2018 Hopes, Goals, and Predictions

Every year I like to reflect on the past year in a list with photos. I try to be accurate and real about what life for our family looks like every year in highlights. At the beginning of the year I try to see what the next year will hold for my family. They aren't necessarily resolutions because they aren't things that require a year of commitment. Many years these predictions and hopes are easy because they are things Dave and I have planned or spoke about. This year my list starts a little different.

1. Be Awkward: Okay, that's not really what I mean, but it makes you laugh right? 2017 meant big changes in my social and community outlook. I'm home more and around the neighborhood more. In society and/or my neighborhood, you avoid talking with people you know at the grocery store or around town. I'm guilty of running down the next aisle or looking fast at my phone instead of waving or saying "hi". This year I want to face the awkward encounters at public places. I will embrace it and be friendly. My dad was a master at this. When I was a kid/high school, I was so embarrassed and would tug on him to leave the store. Alongside the embarrassment, I remember him looking cashiers in the eye and asking them about their families. I saw their faces and what it meant to be recognized beyond their job. I want to see people for who they are, step outside of myself. Every once in a while, this tumbler gets passed around and this year I'm inspired by it. So what if I'm awkward and I don't know what to say. 

2.Edits and Inquiries: Last year I finished my book. You know that super hero, super nerdy book mimicking Lost and Heroes? I will finish edits this year and hopefully send out some inquiries to some editors. I would love to get published and I have a long road to go from here full of rejection, but I will stay the course and do everything I can to achieve this dream. I don't know if it will actually get published this year. Editor review, contracts, and all that jazz. To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure I know where to go with it after I'm done editing. Yay for learning.

3. Write: I have ideas for two more books and a possible sequel to the previous book in my head. I will not finish another book. I know my process takes longer than the average writer, but little by little I'm improving and getting better at writing. I hope to start another book this year..

4. Run: Maybe. This year may grant me some extra time. I would love to get back into running and do another half marathon. Now I don't know if I'll do a half this year, but I would love to get back into running again in the fall. 

5. Preschool for Emily: I can't believe I am writing this. My baby will be in preschool this fall. It feels so weird. I don't really know what that will look like for her. Emily has so much energy and imagination. I'm not sure how she will respond to the structure and focus on letters, numbers, and colors. She doesn't have the interest in those things that Cami did.

6. No More Diapers: Emily can do it this year, right? I feel like she is so close to catching on to it, if she can find the right motivation. Even now, with limited motivation from us, she occassionally uses the potty. She'll catch it this year. I think she has to for pre-school...

7. Toddler Bed: Emily has a lot of big changes this year. I imagine about the time we start really tackling potty training, we'll move her into a toddler bed. I have a feeling we won't get as lucky as we did with Cami on this one. I hope the transition goes well. We're still a few months away, so it's hard to say at this point what it will look like. Experience says my little hurricane may not understand the containment of bedtime. 

8. 1st Grade: Cami starts first grade this fall. That's another weird thing to think about. She'll be gone at school all day long (*cheers*). Kindergarten is only 2.5 hours, so I'm excited to think of her really launching into her education. In addition to kindergarten, she may be starting the ALPS program through the district (Advanced Learning Program). If she passes their exams, she'll go to an accelerated school with focus on STEM  and hands on learning. She's a smart girl and I'm not worried about her. Really, either way it works. I want the best education for her, if that is in her current school or through ALPS, I'm confident she'll do the best she can.

9. Swimming: We took a break with Cami's swim lessons during school. Honestly, it's good because who knew that school would take so much of my, I mean her time. ;)  Emily turns 3 in April and then she will be able to take swimming lessons too. I think this summer we'll start both kids in swimming lessons. It will be so great for both of them. Cami really needs to find a way to be comfortable in the water and with water on her face. It might take a few years for her to be comfortable.

10. Fenced In: We've been in our house for just about six years and this is the year we're going to finally put in a fence (hopefully). We don't have the greatest next door neighbors. I think we'll probably end up springing for it on our own. I hope the fence helps reduce the noise from their side of the property too. We're the corner lot, so our bedroom window faces their garage. Every party, coming, going, and stalling sounds like it's in our bedroom. The fence will help that, right? Let me dream.

11. Dave Active: Dave has been really sticking to this workout thing with Shaun T/T25. He does two workouts these days instead of running. The air quality is horrible and running in the ice could be painful and disastrous. He's really dedicated to this program. It's good to see him feel better and be healthier. I see him continuing this. His self motivation exceeds my own this year. :D

12. Dave Work: Dave will work in his current position for a few more months. After that he goes back to a Help Desk Supervisor-type job for businesses. One thing I see with Dave is his constant search for exceeding in his career and knowledge. At this point, he probably doesn't see much changing, but I am sure he'll find some class or some job to expand his experience and knowledge. I love how hard it works to do better. 

