This Fight

Work has been really slow lately. It makes the days feel long and my mind more crazy.
At work, we have patient speakers come and talk to us. They tell their story to reminds us of the impact of our work and to share their experience living with a hereditary cancer syndrome.
It's very powerful to hear people empowered and taking their life back from generic predisposition.
I get something more. I remember applying/interviewing and knowing this was where I belong. I'm not here to earn a paycheck; we don't really need it.
My dad's cancer is not hereditary (as far as science can tell), but if genetic testing could save his life, I would fight for it.
Sitting in the  auditorium, I felt him. I really believe he put me here.
I'm fighting for wonderful people to live until their 90, see their kids and grandkids grow up. I can't go back in time and save my dad, but each genetic test I fight for gives knowledge and power to others.

Utah Religion

I'm about to get on my soap box and things are about to get real personal.
I am a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. This weekend was General Conference , where twice a year we are taught in a weekend long conference by the leaders of the church.
Almost immediately following this conference, this post started to circulate among my friends and their social media

I take offense to everything about this post. Only in Utah would this be OK and draw so many tears. She is outright portraying herself as better than this man at first by appearance and second by spirit. His appearance in the conference center changed her heart. The physical appearance or presence of anyone should never be a big deal. The gospel is about equality and love. Her post shows none of that beyond her selfish recognition. Did she speak with him? Did she tell him she felt this way? I find it disturbing that her feelings weren't from her presence there, from anyone besides someone with a past. People with a past are not at church to improve your testimony or remind you of Christ.
You could argue that she was staying that physical appearance doesn't matter while he is in a holy place, but the fact that she brings it up at all shows otherwise.
I stopped going to church for a few years. The people I knew and interacted with did not seem to see what I wore and didn't care about my past choices. They cared about how I felt in the moment and the present situation I was living in.
I have a testimony of the church. I know it's true. I feel so much joy when I'm there, but when some members open their mouths, I lose it. I feel separate and aware of my imperfections. Aware of mistakes that I've repented for and aware that my dress is too frumpy.
Christ didn't see me that way and he doesn't see that man that way. My mistakes, visible or not do not matter. He sees us all as works in progress. He sees our heart and our spirit. Wake up, Utah. We're more than our visible appearance and past errors. We are the same. Let our religion be in our hearts.

The Resurrection

"Resurrection" has been on my mind this weekend.
Facebook is full of spiritual declarations , but that's not really my style and that's not why it's been on my mind.
Yesterday I trekked a 1.25 hour drive to Mapleton by myself for an extended family Easter egg hunt and lunch.
We used to make a similar drive when I was a kid out to Provo to see my grandparents. My brothers, sister and I would argue occasionally about who saw the crisp, white "Y"on the mountain.
Yesterday I caught sight of the letter and tried to point it out to Cami.
The drive there and back felt so lonely. Dave was working, of course. More than that, I missed my dad.
He used to play the alphabet game with us, pointing out any pizza sign or quilt shop to help us out. Or the cheesy dad jokes to make us giggle and roll our eyes.
Easter means I will see him again. "though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God"
The first time I heard that phrase in a general conference talk, I saw my dad. He sees God. One day, I will see him and God. Christ's resurrection connects me forever to my father and his father forever. Its love. It's easter.

Dreaming of sweet 2016

Here we are 40 days into 2016 and I haven't posted my predictions or anticipations for the year.
I ended 2015 feeling depressed, burned out and incredibly lonely. I'd like to say 2016 will be great; full of happiness and excitement- but you know, life happens.
It will hold wonderful moments , but it will be challenging.

