Thanksgiving and Tender Mercies Part 1

I've been meaning to type out this blog for weeks, but man has it been busy.
I won't even have time to finish it today, but I have to start it because I have to recognize Heavenly Father in my life. So hey, if you aren't religious, this one probably isn't your jam.

The past two months I have been experiencing some major doubt it my life. I work as hard as I can in the gospel and I see myself fall short in my weaknesses, which is doubly scary when I have young kids. I often look at my life and I say to myself, "I don't get this. I am doing my best but x, y, and z. Is this really the right way for me?"

I've struggled with my self identity this year too. Being a mom is so hard and lonely. Sometimes I just talk to children and clean all day and I don't get much sense of accomplishment out of that. I also tend to fault the crappy parts of my life on my failures (see above).

Being home has been an incredible blessing though. I love my family and my children. Our relationships have been strengthened from it and my anxiety/stress level is at a normal level.

I gotta say Heavenly Father has got my back.

1. I started back at my old work last month. It's a part time temporary job with a company I know and love, with friends and work family that I miss and care for immensely. This one little thing has made such an incredible difference in so many ways.
          a. I feel so happy when I am there. People know me for me and I get to be myself: outgoing, funny, happy, and hard working. These people don't know my husband or my kids. They only know me and that's a special feeling to me.
          b. Financially. We have been doing ok since I quit, but the last few months really stacked up some big things: Dave's car repairs, my car repairs, and my sinus surgery. This bump of extra money will help with that and Christmas.

2. Smith's Clicklist. Since I went back to work, I don't really have time to grocery shop by myself anymore and let's be real, my kids don't grocery shop well. Smith's clicklist saved my butt. With my first purchase, the clerk loads up my trunk and tells me, "They are getting rid of the service charge for the rest of the year." It's a little thing, but that is going to save me a decent amount of change until my temporary position ends.

3. My mom healing up. She has  been getting better after major back surgery, but just recently it has really been on the up and up. It's been insane because the days I couldn't find a babysitter, she saved my butt because she's been feeling better.

4. My mom's car. When my car broke down, it was the day before I went back to work. My mom wasn't able to drive very well yet and I could borrow hers. If not, getting to work the next few days would have been absolutely insane, if not impossible.

5. My sweet neighbors, family, and friends. They have been helping with Emily a lot while going back to work. I love it because Emily loves her cousins and friends. It makes drop off go so well.

6. Work lunches. This is a really silly one, but the other day I was really dreading my lunch at work. It wasn't really great and I didn't really want to eat it. The management brought in pizza from The Pie. I refuse to say that wasn't Heavenly Father hooking me up when I really wanted it.

7. Neighbor babysitters: So my mom couldn't help very much with babysitting for a really long time and we had to resort to pay a neighbor babysitter. I'm so grateful for my calling in youth sunday school. Without this calling I probably wouldn't ever feel comfortable asking the young women. I also wouldn't know the better ones. Date nights with Dave were able to continue through that time and that is so valuable to our relationship.

So there's my part one of tender mercies.

How Do I Turn This Off Again?

Is there a part of your brain than takes one thought and obsessive over it? I think mine is broken this week. It feels like I have a broken record up there with all this garbage.

I didn't think I would feel such self loathing at 32. 

Trust and believe I have taken every action and word with other people and turned into a shot at myself. 

Dr. Phil would say, "It's not about you." My brain would say, "Exactly, Dr. Phil, Michelle's such a waste of space." Sometimes I think I would like to die. 

I spend last night trying to force my brain to change, to see things right. 

Instead of reading my novel, I read the scriptures, searching for something to hit me and remind me of His love for me and my value. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I thought about Heavenly Father and how He would see me. I know the words and all that stuff and I can say them a million times right now, but I don't feel it. 

So here I am on a Saturday morning writing this blog post to force the ugly stuff down and find the good stuff. 

Maybe a long trip to the park or library later today will heal my brain

Shouting From the Rooftop

This month is really hard.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month.
Utah is pretty high up in the stats of suicide. A few years ago it was was #3 in the nation. It's moved to #6, but talk of suicide is everywhere this month. I have mixed feelings about this for obvious reasons.

You know, my baby brother?

I'm glad the conversation is happening, but man, it's hard.
Mark and I were close. We shared so much in common: our love for horror movies, super heroes, villains, funny things, stupid people, hiking, nature, food, etc.
Stupid things like the trailer for the new Joker movie can make me so sad. I would love to see it with him. Text him the video. Whatever.
So on the road I see those bright green Jeeps everywhere, like a nod to him. He's not driving them, but I still check sometimes. I don't even know why.
I dreamed about him three times this week. I don't remember much about them. In last night's dream we were talking about something and I woke up. I felt so stupid sad that I couldn't talk to him at that moment for real.
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.