2017: An Unexpected Year of Greatness

This year turned out very different than I expected. I can be a pretty negative person. It's easy for me to see the bad and hard things. I really wanted to be happier this year. A part of me never thought that would happen. I’ve spent a lot of years stressed out, depressed, and sad. At the end of 2016, I felt so defeated and at the end of my wits.  I needed 2017 to be better. Here I am at the end of 2017 and I feel legitimate joy. It’s been a year of ups and downs like every year, but there have been so many more ups than I cold have hoped for my family.

My home away from home for four years.

1. Quitting Time: I quit my job in September. The needs of my family and the stress of day-to-day life changed things pretty fast. It was a really scary move to go from two full-time incomes to one. Money gives me legit anxiety.  Even with two incomes, I would freak out if we spent more than $100 a week. Financially, it’s tighter, but not as bad as we expected. I wish I quit sooner. I stay home with Cami and Emily full time. It’s still work (UNPAID), but it’s given me peace of mind. The stress dropped from chaos level, to almost nothing. I can focus on the girls needs and not worry about using all my time off. I can do the things that bring me joy as a person. It’s been a really wonderful experience and I would never trade it for a lottery. There are things that matter more than money.

Legit happiness. 

2. Drugs: Remember that introduction section just a second ago about being sad and crazy? This year I faced it. I talked to my mom and checked out my family history. I'm not the first or the last in my family to face this. I went to my doctor in the Spring. It was time to try something else besides freaking out and crying in the shower. Two weeks a month I take anti-depressants. It’s literally the best choice I have made this year. I struggled with the choice because it felt like a weakness. Like once I start taking it, they will define and change me. They didn’t do any of that. If anything it was the opposite, it allowed me to come out of the dark shell and be me again. The hard, crazy things are manageable and I don’t hate my life. Medication isn’t for everyone, but it’s right for me right now.

Only two of them, the third is much larger

3. Book Club Love: I joined three book clubs this year. The main reason is because I love talking about books a lot. They kind of landed in my lap. My neighborhood church group started one, a coworker invited me to her church group’s book club, and a friend’s book club. I’ve only been twice, but it’s everything I hoped it would be. I don’t know if I will be able to do all three long term. It’s nice to find people who like the same things and connect of a book in common, a great way to gain friends without pressure. 

Every POV so far. Editing is rough, yo.

4. I Wrote a Book: Well, I finished it at least. The book has been in process for  12 years. A lot of writers will say to never publish it. They say that a book that takes that long probably isn’t worth it. I finished it though. With a lot of help from encouraging podcasts (Writing Excuses & The Dead Author’s Society),I did it. It’s still in a VERY rough draft stage with LOTS of filling in. I am almost half way through the edits right now. It feels so good to finish something that I've wanted and worked for. 

Josh (Dave's kind-of boss), Dave, and
some people from work that I don't know very well.

5.   Dave’s Career: Dave has applied for a Manager On Deck position three times. This year was his year to get what he’s been working for. It’s not a position that comes with a financial bump and it’s been a lot of work with long hours and responsibilities. The job is really great for his experience, education, and resumes building. He has really enjoyed the job. Verizon has been really good for Dave.

Isn't he handsome?

6. Healthy Dave: Dave will probably feel embarrassed by this part, but it’s more important to me than it seems on the surface. When Dave and I started dating, Dave was really active and consistent with his workouts. When we had kids, he put aside taking care of himself to be a dad. When I quit my job, Dave gained some time in the morning to focus on his health. He immediately started running again and also does T25 (a full hour of activity). He feels better than he has (in years probably). I want to keep him around for a while, so this increased activity and focus on health is an important part for the last couple of months.

Some of our favorite party games.

7. Board Games: Who includes board games in their year summary? I do. We love games! It's one of our favorite past times. Dave and I embraced our inner-game nerds. We bought quite a few games this year including Santorini, Pandemic Year One, Ultimate Werewolf, and Code Names. As long as Dave loses, we all win, and it’s great. ;) We just bought an expansion for Sheriff of Nottingham too (the normal game only plays 4-5 people and we often play games with two other couples). For Christmas we also received Betrayal at the House on the Hill and two expansions for One Night Ultimate Werewolf. Our New Year's Eve party always surrounds games. I'm so excited to play some new ones and enjoy some older ones with friends. 

Obviously not my real community.

8. Community: One of my favorite things about 2017 was building community. I like our neighborhood and church group a lot. I put out some roots this year. Set up more playdates for Cami, spent time walking with fellow moms to/from school, making friends, going to events (even if it seemed lame or I felt “tired”). Building community is something that was easier before cell-phones and social networking. It takes a village to raise children in this world and keep your own sanity. Building community brought new friends for my kids AND ME.

The first day ever of swimming.
Before the teacher made her put her
head underwater.

9. Cami Swims: Cami started swimming lessons in the summer. While she practiced basics, I spent the time stopping Emily from jumping into the pool (that girl has a death wish). We only took two classes before school started, but it was a good beginning experience to conquer her fear of the water. She struggles still with her face in the water, but we’re getting there.