1. Alternating Schedules: Three weeks ago Dave started a new schedule.  As a result of poor  management decisions and lay offs, he works 11am-830pm with Tuesday/Wednesday off. He gets home 20 min after the kids are in bed. Aka 3 days a week work 8 hrs making money and 6 hours trying to minimize stress, crying and life of both girls and 2 days a week I shuffle the kids through church and Saturday clean up.  By the time Dave gets home, I am nearly sleeping on the couch. Goodbye date nights out even time to watch a show together. Its awful, lonely and exhausting.
2. Preschool: Dave is taking advantage of the extra time in the morning to get Cami involved at a local preschool. She LOVES preschool. She is great with letters and numbers already, but preschool will help with structure and to help her grow. By the end of the year, she will learn so much. I hope to get her involved in some sport too. She's getting so big! 😢
3. Walking and Talking: Emily is right on target for gross motor development. She's been crawling for a while and pulls herself into standing on a few reachable furniture. She's on her way to walking very soon. She's a happy baby and doesn't say much that I can understand right now, but by the end of the year she will have some vocabulary.
4. Less one doctor, plus one: Another big  development is the removal of her helmet forever. We finally completed the helmet/shaping process. It was hard, but it was worth it. Her ratios are normal and all looks well as far as the shape off her head. I've gotten used to comments and questions about the helmet, none of which are hurtful or accusing. It's wonderful to see a much happier, albeit clumsier baby.
This year also holds a small surgery fur baby girl. The muscles in her left eyelid are loose and after her first birthday, we've got a surgery scheduled to tighten the muscles so as to not interfere with her vision in the future.
5. Genetics: Healthcare with isn't in my blood, but genetics feels like home. My job as a Genetics Patient Advocate will have ups and downs, but I don't see any big changes, promotions or layoffs in my future. I made a positive impact in the territory I work along Genetic Counselors last year and it will continue to grow. I love working with them and I love making a difference everyday.
6. Finish It: 2015 was an inspiration. I started listening to writing podcasts at work and I finished my dad's book. It's my turn. Last month I finished Part 1 of my book with four more plot lines to go. It's very rough writing, but I'm going to finish it this year-at least a draft.
7. Werk it: There have been a few years where I make goals of running races or losing "X" pounds. This year I'm not making any goals I can't guarantee. With a second kid not quite at full mobility, who is both super clumsy and cuddly; I'm not going to have the time or energy to devote to getting fit. Instead this year, I will be more active. It's a vague, but achievable goal through walks, work out programs and playing with the kids. I want my time to be valuable.
8. Extended Family: Early this year Dave's sister and brother welcomed two babies into their individual families. Stacey and Derek welcomed baby boy Beckett in January and a few weeks later Jeff and Leslie brought baby girl Isla into the family. Dave's family is growing exponentially every year, but my side will remain pretty static this year unless my baby brother makes some big plans.

This year looks boring on paper filled with the same things from past years on repeat. 2016 started on an uphill battle, let's hope we reach some great heights and catch some  breaks in our challenges.

2015 Wrap Up

2015 is about to fad away into a new year and I'm feeling delighted. This year feels like such a roller coaster.  I started out the year with high hopes and big expectations and that's always a dangerous thing to do in a new year.  Instead, 1015 was a rough year for me. I wouldn't say that our family has had anything truly awful happen. It's been no 2012, but it still felt really difficult. It's been a busy year with changes and new challenges. There weren't very many changes, but the ones we had were huge.
Without getting too fluffy, I'll get right into the list and pictures because who really cares about anything else anyway.

1. Emily: Let's start with the most obvious change of 2015. Oh hey, I had a second baby. This time last year we were convinced baby girl was going to named "Julie", but about two weeks before her birth, Emily jumped out at us.
Emily has been a wonderful addition to our family and I'm not just saying that. From day one, she's been the easiest baby.  She nursed really well for about five months. She's calm, happy and I swear her smile could melt a snowman.
Despite her great traits, she is a baby and babies have their own challenges like getting up at night and needing something (diaper change, feeding, playtime) every hour.
These days she's bouncing on her hands and knees and I know we're only few weeks away from crawling.

