10. Fenced In: We've been in our house for just about six years and this is the year we're going to finally put in a fence (hopefully). We don't have the greatest next door neighbors. I think we'll probably end up springing for it on our own. I hope the fence helps reduce the noise from their side of the property too. We're the corner lot, so our bedroom window faces their garage. Every party, coming, going, and stalling sounds like it's in our bedroom. The fence will help that, right? Let me dream.

11. Dave Active: Dave has been really sticking to this workout thing with Shaun T/T25. He does two workouts these days instead of running. The air quality is horrible and running in the ice could be painful and disastrous. He's really dedicated to this program. It's good to see him feel better and be healthier. I see him continuing this. His self motivation exceeds my own this year. :D

12. Dave Work: Dave will work in his current position for a few more months. After that he goes back to a Help Desk Supervisor-type job for businesses. One thing I see with Dave is his constant search for exceeding in his career and knowledge. At this point, he probably doesn't see much changing, but I am sure he'll find some class or some job to expand his experience and knowledge. I love how hard it works to do better. 

Results

I really tried to think of something clever to put as the title, but I just don't have it in me today.
Results came back almost two weeks ago for my baby girl's choroid plexus cysts. The results were NEGATIVE, which means no genetic defect and the cysts will either go away on their own or will not affect her growth/development.
With these results and Christmas right around the corner, I looked around me and my life a few nights ago.
For the first time in my entire life I feel truly happy and content.
It's a new feeling to me, I've spent so much of my life pushing and ready for the next step (i.e. degree, marriage, family, church stuff, debt free, etc.). To say it's nice to settle into life is the biggest understatement ever! It's like my heart wants to jump out of my body and give everyone a big hug.
My life isn't perfect and a lot of times each day has it's own challenges. Some days are harder than others, but along with that, some days are really great.
Really, I am in a good place: I have a wonderful family, married to my best friend (still my best friend) and a silly three-year-old.  I have a nice house that's perfect for our family in every way.   Dave and I both have fully functioning cars and good jobs to provide for our family's needs.
Right now I would not change a thing.
I don't want a new house. I'll take our weird house with it's weird electrical and never-ending projects.
I  am happy with our cars, despite their "well-loved" exterior (that's probably just my car) and high mileage, because they keep us safe without a car payment and without too much maintenance (outside of the debacle a couple of months ago).
I'll take Dave and Cam any day and everyday over anyone and everything else.  They both love me through everything; past, present and future and nothing can change that. Even when I feel absolutely crazy with frustration or sadness, they both still love me and won't leave me. It's true family security, what I've been waiting for my whole life.
Who needs any new stuff this year, my inner-self/chi/etc. gives me the gift of joy and peace this year.

Social Media Validation

Relationships and social media are tricky things to match together. In my opinion, I've removed mention of my relationships outside of my profile stating I'm "married" because I don't think social media is the place to plaster your relationships.

You all know the type I'm talking about, "I love my husband SO much, he did A, B, and C for me today" or even pictures via Instagram, "Out on a hot date with my awesome husband", etc. As a viewer of such irritating posts, I used to feel jealousy or whatever that my spouse didn't do stuff for me, but then I realize that there's a root to those posts: the validation, bragging, covering up and impersonal.

The quest for validation IS what social media has become.  People post pictures and status' to get recognition from their peers. When they say stuff like how much they love their husband, they are looking for that attention to make them feel like, "Oh, so-and-so said they wished their husband was as great as mine. I really am lucky."  Gag me now, if you need to validate your relationship and your marriage, go to the source. Go to your spouse and tell them, spend time with them instead of being online.

There is a fine line between being grateful and bragging. This line is crossed everyday sometimes multiple times online. Why do we feel that need to display what's great about our life and deny the bad?  That image-focused world won't get us anywhere better. The first brag creates a cycle and more posts and more pictures and then no one cares anyway and you get blocked. Real life isn't perfect, so why display perfection? Why shove pictures of your "wonderful" life into everyone's face?  Why not step back and see it for what it is? Flawed and beautiful; a combination that should be reveled in and not just talked about to the world. 

My next thought about these braggers is that perhaps they are trying to cover up really awful stuff.  The other day, I was listening to morning talk show and they were discussing social media and how people put on this facade for the world to see online, when real life is so much worse/better.  My coworker shared with me a story that one of her friends on Facebook always says how much she loves her husband; when in real life her husband cheated on her and was a complete douche bag, but she puts on this face for social media so that everything seems okay.  Again, if stuff isn't really okay and you are trying to lie to yourself online. Turn off the computer and go see a relationship therapist or have a real conversation with your spouse/significant other.

I don't like to post about how great my husband is because the internet is not the place.  My relationship with him is personal. It's between him and me. That's it. If I love him and I'm grateful he did something for me. I tell him in person or I do something special to show my gratitude.  Our relationship is precious and the internet is a awful, degrading place to put my love for show. A relationship is private and what goes on with us: good or bad doesn't belong on the internet. We figure out our problems and we grow; but we don't need to show everyone. We show each other, we tell each other, we love each other.....without social media.

This blog entry was a little rough to sort out my thoughts. I hope it make sense. If this article reduces "I love my husband" facebook status' or one less picture in my feed. I will have succeeded.