Cute smiles

10. Kindergarten: This year was my first experience with public school as a parent. It’s different than I expected. Cami has a certain love of words and numbers.It's been interesting because of her interests. Kindergarten curriculum is about learning letters and sounds. Cami reads books. Her teacher has had a hard time adjusting the school work. The only real difference is in the books she sends home with Cami. Cami likes school most of the time. ;)

Smiling was not happening the day it happened

11. Broken Arm: Cami broke her arm this summer while playing on the swings. A push to high and she fell right out of her seat. The break was a buccal fracture in both her radius and her ulna by her wrist. Traumatizing for all involved. Dave and I have never broken a bone, so we were seriously out of our league with the Instacare visit and taking care of her.

Obviously not going potty here.
I'm not THAT mom.

12. Em and the Potty: After I quit, I also started potty-training Emily. Diapers were the most expensive part of living expenses so it was the most logical place to cut a financial corner. It’s been a rough road and we aren’t through the woods yet. She has good days and bad days. It’s okay, she’s only two and I feel like she’ll get it in the next few months.  We will give another big try next month. She’s catching on a little at a time. Hopefully soon we can toss diapers altogether. 

This is her face right after she causes
immense trouble.

13. Emily: Our youngest and last child turned two this year and it shows. We like to call her our adorable hurricane. She's very active and moves fast. She’s really great figuring out what she wants and how to get it. She talks up a storm and loves playing with Cami. Her favorite toys right now are PJ Masks, dolls, princesses, and ponies. The conversations she creates are adorable, “Hi, Cinderella. How are you?” “Good, how are you?” “Good, let’s go to sleep.”:D

The majority of the Tate family
crammed in an SUV for a hike.

Dave's family (EVERYONE)

14. Family Vacations: This year I feel like we did the impossible. Dave’s family (Hunt & Larsen) and my family had big vacations this year within two weeks of each other. Dave’s family was in St. George and my family was at Bear Lake. Both vacations turned out perfect. For me, it’s scary to go to vacations. It’s stressful and can bring issues (good and bad) up to the front. There was none! It was so wonderful to spend time with all of our families this summer. I came away from both wishing that we could do that every year.

15.    

Surprising Bonus from a Skip Step

Sometimes when I'm walking downstairs I miss a step. You know that moment when your foot skims a step and you feel like you are going to die. I may be 30 years old and in decent health, but missing a step makes your life flash before your eyes and for a second you think, "This is how I go."

A month ago I made a huge, purposeful skip step in my life.  I quit my job to stay home, to be....a stay at home mom. The choice was a long time coming and quite a few things lined up that both forced and made it possible. This post is not about those things. 

I had a few expectations that came from quitting: organization, cleaner house, less madness and peace of mind. I found something that I didn't expect and something so priceless. I would never trade this outcome for a million dollars.

Cami, my oldest, is different. Many posts talk about her differences from other children in practically every way.  She doesn't show love in the typical child way.  Even as a baby, she would rather kick her legs on the couch or floor than cuddled. When she was in her toddler years, she didn't say 'I love you' often and hugs were rare. 

Within the first week home, I noticed a change in Cami. In one week, she came up to me 3 times for a hug (and not because she was hurt or sad). As a mom who worked so hard for her the last five years (almost six), that expression is something I've missed her whole life. A hug can say so much more than words.  

I didn't expect or plan on hugs, but it's better than all the money in the world.

The challenges create blessings

A long time ago my older brother gave me the best advice of my life, "If you are doing everything you can, you will not be denied any of the blessings/promises."

I shared this thought at church the other day-not really seeing it and saying it more as a reminder and comforting statement.

I'm beginning to see it.

Cameron, my hardest baby and the most stubborn kid in the world. Her firm attitude is not just for what she wants to do, eat or sit. Since her first day in nursery, she has loved church. She practically counts down the days each week. Every week that I've struggled, she is there with those bright eyes asking me if we were going to church. 

When I feel alone in my choices and desires, she's been there to carry my resolve and push me.

I've tried to introduce more of the gospel in our home and there is no resistance from Cami. She embraces it as though these principles have always been there. 

She was once my biggest challenge, the biggest fight-and now she's my blessing. 

Swim

Let's be real, sometimes things are really hard.  Sometimes little things mean the world or feels like the end of it.
Today has been really hard.  I'm not going to whine and complain about the things I struggle with.  I want to talk about the power of music.
I usually listen to podcasts at work.  If you told me five or ten years ago that I would be listening to psuedo talk radio for entertainment at work,  I would have laughed for days.  These podcasts are in no way depressing ; they are an odd collection of stories from history,  writing tips, movie reviews and audio books.
This week felt hard due to my unlisted frustrations. Twice I turned on "Pandora" at work and in less than 20 minutes,  I felt better.
One artist speaks to me more than others:Andrew McMahon.  He has a few different music projects and every one has at least one song that has held my crazy brain together.
There's "Cecilia and the Satellite" that shield to me on multiple levels as a parent and as someone s kid.
Today's song I've heard probably a hundred times from his band,  Jack's Mannequin-Swim.   It's so perfect for today.  The lyric that stuck out at grabbed my ears forcefull was "you gotta swim and swim when it hurts.... you haven't come this far too fall off the earth. "
Sometimes life isn't like stupid happy mom blogs or picture perfect moments.  Sometimes it's drifting and you are swimming to stay afloat.  In those moments, you may find what you need in a tune or a lyric.
Thanks, Andrew McMahon. Ill swim today.