2. Dreams & Facts: This year I finished my dad's book. I've been working on it since shortly after his death and I finally finished it (that's about three years, people).  I really got into this year. While I was on Maternity Leave, during nap times and shoved in short periods after church I was able to get the majority of it done.
The book is a collection of personal essays, fictional works and a photo history of my dad's life. At 384 pages, it resembles almost a text book, but it was worth every hour and every penny that I put into the book.
The main reason I put it together was for my girls. My daughters will never know my dad and that makes me so crazy sad because of how awesome and amazing my dad was, especially with his kids and grandkids. As unfair as his passing was, this book represents a piece of him and his life. It's something that Cami enjoys now, if only for the pictures. Someday when things are hard for her (God forbid that ever happens), I hope she can flip open this book and have some wisdom or laughs from Grandpa Tate.

3. Genetics:  This year I got a promotion at Myriad. I've been there for about two years and I thought I might try for one this year. It helped that the hiring supervisor was one of my friends and I shared an office with her when I started.
Instead of my previous role and Patient Advocate, I'm a Genetics Patient Advocate (stand up, it's not really worth kneeling over). It's nearly the same job, but instead of working the oncology side of the testing, I'm working only with Genetic Counselors.
It's been such a good move for me. I have specific territories that I'm responsible for (Virginia and North Carolina are my big ones) and I work with the same Genetic Counselors in that area to to get insurance coverage for the genetic tests they order. I love my territory and the majority of the providers I work with are fantastic.
Yesterday I had a big moment when a test I worked really hard on completed in a short time frame in time for a patient's surgery. I called the provider and I said, "Martha, I feel like I could cry. Her test is done." I love being able to have that kind of working relationship that I can say things like that, mean it, and feel like I'm making a difference. I love my job!

4. Cam Balam:  Cami has been so awesome this year! We didn't get her into pre-school, but I'm not really worried about it. Her birthday is later in the year and I've pre-registered her for an online pre-school that my friend recommended.
The biggest thing for Cami this year is potty training.
It almost killed me. Remember this post? Real life, potty training head strong children is like a power struggle with and elephant crossed with a war general, but she did it. In the post I shared all of the tips that worked for Cami, but really it wasn't me. Cami took that and handled it. It took some time but she's got it really well, including overnight (which let's be real, I don't think I had it down until I was like six over night).
She's becoming a little girl this year. Cami loves Disney princesses, she had an especially long stint watching Snow White. Oh man, and she's the best big sister. This morning I heard Emily and as soon as I open the door I see Cami perched up on the crib, talking to Emily. There's an obvious age gap between them, but they're still so cute together.

5. Training Dave:  If only I could. I've been wanting to write that down our whole marriage (Wocka Wocka Wocka).
Okay, but really, almost Dave's entire year was spent training New Hires at work. It's been kind of nice for me because his hours are more normal and I love having him home (the girls love it more than I do).
He's implemented some new procedures at work and he's starting to see some results in the employees.
Doing all of this training kind of screwed him over in some areas, but Dave always takes it in stride.

6. Doctors: Since Emily was in the womb, she had us bouncing around. When I was pregnant, the ultrasound found cysts. After she was born, she had a flat spot on her head, which didn't seem to get better even after we did all the parenting stuff pediatricians say (rotate your baby, tickle their chins, tummy time until they throw up). Okay so that last one was an exaggeration.
We brought it up to  the pediatrician three different times before a different one said, "Hey, that's a pretty flat spot. Go see a plastic surgeon."
Okay because boobs and baby head shapes are the same?
We then went from plastic surgeon to a prosthetic surgeon who prescribed little Emily with a helmet just shy of her turning eight months.
I was scared poop-less about the helmet. I worried about her becoming delayed in her gross motor skills. I worried people would say I was a bad parent and that I didn't do enough for my children. Now, it's not a big deal. The helmet is for Emily and she doesn't mind it at all (anymore). We're still seeing doctors way too often for me.

