Grief and Gratitude Go Together

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since my brother took his own life. I have a million blogs entries to write because this experience has been insanely hard and insanely wonderful. I know that doesn't make sense, but hear me out.

Today has been hard. I woke up tired despite the sunshine, the grief already stuck in my throat. It comes and goes on a whim I don't understand. I spent the day in one of Mark's plaid shirts, too large for me, and very male looking.

Right before I start typing, I open a tab for Pandora. Music always helps my mind to sort through my thoughts. The song that starts is "Unknown Soldier" by Breaking Benjamin. The chorus is close to home:

"Holding on too tight

Breathe the breath of life

So I can leave this world tonight

It only hurts just once

They're only broken bones"

Even thought today has felt sad and I can't stop smelling his shirt or his beanie, pretending his going to be so mad when he finds out we took all of his stuff. I feel so thankful for the people in his life.

I posted the announcement of his passing and his memorial, so I was the point of contact for everyone on Facebook. The spread took less than eight hours for the private messages to come pouring through.

Family: Tate and Lewis alike immediately responded to the post. They wanted to know what happened and what they could do to help. My mom's sister flew in town from Hawaii a few days later to be here for the memorial. My sister and niece flew in from Ohio to be here with them family. 

I am so grateful for my family, close and extended. My mom is very introverted and we didn't go to many family things, but they were there that night with hugs, flowers, and condolences. 

This isn't our first go with grief in my close family. In five years my father, two grandfathers, and now my brother passed away. I know my siblings and my mother handle grief very differently, but we came together and put aside everything to be there for each other in these moments. 

Marines: I won't lie to you. The Marines are my favorite response. Where family is tied through blood and constant gatherings, these men have very little attachment to me and my family. Yet, they were number two contact. I have to call out Chris McMurrin, who has been my brother from another mother over the last two weeks. He also passed my information to Staff Seargant Senese, who helped so much with setting up financial support through GoFundMe and the Utah Marines. These men contributed money of various amounts and gave my family so much support. I CAN'T imagine this process without their assistance and help. I don't think they understand even a little how much they mean to me right now. I am so grateful for the U.S. Marines. I'm grateful for their support and care for their Marine brother. 

Over 30 U.S. Marines showed up at Mark's memorial. They stood in a circle around my family, some in dress blues, some police officers, some in suits, and some in jeans. In that moment they offered their support and gave Mark a shout and a "Oorah!" In the church cultural hall, it seemed to echo in the walls, and for a minute I felt him standing with them. 

Friends: Mark's friends came flying out of the woodwork. For someone who felt so lonely, he was incredibly loved. Friends from today, high school, ex-girlfriends, elementary school. Mark often didn't feel like he belonged in our family and he found love in those friends and they showed it in their responses. I'm grateful for their responses and their help sorting out his affairs (now and the future).

I can't end this section without calling out my friends. Today hits me really hard because it's been hard. One of my sweet friends must have heard my heart hurting, she dropped cookies off while I was out running errands. My ward and neighbors have been priceless in this time. They have brought dinner, flowers, treats, and offered to help with my kids. I'm glad to be in place to know these women. I don't know what I would do without their support.

Coworkers: Mark's sweet boss, Jessica, reached out to me as well to offer her sympathy and support with the benefits at Discover. Mark enjoyed working under her because of the opportunities she gave him to grow and develop his skills. Discover provided my mom with a large basket of flowers and they day of the memorial, his entire team wore shorts in honor of him (he always wore shorts, even when it was cold and it was cold that day!) Like all of us, Mark had a love/hate relationship with his job, but I am grateful for Jessica and his wonderful coworkers. I met one young man at the memorial close to tears. He took Mark to work on Valentine's Day because Mark was having such a hard time that day. 

Various Spirits: That may be a funny thing to call out in a blog about people. I honestly wasn't planning this part. The day Mark passed away I heard him twice. Before dinner, I bustled around the kitchen and I heard him say my name from the living room. I looked in the living room, but it was empty. My mom hadn't called me and I felt sure I was "trippin". I'm pretty sure the second time was that night, but it could have been the next night-they blend together. Those first few days I had a hard time sleeping and I woke in the middle of the night and begged to know he was okay. In my head I kept thinking, "Please tell me he's at peace and he's okay."  Nothing, no feeling, no peace for me. A few minutes later I heard him say quiet with a joke in his tone, that familiar way we spoke together, "Hey."  This process has felt hard and extremely lonely, but I know that there is invisible help around me and my family. He released himself from his pain, but we are in it for a while still, left in a scramble of his stuff, bills, burial, and memories.