Worth it moment

Yesterday was a hard day. Full time working mom with young kids burns me out.  Thursdays can be especially bad.  Emily has been teething and Cami is in full defiant,  not-listening mode.  I even sent her to time out.
Twenty minutes after bed time,  Cali
Cami starts yelling.
As usual,  her blankets are "all scrumpous".
While I'm pulling her blankets tight around her she keeps talking.
"I feel better now , mommy"
"I'm glad.  I'm sorry you had a hard time today. " I say,  thinking of the screaming, telling and 'I'm not doing that'.
"Tomorrow I can try to do better. " It's said perfectly ,  with no hesitation. "I will listen to grandma. " (she's going to my mom's for the weekend today).
I say something totally out of a book, "It's true tomorrow is a new day. "
After spending the afternoon in frustrated tears,  I needed to hear my own advice too. One day at a time.

Dreaming of sweet 2016

Here we are 40 days into 2016 and I haven't posted my predictions or anticipations for the year.
I ended 2015 feeling depressed, burned out and incredibly lonely. I'd like to say 2016 will be great; full of happiness and excitement- but you know, life happens.
It will hold wonderful moments , but it will be challenging.

1. Alternating Schedules: Three weeks ago Dave started a new schedule.  As a result of poor  management decisions and lay offs, he works 11am-830pm with Tuesday/Wednesday off. He gets home 20 min after the kids are in bed. Aka 3 days a week work 8 hrs making money and 6 hours trying to minimize stress, crying and life of both girls and 2 days a week I shuffle the kids through church and Saturday clean up.  By the time Dave gets home, I am nearly sleeping on the couch. Goodbye date nights out even time to watch a show together. Its awful, lonely and exhausting.
2. Preschool: Dave is taking advantage of the extra time in the morning to get Cami involved at a local preschool. She LOVES preschool. She is great with letters and numbers already, but preschool will help with structure and to help her grow. By the end of the year, she will learn so much. I hope to get her involved in some sport too. She's getting so big! 😢
3. Walking and Talking: Emily is right on target for gross motor development. She's been crawling for a while and pulls herself into standing on a few reachable furniture. She's on her way to walking very soon. She's a happy baby and doesn't say much that I can understand right now, but by the end of the year she will have some vocabulary.
4. Less one doctor, plus one: Another big  development is the removal of her helmet forever. We finally completed the helmet/shaping process. It was hard, but it was worth it. Her ratios are normal and all looks well as far as the shape off her head. I've gotten used to comments and questions about the helmet, none of which are hurtful or accusing. It's wonderful to see a much happier, albeit clumsier baby.
This year also holds a small surgery fur baby girl. The muscles in her left eyelid are loose and after her first birthday, we've got a surgery scheduled to tighten the muscles so as to not interfere with her vision in the future.
5. Genetics: Healthcare with isn't in my blood, but genetics feels like home. My job as a Genetics Patient Advocate will have ups and downs, but I don't see any big changes, promotions or layoffs in my future. I made a positive impact in the territory I work along Genetic Counselors last year and it will continue to grow. I love working with them and I love making a difference everyday.
6. Finish It: 2015 was an inspiration. I started listening to writing podcasts at work and I finished my dad's book. It's my turn. Last month I finished Part 1 of my book with four more plot lines to go. It's very rough writing, but I'm going to finish it this year-at least a draft.
7. Werk it: There have been a few years where I make goals of running races or losing "X" pounds. This year I'm not making any goals I can't guarantee. With a second kid not quite at full mobility, who is both super clumsy and cuddly; I'm not going to have the time or energy to devote to getting fit. Instead this year, I will be more active. It's a vague, but achievable goal through walks, work out programs and playing with the kids. I want my time to be valuable.
8. Extended Family: Early this year Dave's sister and brother welcomed two babies into their individual families. Stacey and Derek welcomed baby boy Beckett in January and a few weeks later Jeff and Leslie brought baby girl Isla into the family. Dave's family is growing exponentially every year, but my side will remain pretty static this year unless my baby brother makes some big plans.

This year looks boring on paper filled with the same things from past years on repeat. 2016 started on an uphill battle, let's hope we reach some great heights and catch some  breaks in our challenges.

2015 Wrap Up

2015 is about to fad away into a new year and I'm feeling delighted. This year feels like such a roller coaster.  I started out the year with high hopes and big expectations and that's always a dangerous thing to do in a new year.  Instead, 1015 was a rough year for me. I wouldn't say that our family has had anything truly awful happen. It's been no 2012, but it still felt really difficult. It's been a busy year with changes and new challenges. There weren't very many changes, but the ones we had were huge.
Without getting too fluffy, I'll get right into the list and pictures because who really cares about anything else anyway.