Anyway, this blog isn't just a big sob,sad fest.
I'm teaching the lesson on Sunday to a bunch of teenagers. I'm not a very good scripture reader these days. So I waited to be alone this morning to try my best to get it.
Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are SO GOOD.

In 1 Corrin 15. Paul talks about the incredible experience of the resurrection. From his perspective I can see how bonkers it is. I mean Paul used to be named Saul. He was a big, fat jerk face to everyone in the church! It talks about how he changed and worked hard, but that was still a piece of him and Christ chose to come to him after the resurrection.

In verse 47-49 it says: The first man is of the earth, earthy: the second man is the Lord from heaven.48 As is the earthy, such are they also that are earthy: and as is the heavenly, such are they also that are heavenly.49 And as we have borne the image of the earthy, we shall also bear the image of the heavenly.

I mean this hit me so hard. Earth is so....'earthy' on humankind. The things we fight against and our weaknesses are all here on Earth. Before and after this life there is no 'earthy' parts of us. 

That really hit me pretty hard. The 'earthy' bits of Mark were really rough. From the choices his made, to the people around him, to his thoughts, actions, relationships. So much of it was 'earthy'. 

Now, there is none of that. Now there is only the 'heavenly' parts. What would those 'heavenly' parts look like? 

For me it would look like sitting together, watching Saturday morning cartoons. It would look like playing Crash Bandicoot on the floor on a Playstation. Shooting hoops in the driveway. Or climbing tall trees in the yard, sliding through the kitchen in our socks. It might even look like me listening to him play "Brain Stew" by Green Day on repeat. It would looks like family hikes during vacation, or card games. It would look like his smirk, laugh, smile. 

So shout from the rooftop. Everyone has 'earthy' bits that won't last forever.
Even more though: EVERYONE HAS HEAVENLY STUFF THAT WILL LAST FOREVER.
So grateful for the Savior and for the resurrection. He's the real MVP. Without Him, we would be stuck with all that 'earthy' crap. All my personal 'earthy' garbage will die too one day. How great to know that my heavenly parts will be around forever with those I love in their heavenly state. 
The church is true y'all. 

Catwoman Conundrum

In my house we are big fans of Tim Burton's Batman Returns. We watch it every Christmas. Last year (2018) was the first year we included the kids.
Emily is a little obsessed with kitties. She dresses like them. She pretends to be them. She wears clothes with cats on them.So naturally, she took a fancy to Catwoman.
Dave was showing her a clip the other day of Catwoman's "birth" from the film. This one:


At about 2:10. She rips her stuffed animals off her bed and stuffs them down the garbage disposal.
Emily has a sudden epiphany that goes against her morals, "What is she going to cuddle with now?"
I wonder if this debate still rages inside Emily. Can I be a kitty and have cuddly things?

2019: I've/We've Got This

There are two blog posts I am consistent and religious about completing each year. December 2018 was a rough one to right and I put off 2019 hopes/predictions for a long time. I guess I felt afraid. I've tried to keep the hopes/predictions posts happy and positive. Some part of me worries that such hopeful posts will produce hard stuff again. I know that's not the way it works, but the little girl inside me is hard to shut down sometimes.
Here we go though, in the most "rosy" way I can. We're ten days in to 2019 and I see some pretty great things, but I do see some hard things mixed in. I'll try not to focus on the difficult parts of 2019.

1. Dave Promotion: This is very likely. His supervisor and his supervisor's supervisor has encouraged him in huge ways. Some promotions recently opened up for a Senior Manager and his boss's boss already talked to the Hiring Manager about Dave. So far, the majority of these promotions are in different places like Maryland and Georgia. There are a few open locally as well. He's applying for all of them. Regardless of the outcome, the promotion will be great for Dave and our family. He works so hard and it's so great to see the recognition. Moving out of state is a strong possibility. It's scary, but exciting. More exciting than scary to me. I love a good adventure and I miss the spontaneity of youth (I recognize that this isn't true random movement, we'll have notice to make decisions and look at factors). This is the biggest thing in our lives right now. Dave's been talking to a lot of people at work to help with this decision.

2. Family Vacations: You know what I love? Family. This year we are doing two really big vacations. I mean big vacations in the idea that everyone will be there. In June we're aiming for a Tate family vacation. We're flying Lara's family out (all six) and we'll all be together for the first time in probably seven years (maybe longer). The first time in even longer without a funeral or serious illness. It will be for fun, which is weird to think about.
In the beginning of July we are going to Oregon with Dave's family, all the siblings. We're trying to make this an every other year thing. It's been so wonderful to do it in the past. It's a great opportunity to keep connections and relationships with those who are farther away.

