Results

I really tried to think of something clever to put as the title, but I just don't have it in me today.
Results came back almost two weeks ago for my baby girl's choroid plexus cysts. The results were NEGATIVE, which means no genetic defect and the cysts will either go away on their own or will not affect her growth/development.
With these results and Christmas right around the corner, I looked around me and my life a few nights ago.
For the first time in my entire life I feel truly happy and content.
It's a new feeling to me, I've spent so much of my life pushing and ready for the next step (i.e. degree, marriage, family, church stuff, debt free, etc.). To say it's nice to settle into life is the biggest understatement ever! It's like my heart wants to jump out of my body and give everyone a big hug.
My life isn't perfect and a lot of times each day has it's own challenges. Some days are harder than others, but along with that, some days are really great.
Really, I am in a good place: I have a wonderful family, married to my best friend (still my best friend) and a silly three-year-old.  I have a nice house that's perfect for our family in every way.   Dave and I both have fully functioning cars and good jobs to provide for our family's needs.
Right now I would not change a thing.
I don't want a new house. I'll take our weird house with it's weird electrical and never-ending projects.
I  am happy with our cars, despite their "well-loved" exterior (that's probably just my car) and high mileage, because they keep us safe without a car payment and without too much maintenance (outside of the debacle a couple of months ago).
I'll take Dave and Cam any day and everyday over anyone and everything else.  They both love me through everything; past, present and future and nothing can change that. Even when I feel absolutely crazy with frustration or sadness, they both still love me and won't leave me. It's true family security, what I've been waiting for my whole life.
Who needs any new stuff this year, my inner-self/chi/etc. gives me the gift of joy and peace this year.

Plus One

Baby Number Two has been a work in progress for 10 months now, although I'm only 20 weeks along. It took five months of planning before we were truly ready to think about a second child.
So let me introduce Baby Girl Hunt #2.

We truly found out about this baby on 8/8/14 and I wrote a little entry at work about her.
It was a Friday and while cancer patient after cancer patient called me at work, all I could think about was the significance of August 8.
Two years ago on that day, cancer claimed my father. It's a day I can't forget. The images still pop up at inopportune times in movie theaters and longer drives.
Today I'm late and I'm never late.
I'm so happy. This day is already  memorable through pain and loss, but today it's different. Today it's new life and love.

Family Definitions

I wrote this post shortly after my grandpa passed away. It's something that I feel very strongly about, but it needed time for me to finish grieving and complete the process.  Today is a day for thanks  and family. It's a day to share.

10/22/2014

Family is not defined by blood.

The older I get, the more I recognize that my pedigree is really just a bunch of lines and shapes that describe genetic links.

My Grandpa Bockholt passed away recently and his passing is huge to me and I did not have a drop of his blood in my body.

He married my dad's mom after she divorced my Grandpa Tate. My dad, like many kids, spent most of his childhood with his mother and summers/occasional visits with his dad. Because of that, my dad and my Grandpa Bockholt had a lot of similarities and they even looked alike.

I am lucky to have three sets of grandparents and I'm lucky my grandma married him. Even after my grandma passed away (when I was like two) I still saw him regularly.

Like my father, my grandpa was SO happy-always laughing and joking.  He was an active grandparent, reaching out to us in the ways that fit us best.

I remember one time when I was in high school, he played video games with my little brother. My grandfather had to be in his late 70's or early 80's, working that gray Playstation controller with some familiarity.

Without such a good, happy man in my life or in this world--things seem a little more sad, like my father's passing on a smaller scale. 

I'm so grateful for his presence and influence in my father's and my life. I know my father wouldn't have been the great dad he was without him and I know that I would not push so hard in my life to provide that same kind of happiness for my family.

Joy, love and laughter create a family, not bloodlines and cards sent out once a year. 

Like I said, always smiling. Heroic.

Passing of my childhood

Celebrities are over-grieved.
Robin Williams was less a celebrity and more of friend. He shaped so much of my life.
I first met Robin Williams in my pre-kindergarten days. He had this wonderful bit on Sesame Street that would make me laugh so hard I rolled on the floor. From that moment, Robin Williams was a part of me. As I got older, I heard his voice in Alladin and saw him as a cross-dresser in Mrs. Doubtfire and as a sad grown-up little boy in Jumanji.
I couldn't NOT write about him. He was there to help me grow up and I learned so much from him.
1. At an early age, I knew Robin Williams was silly and it was okay to be silly sometimes.
2. He was an original, he didn't pretend to be anything he wasn't or put on some perfect show. He was who he was and he was unapologetic for it.
3. In Aladdin, he taught me how important it was to be honest, especially with those we love.
4. In Jumanji, he taught me that there is always hope during dark times and that things will work out.
5. He showed me the meaning of family in Mrs. Doubtfire and that boobs are not very great for putting out fires.
6. I learned about love in Bicentennial Man. It's not a movie looked on very fondly, but when i saw it I cried. Everyone deserves happiness and everyone deserves love.
7.Many people quote Dead Poet's Society this week and I hate to be cliche' but I learned how to really study from this movie. That it's important to find passion and art in life.
8.  In Ferngully, I learned from his voice that the environment may  shape you one way, but you decide who you become.
9. Most recently, I caught up on Good Will Hunting and I learned the importance of really living and not just seeing the world go by.
10. Or in the new-age classic Hook, he taught me that anything is possible if you believe in yourself.

I could cry and sob over his passing like a little girl. His passing is huge and the world seems more sad without his smile and goofy voices.  I admit there are some big parts of Williams voice & behavior that remind me of my dad. This world has lost some of it's strongest and most joyful influences in my life.