1. Emily: Let's start with the most obvious change of 2015. Oh hey, I had a second baby. This time last year we were convinced baby girl was going to named "Julie", but about two weeks before her birth, Emily jumped out at us.
Emily has been a wonderful addition to our family and I'm not just saying that. From day one, she's been the easiest baby.  She nursed really well for about five months. She's calm, happy and I swear her smile could melt a snowman.
Despite her great traits, she is a baby and babies have their own challenges like getting up at night and needing something (diaper change, feeding, playtime) every hour.
These days she's bouncing on her hands and knees and I know we're only few weeks away from crawling.

2. Dreams & Facts: This year I finished my dad's book. I've been working on it since shortly after his death and I finally finished it (that's about three years, people).  I really got into this year. While I was on Maternity Leave, during nap times and shoved in short periods after church I was able to get the majority of it done.
The book is a collection of personal essays, fictional works and a photo history of my dad's life. At 384 pages, it resembles almost a text book, but it was worth every hour and every penny that I put into the book.
The main reason I put it together was for my girls. My daughters will never know my dad and that makes me so crazy sad because of how awesome and amazing my dad was, especially with his kids and grandkids. As unfair as his passing was, this book represents a piece of him and his life. It's something that Cami enjoys now, if only for the pictures. Someday when things are hard for her (God forbid that ever happens), I hope she can flip open this book and have some wisdom or laughs from Grandpa Tate.

3. Genetics:  This year I got a promotion at Myriad. I've been there for about two years and I thought I might try for one this year. It helped that the hiring supervisor was one of my friends and I shared an office with her when I started.
Instead of my previous role and Patient Advocate, I'm a Genetics Patient Advocate (stand up, it's not really worth kneeling over). It's nearly the same job, but instead of working the oncology side of the testing, I'm working only with Genetic Counselors.
It's been such a good move for me. I have specific territories that I'm responsible for (Virginia and North Carolina are my big ones) and I work with the same Genetic Counselors in that area to to get insurance coverage for the genetic tests they order. I love my territory and the majority of the providers I work with are fantastic.
Yesterday I had a big moment when a test I worked really hard on completed in a short time frame in time for a patient's surgery. I called the provider and I said, "Martha, I feel like I could cry. Her test is done." I love being able to have that kind of working relationship that I can say things like that, mean it, and feel like I'm making a difference. I love my job!

4. Cam Balam:  Cami has been so awesome this year! We didn't get her into pre-school, but I'm not really worried about it. Her birthday is later in the year and I've pre-registered her for an online pre-school that my friend recommended.
The biggest thing for Cami this year is potty training.
It almost killed me. Remember this post? Real life, potty training head strong children is like a power struggle with and elephant crossed with a war general, but she did it. In the post I shared all of the tips that worked for Cami, but really it wasn't me. Cami took that and handled it. It took some time but she's got it really well, including overnight (which let's be real, I don't think I had it down until I was like six over night).
She's becoming a little girl this year. Cami loves Disney princesses, she had an especially long stint watching Snow White. Oh man, and she's the best big sister. This morning I heard Emily and as soon as I open the door I see Cami perched up on the crib, talking to Emily. There's an obvious age gap between them, but they're still so cute together.

5. Training Dave:  If only I could. I've been wanting to write that down our whole marriage (Wocka Wocka Wocka).
Okay, but really, almost Dave's entire year was spent training New Hires at work. It's been kind of nice for me because his hours are more normal and I love having him home (the girls love it more than I do).
He's implemented some new procedures at work and he's starting to see some results in the employees.
Doing all of this training kind of screwed him over in some areas, but Dave always takes it in stride.

6. Doctors: Since Emily was in the womb, she had us bouncing around. When I was pregnant, the ultrasound found cysts. After she was born, she had a flat spot on her head, which didn't seem to get better even after we did all the parenting stuff pediatricians say (rotate your baby, tickle their chins, tummy time until they throw up). Okay so that last one was an exaggeration.
We brought it up to  the pediatrician three different times before a different one said, "Hey, that's a pretty flat spot. Go see a plastic surgeon."
Okay because boobs and baby head shapes are the same?
We then went from plastic surgeon to a prosthetic surgeon who prescribed little Emily with a helmet just shy of her turning eight months.
I was scared poop-less about the helmet. I worried about her becoming delayed in her gross motor skills. I worried people would say I was a bad parent and that I didn't do enough for my children. Now, it's not a big deal. The helmet is for Emily and she doesn't mind it at all (anymore). We're still seeing doctors way too often for me.

7. Repairs: The beginning of this year brought some unexpected issues with our house. Yay for home-ownership. We only anticipated one house project this year, but we went above our goals and completed two big projects.
We started with fixing the electrical in the basement. At the beginning of 2015 a plug sparked and burned the plate so this was moved to the top of our priorities because you know, we don't want to burn our house down.
In the summer we deliberated far too long about sprinklers. It was either going to require a ton of hard, manual labor or a lot more money than we anticipated. Late July we bit the bullet and a company fixed our sprinklers in the front yard and put some in the backyard. Like I just said, it was more expensive than we anticipated, but our lives were so busy with a new baby and new responsibilities that there was no way any of us had time to hand water the yard.
It's nice to have those big house projects out of the way. The only big house project we have in our future is a fence and that's an expense that's probably at least two years away.