3. Bathroom Upgrade: As a product of possible moving and getting tired of some things. We're going to be doing some small upgrades to our bathroom. It's probably not even worth mentioning, but I'm excited-so I'm going to mention it. We're going to pretty up the bathroom counters (at least in our Master Bathroom). It's had a rough few years and there's some warping left over from the previous owners. It's not too intensive because I don't want to drop hundreds of dollars on it (especially if we might be moving).

4. Cami: She's in Up with Kids until May, when she will have her final performance in "The Greatest Show". I don't know if we will do it again. She didn't love it that much. We'll probably try out a different extracurricular activity. See if we can find something she feels passionate about. She'll definitely do swim lessons again. She also gets to start orthodontic treatments. She has a narrow jaw and the dentist is worried there isn't room for all of her teeth. As a person who had a tooth grow behind the others, I would like to do that for her. We saw the orthodontist two weeks ago and we're set to start treatment on MLK Day. It's Phase 1 and should be one year. I hope that helps things come in better so we have less major work when she's older. I had adult braces and as much fun as that is (*eye roll*), I would rather she has a confident, beautiful smile as a teenager.

5. Emily: I already signed her up with Puddle Jumpers. Pre-Kindergarten for next year. Three days a week of freedom for me. ;) In the summer we will do swimming lessons for Emily too. She's really taken to them and she floats really well already. This year I would like to get her into some tumbling or something active. This girl has too much energy and passion for me to handle sometimes. Most of her big mile stones are over so I don't know if I anticipate too much in her development.

6. Social Media Break: I gave up Facebook and Instagram on New Years Day. One hour into New Years, 12:35 a.m.,someone I know posted this Top 9 thing and said that it was one her hardest years, but included three pictures from Hawaii and her running (without kids). I lost it. My jealousy can't handle that. Dave tried to talk me down, "She's not comparing her stuff to yours." and "Hard is relative. It's not a competition." Etc.That morning I woke up with some new insights. 1. I can't change people's posts, feelings, actions, or really anything about other people. 2. I can change my response and reaction. I fought myself because I don't think I can consciously choose how I react with social media. My gut response is too quick behind a digital screen. I can stop looking at it. My social media presence isn't dead. I will still post (no other looks at likes/loves or comments though), Bookstagram is okay (I like to look at books, but I don't keep scrolling and I don't get jealous of books), verification of events (book club, birthday parties, etc. Although I hope to streamline that somewhere else). Two weeks in and I see big changes in me and my family. This choice is going to change my life.

7. De-Clutter/De-Junk: This has been huge the last few weeks. Fueled by the possibility of moving, I have purged and dumped all sorts of crap including: crib mattress, baby gate, crib, high chair, blankets (an entire trunk full :O,books, toys, games, junk drawers, and sippy cups. These are starter purging, it's an on going process that will take forever. When I was growing up, my dad spent a lot of time un-employed and we didn't have a lot of money. As a product, my parents taught me to save things "just in case". Those are the things I am tossing/donating. For a lot of this stuff, just in case hasn't happened in seven years and probably won't happen for the rest of my life. If "just in case" does happen, I'll just spend the money. The majority of the junk isn't worth more than $20 (all together). I'm super proud of all the work I have done so far, but it still seems to over-power my life. It won't always be messy/disorganized.

8. Finish Editing That Book: I know. I was supposed to finish editing my book last year, but I had some stuff come up and that's going to happen sometimes. I have one more point of view character to complete and than put that characters in order. That's it. Then I'll toss it to Dave and a friend for a quick read-through. It's not that much. I can do this (especially without Facebook in my life).

9. Temple: I saved this one for last because I don't know how I feel about it. I like to keep my year hopes to things I believe in and things I truly think will happen. Whoa, whoa, I believe in the temple. I mean the endowment. I also believe in the temple covenants and blessings, but it's different when I'm going through the temple on my own. Baby steps over many years took me there last year and I know it will take me there again, but I don't know if I feel like the time is right. My family is hoping to take Mark's name through the temple end of February/beginning of March. I would like to be there for that, but it freaks me out. I wish it was more widely discussed. I understand the sacred things that happen and all that jazz, but I want a frank, "This is what will happen and you are ready. It's time." Adult decisions are so difficult sometimes. I hope to be at the temple this year. I hope to receive my endowment. I guess that's enough for now.

I think these are the big hopes and anticipations for 2019. It's a year of change, chosen change. Having control over the changes in my life feels a lot better compared to the unexpected changes from last year. I see some hard changes in the future, life never holds back on the difficult parts, but I have such a wonderful support system that I can conquer anything from unexpected deaths (cross fingers that we get a long break from anymore of that), medical issues, difficult relationships, to broken dishwashers. As a wonderful group of animated ponies once said, "You got this. We got this together."