7. Repairs: The beginning of this year brought some unexpected issues with our house. Yay for home-ownership. We only anticipated one house project this year, but we went above our goals and completed two big projects.
We started with fixing the electrical in the basement. At the beginning of 2015 a plug sparked and burned the plate so this was moved to the top of our priorities because you know, we don't want to burn our house down.
In the summer we deliberated far too long about sprinklers. It was either going to require a ton of hard, manual labor or a lot more money than we anticipated. Late July we bit the bullet and a company fixed our sprinklers in the front yard and put some in the backyard. Like I just said, it was more expensive than we anticipated, but our lives were so busy with a new baby and new responsibilities that there was no way any of us had time to hand water the yard.
It's nice to have those big house projects out of the way. The only big house project we have in our future is a fence and that's an expense that's probably at least two years away.

8. Best Friends Move On: This year Cami's best friend, Emily's future boyfriend and my best friend, who lived in our ward and neighborhood moved to Idaho. I hate it. Jessica and I would never have met if it weren't for a stressful babysitting situation. She helped with Cami when my babysitter was out for a few months. During that time we became friends. Maybe I didn't mean that much to her, but let's be real for a minute. I don't make girl friends easily. Women are caddy, braggy and unrealistic. Jessica isn't like that. We're at the same life stage with kids the same age (Cami, 4 and Vienna only five months younger; Oliver was born 3 or so months before Emily). I could complain about problems, cry when things were hard and cheer when things were awesome and I felt like she was with me in like a real sister/friend way. Her husband got a needed,new job in Idaho and vamoose, just like that no more play-dates, girl's nights or game nights (though they be few thanks to new babies). As 2015 closes, it bums me out that she's so far away.  I went three years without a good girlfriend and it's not likely to happen again anytime soon. Cami misses Vienna and I miss Jessica so much!

9. Colbin:  Zooming out beyond our immediate family; there wasn't a lot of big changes. No weddings and this year no one dear/close passed away.
In the Hunt/Larsen family we only had one big change besides Emily. Heather and Josh had baby boy Colbin in July, only a few short months after Emily. He's a cute little boy and smiles all the time. He's a perfect addition to the family.








Whew, talk about roller coaster. 2015 felt defining to me in the different parts of my life. I feel burned out and exhausted, but I hope it's because 2016 will be stronger and better.
I'll close this chapter of our lives and flip over to something new with an idea that if I want change in my life and in who I am, I need to be that change.

When babies don't sleep.

After a long night with Emily (she didn't fall asleep until midnight)  and a week long cough, we hit up the doctor this morning.
My niece and my babysitter's kid recently had ear infections and Emily was showing some of the symptoms.
Surprise surprise, an ear infection.

When's my sleepy, happy baby coming back?

British Hugs Heal

This post is another dream post. I remember so many of them l lately and I believe in dreams. I believe that sometimes they don't many anything, other times they can guide you, and rarely (for me) they can give you what you need.
To say things have been stressful the last six weeks would be a severe understatement. I've been working a ton of overtime and a lot of appointments for the girls and me. It's been expensive, time consuming and so frustrating. I've felt burned out, depressed and full of anxiety.
In the dream I was at my family Thanksgiving party. We sat down for dinner and Emily started to get really cranky.
I knew she want feeling good, so I took her to the office and rocked her until she fell asleep. I put her in the pack and play and hung out in the chair to watch over her.
A soft knock plays on the mostly closed door, but before I can open it all the way- in walks the lead singer from The Struts.
He's not wearing his usual glam rock gear, just a band T-shirt and jeans.
"I just got off the plane, the manager let us leave early. I came first thing."
I'm stumbling over words, mostly asking, "What are you doing here?"
He grabs my shoulders carefully and quietly wraps his arms around me in a hug that wraps criss cross from my shoulders to the middle of my back.
In that moment, I feel free and weightless. He picked up all the pain, hurt, stress and sadness with his arms.
As all good dreams tend to end, my alarm sounded.
I can't stop thinking about the dream. I wish I could live it.  It was perfect and everything I need. I imagine it's how you would feel when you are complete.