8. Best Friends Move On: This year Cami's best friend, Emily's future boyfriend and my best friend, who lived in our ward and neighborhood moved to Idaho. I hate it. Jessica and I would never have met if it weren't for a stressful babysitting situation. She helped with Cami when my babysitter was out for a few months. During that time we became friends. Maybe I didn't mean that much to her, but let's be real for a minute. I don't make girl friends easily. Women are caddy, braggy and unrealistic. Jessica isn't like that. We're at the same life stage with kids the same age (Cami, 4 and Vienna only five months younger; Oliver was born 3 or so months before Emily). I could complain about problems, cry when things were hard and cheer when things were awesome and I felt like she was with me in like a real sister/friend way. Her husband got a needed,new job in Idaho and vamoose, just like that no more play-dates, girl's nights or game nights (though they be few thanks to new babies). As 2015 closes, it bums me out that she's so far away.  I went three years without a good girlfriend and it's not likely to happen again anytime soon. Cami misses Vienna and I miss Jessica so much!

9. Colbin:  Zooming out beyond our immediate family; there wasn't a lot of big changes. No weddings and this year no one dear/close passed away.
In the Hunt/Larsen family we only had one big change besides Emily. Heather and Josh had baby boy Colbin in July, only a few short months after Emily. He's a cute little boy and smiles all the time. He's a perfect addition to the family.








Whew, talk about roller coaster. 2015 felt defining to me in the different parts of my life. I feel burned out and exhausted, but I hope it's because 2016 will be stronger and better.
I'll close this chapter of our lives and flip over to something new with an idea that if I want change in my life and in who I am, I need to be that change.

When babies don't sleep.

After a long night with Emily (she didn't fall asleep until midnight)  and a week long cough, we hit up the doctor this morning.
My niece and my babysitter's kid recently had ear infections and Emily was showing some of the symptoms.
Surprise surprise, an ear infection.

When's my sleepy, happy baby coming back?

My dad hangs loose

When my dad passed away three years ago I wanted to make a difference and I wanted a way for my children to get to know him in a way. I just finished this massive book project with pictures, articles, stories and other things he created.  The thing I miss the most is his stories. I wish I could remember more of them. So I'm tossing this one into the world of the internet because it's my favorite.

When my dad was little he moved around a ton. His parents were divorced and his dad was int he military. When he lived with his dad in the summers and around holidays, it was usually near military bases.

When he was around eight or nine, he lived in San Diego.  He had a few friends in the neighborhood, Army Brats like he was, and they lived by a military dump of some sort.

This place was like heaven to my dad and his friends. They were eager to explore and some of the dumped poles jutted from the trash piles in odd angled that would be so great for hanging.

My grandpa wasn't stupid. He knew my dad and he knew that kids would be kids and they would probably go right for the stuff at the dump. Before he went to work my grandpa pulled my dad aside and specifically told him to not play in the dump. There were a lot of things that could hurt him.

My dad played like he was listening, but like most kids, he ran there as soon as his dad left for work.

The dump was like an old boat graveyard, with long poles and hooks all around that made for great playing. They would climb aboard and pretend like they were captains or seamen.

At one point, my dad got brave and started climbing along one of the poles. He stood on the edge and probably let out a Tarzan yell or something and he felt his feet slip.  He was pretty high in the air on the pole and grasped desperately in the air for something to catch him.  

There were two hooks along the pole, probably for hoisting ropes or sails. That day, they did an extra job and caught my dad by his wrist.  

So there he was hanging by his wrists to this pole in a boat dump.  His little brother was with him and immediately ran for help.

My dad described it so terrifying, hanging there by his wrists, which sounds pretty painful and not quite sure what was going to happen.

At that very moment, his dad rushed from work and while driving home he saw my dad hanging there from the freeway. 

My grandpa rescued him and he had to get stitches on both of his wrists. My dad used to show me his wrists with their matching scars as an illustration to always listen to your parents. They know what's going on and they know how to keep you safe. 

I usually share this story in church because of the multiple meanings from this story. It's really so relatable.  

As a parent now, I get it even more. Dave and I are like crazy people with our girls.  Emily is starting to learn to sit on her own, but she will never sit alone for many months because we always put ourselves ready to catch her.  Cami is wild and loves to run and play, "Not too fast, Cami, I don't want you to fall."  

There's this great song that plays on the radio these days called, "Cecilia and the Satellite".  The artist wrote the song for his daughter to explain the bridge from life before her to life after her birth. There's this line that always gets me as a child about my parents and as a parent of children, "I'd keep you safe. I'd keep you dry. Don't be afraicd, Cecilia, I'm the satellite."  

I'm a Reindeer

It seems like every little girl loves Frozen. While I am sure there are exceptions, Cami is part of the majority and as such there are many deep conversations about Frozen including this number with Dave.

Cami: This, this is my little sister
Dave:  That's right. If you were Elsa then Emily would be Anna
Cami: Yeah! And daddy can be Kristoff  and-and-and Mommy can be Sven.

