12.31.2018

2018: That Was Unexpected

It's weird to look back on this year. It's been a big year of changes for my family and me. I had no idea what 2018 was going to be like. How naiive and innocent I was to picture it as this journey forward. I mean, look at this. I love my optimism and hope for the future. It's easy to expect the same, when there hasn't been loss.
So this year, there's more highlights/lowlights than I expect, but they are things that I want to remember. For all the good and the bad, 2018 was unforgettable. I'm breaking it down this year to "Hellos" and "Goodbyes".

*Heart eye face*
1.Finally Fenced: We've been in this house for seven years in January. SEVEN YEARS without a fence. This summer we finally put up a fence. Our neighbors are not great and it was time to set boundaries and expectations. Believe it or not, this visual representation of my desired relationship with them has actually worked. Less parties and less loud nights. Color me surprised. It's great to have a fenced area. Our house looks so much neater.




I steal photos from Facebook for work
pictures. *shrug*
2.Dave Promotion: Dave actually interviewed for a few positions this year. He landed himself in a promotion at Verizon Wireless as is his yearly tradition. He now manages a team that troubleshoots tech for smaller-mid size companies (I think. He'll let me know if I'm wrong). He's really enjoyed this position and the people he works with. He's had some really great opportunities to get to know the executive side of things during two national conferences in New Jersey.


Emily in the dress she wears every day.
3.Emily Pre-School: It was "iffy" for a minute if we were going to make it to pre-school this year. Emily relapsed potty training a few times and I didn't know if she was ready. I think two weeks before she finally got it down (mostly). She's in love with school and her new friends. She's learning a lot like "eating crackers" and songs. It's been really nice for mom (me) to have some free time twice a week). It's worth every penny.
Her interests haven't changed too much. She loves Paw Patrol & PJ Masks.





She's too grown up!
4. Cami 1st Grade: Cami goes to school all day now! She's gone from 8:20-3:25 Monday-Friday. It's been so weird. School is going great for her. She is super smart and has really enjoyed the computer programs they do in class to practice reading and math (Prodigy & Lexia). She's made a lot of new friends this year. We're lucky so many of them live close.
Cami's interests have evolved a lot this year. She started the year loving LOL Dolls more than anything on the planet. Now, she loves baby dolls (Baby Alive and American Girl style). She loves to play family or school with her dolls. She also has really taken to musicals, especially "The Greatest Showman". I can't tell you how many times we listened to the CD.



Spunky and cuddly
5. Cadence: A cat is a big choice. It's a choice we have thought about for a while. This discussion moved up in the fall when we caught four mice in three weeks. We aimed for a Christmas surprise, but it didn't work out. One week before Christmas we surprised the girls with Cadence, a tabby from CAWS. She was found by a family in a barn in a box. There was glass all around the box and the mom abandoned them. She lived with a foster family, who named her Cadence. When we held her for the first time, I knew she was ours. She settled in my arms and let me pet her. She is still a kitten, so she's pretty feisty sometimes, but she loves her cuddles, and has the loudest growling purr known to mankind.

Snapshot of one day because reasons.
6. Tate Staycation: This year, as a family, we opted to adventure around Utah instead of our usual Bear Lake adventure. It was a lot of fun. We rode the Heber Creeper, went for a hike, did a long bike ride in the hot sun, and had fun together as a family. I love my family so much. It doesn't matter what we do. When we are together there is so much laughter and happiness (for me, anyway). I love that my kids get to grow up close to their cousins. They will always have someone in their corner.






Cami swimming,
7. Swim Lessons: This summer we did two swim lessons with both kids. The first time I took Emily to the Rec Center, I kept looking up afraid she was drowning. That's a little peak into what it's been like.The second lessons we did at our neighbor's pool. Her kids teach swimming lessons and I will never go back to the rec center. Cami thrived with their older daughter, Endia. She put her face in the water (A LOT). Emily floats really well too and she's working through some of the motions. It was so fun to see them grow in their confidence. Water park next year, here we come!