Recently Dave and I spoke about legacy in reference to the movie, "Interstellar". In the movie, it's implied that children carry our legacy in their memories. Mark didn't have children, but he has a different kind of legacy carried in family, friends, coworkers, and Marines. Mark's legacy lives in us and our experiences and memories with him. 

Mark's face more often than not, slight smirk with a question.

Results

I really tried to think of something clever to put as the title, but I just don't have it in me today.
Results came back almost two weeks ago for my baby girl's choroid plexus cysts. The results were NEGATIVE, which means no genetic defect and the cysts will either go away on their own or will not affect her growth/development.
With these results and Christmas right around the corner, I looked around me and my life a few nights ago.
For the first time in my entire life I feel truly happy and content.
It's a new feeling to me, I've spent so much of my life pushing and ready for the next step (i.e. degree, marriage, family, church stuff, debt free, etc.). To say it's nice to settle into life is the biggest understatement ever! It's like my heart wants to jump out of my body and give everyone a big hug.
My life isn't perfect and a lot of times each day has it's own challenges. Some days are harder than others, but along with that, some days are really great.
Really, I am in a good place: I have a wonderful family, married to my best friend (still my best friend) and a silly three-year-old.  I have a nice house that's perfect for our family in every way.   Dave and I both have fully functioning cars and good jobs to provide for our family's needs.
Right now I would not change a thing.
I don't want a new house. I'll take our weird house with it's weird electrical and never-ending projects.
I  am happy with our cars, despite their "well-loved" exterior (that's probably just my car) and high mileage, because they keep us safe without a car payment and without too much maintenance (outside of the debacle a couple of months ago).
I'll take Dave and Cam any day and everyday over anyone and everything else.  They both love me through everything; past, present and future and nothing can change that. Even when I feel absolutely crazy with frustration or sadness, they both still love me and won't leave me. It's true family security, what I've been waiting for my whole life.
Who needs any new stuff this year, my inner-self/chi/etc. gives me the gift of joy and peace this year.

Family Definitions

I wrote this post shortly after my grandpa passed away. It's something that I feel very strongly about, but it needed time for me to finish grieving and complete the process.  Today is a day for thanks  and family. It's a day to share.

10/22/2014

Family is not defined by blood.

The older I get, the more I recognize that my pedigree is really just a bunch of lines and shapes that describe genetic links.

My Grandpa Bockholt passed away recently and his passing is huge to me and I did not have a drop of his blood in my body.

He married my dad's mom after she divorced my Grandpa Tate. My dad, like many kids, spent most of his childhood with his mother and summers/occasional visits with his dad. Because of that, my dad and my Grandpa Bockholt had a lot of similarities and they even looked alike.

I am lucky to have three sets of grandparents and I'm lucky my grandma married him. Even after my grandma passed away (when I was like two) I still saw him regularly.

Like my father, my grandpa was SO happy-always laughing and joking.  He was an active grandparent, reaching out to us in the ways that fit us best.

I remember one time when I was in high school, he played video games with my little brother. My grandfather had to be in his late 70's or early 80's, working that gray Playstation controller with some familiarity.

Without such a good, happy man in my life or in this world--things seem a little more sad, like my father's passing on a smaller scale. 

I'm so grateful for his presence and influence in my father's and my life. I know my father wouldn't have been the great dad he was without him and I know that I would not push so hard in my life to provide that same kind of happiness for my family.

Joy, love and laughter create a family, not bloodlines and cards sent out once a year. 

Like I said, always smiling. Heroic.

I am different

I am different.
Most of the time I feel normal.

• I have a full time job where I do more than punch keys or stare at a computer screen.
• I am a wife. My husband is my best friend and that's more important to me than cliche' romantic gestures.
• Together we have a daughter with a strong will and a big heart. 
• We live in a nice house and neighborhood where I feel safe and comfortable.
• I am part of a great legacy of realists and dreamers, where money is minimal but love and family are pinnacle.

This is normal and these things are important, yet around me-people want more.They want a perfect yard with perfectly trimmed rosebushes, or spot free cars.  I have friends with new houses with more bathrooms than family members or friends with brand names clothes, who pay more than "$30 for this shirt".

Only then do I notice the difference. I'm happy when you are silent. When you shut up about things and share stories.  Stop talking about spend money and talk about family.  Listen to what isn't said. Listen to happy kids playing or older siblings laughing.  Or maybe live instead of buying or showing. How about being different.