Potty training stubborn kids, aka my worst nightmare

When potty training Cami, we read fifty articles/books etc. On potty training but none of them truly helped the process and I swore that I would write a book, a real book about the truth of potty training a stubborn child. None of that fluffy 'no big deal' or 'you can do it' crap.
Potty training a stubborn kid is not a walk in the park, it won't be done in a weekend or even a week. A stubborn personality will need a stronger personality to complete potty training. It is a battle every time your kid needs to pee or poop.
So this isn't a book, but it's now in a physical form to retain for centuries although I doubt my blog is well read enough.
1. Every kid is different. This cannot be said enough, yet every time I hear it, I disregard it. Wouldn't it be lovely if all kids were little carbon copies.
I had three different people swear by the three day method at two and three years old. We pushed it to three because Cami was a little delayed and after four days she didn't have a single success. Scratch that wonderful three day method.
2. Motivators are not always going to cut it. Cami's three years taught me this a long time ago. She did things when she wanted: walking, talking, sleeping and nothing would motivate her externally.
Potty treats are a popular trope among like 90% of parents. Well we tried everything from m&ms, to oreos, to toys. We finally just committed to m&ms but it still didn't motivate her. I think rewards are still valuable, but Cami just considered it to be extra in the end.
3. Sometimes it takes time....a really looking time. After trying the three day method three separate times over a year, we hunkered down and said we're going to get this finished while I'm on maternity leave (which goes against all parenting books and blah blah blah). But on day two we had a success. I cried, I was so happy. It took two weeks to finally have a good grasp. Two very long, laundry filled weeks. (And zero successes with number 2).
4. Regressions are real and okay. That's right, I said regressions-plural. Many regressions. Don't get mad. It will be okay.
5. Number 2 is super complicated. Cam took a really long time to get number 2 under control. She needed confidence and some prune juice. We also had to instigate quite the routine following a poop accident including: cleaning it up, putting it in the washer, shower and no frozen jammies/underwear.  There was a big potty rewards for poop: ice cream. Cami and I even made a chart to show consequences. It still took a long time.
6. Potty training is bit a reflection of your parenting. I think this is hard to remember in all factions of parenthood. Kids are kids and their choices are just that THEIR CHOICES. As parents, we do our best to teach and show them the right way and it's up to them how they take and use that information. In Cami's case she took that information and needed to process it mentally and physically before she actually used it, but that was her choice and related to her growth not my parenting skills. It's hard to remember when so many people tell you their studies as if they're the experts and their children are potty trained because of them. Punch these people in the mouth because each kid is different and it's about their understanding and growth, nothing to do with parenting (*steps off soap box*).
7. It won't anyways be like this. This is my motto whenever parenting gets hard. My mom famously says, "no kid went on their honeymoon in diapers".  Stubborn kids need a lot more time and patience, but it will happen.
Parents of stubborn children, gear up and be strong. You got this and I have your back!

The definition of "willful"

I don't know if any of you in the blog-verse has met my daughter, but let me tell you of her stubborn/strong-willed nature.
Although I can't prove it, I knew she was willful from birth. Child birth from start to finish was about 16 hrs including a 2.5 hrs of pushing (tmi sorry). She was pretty content to stay inside my belly forever.
Babies don't have vocabulary, but Cami always knew what she wanted and she let you know if you weren't helping her out...sometimes for extended periods of time until you did what she wanted, whether it was walking her around the apartment or pointing her to the window.
These days she has the words and a new sense of independence to go with it.
A few days ago her bath time routine became her personal mandate.
After said bath, the water drained down the tub as usual, while she held back her toys from "getting sucked in". After all the water has drained, I ask her four times to get out under the threat of time out. She does not respond.
I grab her by her arms and yank her out of the tub and the tantrum ensues with screaming, " Cami will do it!"
I remain consistent in my responses regarding not listening and getting out, while fighting to get her dressed. After 20 minutes if yelling/screaming/pulling her clothes off we start in time out and end up with her in her bedroom (butt naked) on her bed.
Then I practice the waiting game so she can calm down and be dressed appropriately for bed.
Surprisingly, it doesn't take long. I open her door and turn on the lights. Like a naked, midget ninja; she blurs passed me into the bathroom and into the empty bathtub and immediately jumps out.
After 20 minutes she was still going to get out of the bathtub by herself. She's going to be the death of me.

Results

I really tried to think of something clever to put as the title, but I just don't have it in me today.
Results came back almost two weeks ago for my baby girl's choroid plexus cysts. The results were NEGATIVE, which means no genetic defect and the cysts will either go away on their own or will not affect her growth/development.
With these results and Christmas right around the corner, I looked around me and my life a few nights ago.
For the first time in my entire life I feel truly happy and content.
It's a new feeling to me, I've spent so much of my life pushing and ready for the next step (i.e. degree, marriage, family, church stuff, debt free, etc.). To say it's nice to settle into life is the biggest understatement ever! It's like my heart wants to jump out of my body and give everyone a big hug.
My life isn't perfect and a lot of times each day has it's own challenges. Some days are harder than others, but along with that, some days are really great.
Really, I am in a good place: I have a wonderful family, married to my best friend (still my best friend) and a silly three-year-old.  I have a nice house that's perfect for our family in every way.   Dave and I both have fully functioning cars and good jobs to provide for our family's needs.
Right now I would not change a thing.
I don't want a new house. I'll take our weird house with it's weird electrical and never-ending projects.
I  am happy with our cars, despite their "well-loved" exterior (that's probably just my car) and high mileage, because they keep us safe without a car payment and without too much maintenance (outside of the debacle a couple of months ago).
I'll take Dave and Cam any day and everyday over anyone and everything else.  They both love me through everything; past, present and future and nothing can change that. Even when I feel absolutely crazy with frustration or sadness, they both still love me and won't leave me. It's true family security, what I've been waiting for my whole life.
Who needs any new stuff this year, my inner-self/chi/etc. gives me the gift of joy and peace this year.

Plus One

Baby Number Two has been a work in progress for 10 months now, although I'm only 20 weeks along. It took five months of planning before we were truly ready to think about a second child.
So let me introduce Baby Girl Hunt #2.

We truly found out about this baby on 8/8/14 and I wrote a little entry at work about her.
It was a Friday and while cancer patient after cancer patient called me at work, all I could think about was the significance of August 8.
Two years ago on that day, cancer claimed my father. It's a day I can't forget. The images still pop up at inopportune times in movie theaters and longer drives.
Today I'm late and I'm never late.
I'm so happy. This day is already  memorable through pain and loss, but today it's different. Today it's new life and love.

Family Definitions

I wrote this post shortly after my grandpa passed away. It's something that I feel very strongly about, but it needed time for me to finish grieving and complete the process.  Today is a day for thanks  and family. It's a day to share.

10/22/2014

Family is not defined by blood.

The older I get, the more I recognize that my pedigree is really just a bunch of lines and shapes that describe genetic links.

My Grandpa Bockholt passed away recently and his passing is huge to me and I did not have a drop of his blood in my body.

He married my dad's mom after she divorced my Grandpa Tate. My dad, like many kids, spent most of his childhood with his mother and summers/occasional visits with his dad. Because of that, my dad and my Grandpa Bockholt had a lot of similarities and they even looked alike.

I am lucky to have three sets of grandparents and I'm lucky my grandma married him. Even after my grandma passed away (when I was like two) I still saw him regularly.

Like my father, my grandpa was SO happy-always laughing and joking.  He was an active grandparent, reaching out to us in the ways that fit us best.

I remember one time when I was in high school, he played video games with my little brother. My grandfather had to be in his late 70's or early 80's, working that gray Playstation controller with some familiarity.

Without such a good, happy man in my life or in this world--things seem a little more sad, like my father's passing on a smaller scale. 

I'm so grateful for his presence and influence in my father's and my life. I know my father wouldn't have been the great dad he was without him and I know that I would not push so hard in my life to provide that same kind of happiness for my family.

Joy, love and laughter create a family, not bloodlines and cards sent out once a year. 

Like I said, always smiling. Heroic.

Wrestling the Family Picture Bull

Last week we finally got around to family pictures.  Nearly two years after our last picture. Cami has burst from constantly crying baby to very independent toddler and it was time to have some memories of this period and all of her glorious Shirley Temple locks.
I knew it would be hard. Toddlers can be very hard, but Cam is generally a pretty good kid-she's pretty content and offers smiles to almost anyone.
No one told me that pictures would turn into a Running of the Bulls experience. I felt as though I were tackling a two year old and attempting to tickle a smile out. My sister-in-law took the pictures, thankfully she has more patience than any of us did that day.  She took almost 500 pictures.
More than 400 featured numbers like this:

Note the unhappy look and pulling at my head in pure disgust. Dave and I have forced smiles and tried our best to make it work out.

We did manage a few really great shots and I admit in every shot thinking, "Braces were one of the best decisions of my adult life".

The whole fam with smiles

Cami in her full beauty.

Dinner musings

Horsey needs dinner too, mom.

Toddler Bed Horror

A few months ago Dave and I started about easing Cami into a toddler bed. My heart raced and my fingers started to twitch.

She isn't an escape artist and I'm sure she would be fine in crib until she started kindergarten. Transporting the crib for family trips and getaways are very difficult and we wanted to be able to use something more portable.

Cruising around Toys R Us one very hot summer day, we went with our gut and got a cheap Mickey Mouse bed. Nothing fancy because let's be honest, my child is a giant will not be in it very long.

That night, we completed our usual routine: bath, story, song and prayer. She ran into her room; so excited for her Mickey Mouse bed and then nothing. 

We settled in for the night for a later movie, The Conjuring.  

Okay, I love scary movies but since Cami was born I'm a wuss.

I was up all night, back and forth between the scary movie scenes and images of Cami beside my bed, staring at us. All night long. No joke. It was awful.

Cami woke up at 8 and stayed in bed until we went to get her. 

Weirdly, that night was one of the longest nights of my life and it's probably due more to the movie than my child growing up or waking up. I need a chill pill.