Magic here?
8. Up With Kids: I did it. I enrolled Cami in an extracurricular activity during the school year. I had to though. Up With Kids is a kind of performance art class. They sing, dance, and teach basics about acting and performing. This year they are doing a knock-off of "The Greatest Showman" called "The Greatest Show". She has gone back and forth between loving it and not loving it. Ha! She's one of the older kids in the class (it ranges from 4-1st grade). The teacher is amazing and makes it so much fun for her. I think at the end she will have really enjoyed her time in this class.


Snapshot of the good and the hard.
9. Ohio: As will be featured in the Goodbye section. My brother-in-law passed away unexpectedly in November. I literally dropped everything and flew to Ohio with my mom two days later. As I mentioned. I love my family so much and I needed to be there with my sister and family. It was an incredibly difficult experience. The house where I remember Greg felt too quiet without him. Watching my sister and her children hurt was so hard. Among the difficult things, there were a lot of good experiences. I haven't seen the Ohio family in many years (outside of Lara and Melissa coming during Mark's funeral). I loved building relationships, healing relationships and being there together. It was hard, but it was fun too.


Isn't she lovely?
10. Allergies: Remember how I have no shame and I'm a pretty open book. Here's a pretty picture of me from earlier this month. Right before Christmas I learned I was allergic to Tide with Febreeze. I've never had issues with Tide or Febreeze, but I learned my lesson that mixing them must trigger something in my body. I've never been in so much pain in my life. I would rather give birth than experience another allergic reaction.
It lasted about 4-5 days. My sweet friends, neighbors, and family helped so much during this time. I have no idea what I would have done without everyone. They helped with the kids, meals, medication, etc. It's okay to ask for help.




I'm not good at taking pictures on vacation.
So this is one day, one event. 
11.Hunt/Larsen Cabin Trip: Dave's mom's family has a cabin that we get to visit once a year. In the past few years we haven't gone overnight. This year we dared the overnight experience. It was rough, but the mantra when we go anywhere is "we don't come here to sleep". Ha! The girls had so much fun though! We painted rocks, did play doh, went for walks/hikes, played in the river, played games, and a lot of other stuff. Cami still asks when we will go back.







This is literally a picture of our
trunk when we left.
12. Game Weekend: This year we tried something new. We got together with some of our friends for a weekend in Park City playing games and hanging out together. It was like an adult vacation, a very nerdy, adult vacation. With games, hot tub, going out to dinner, watching movies. It was so awesome! I can't wait to go again.







This is me!
13. Temple: This picture says a thousand words to me. It says, "Ten years!". It says, "The gospel is real and true. This is real joy. It's never too late.It's worth every step to get back"  I came back to church seven years ago and I really struggled with some things. In the past few years, on paper, I was ready. I wasn't really ready though. Two bishops, multiple family members, and friends have been so encouraging to me; but I  needed to do it when the time was right. It's a Limited Use Recommend. I don't feel ready for the big step yet, but I'm working on it. When I stepped in the temple again, I didn't cry or break down on the carpet. I smiled. That's it, guys. It' walking into a room that feels right and feels good. This year I've needed the gospel more than ever. Eternity is real. I keep thinking of Job 19:26, "..after my skin worms destroy this body, yet shall I see God." I replace that with the names of those I've loved and lost (Dad, Mark, Greg, Grandparents).


This beautiful woman clearly does not
have Hoshimoto's. 
14. Hoshimoto's Disease: This should come as no shock to those around me. Every woman in my mom's family has been diagnosed with hypothyroidism (literally). I was diagnosed with it shortly after Cami's birth. I started seeing a new primary care this year and Dr. Kininkini has changed my life for the better. She ran multiple tests on me and determined more than just hypothyroidism was causing me trouble: Hoshimoto's Disease. Finally an explanation for my almost constant fatigue and bouts of depression and crazy (even with anti-depressants). It didn't rock my world as much as I thought. No new doctor appointments and no new treatments. It just gives me a "why" my thyroid medication keeps increasing. My body wants to destroy my thyroid. NBD.




1. Mark: In February my little brother died by suicide with a gunshot to his head. He was only 28 years old. I knew him practically my whole life. Anxiety and depression are not strangers in my family. If anything, they are a constant presence. Mark could be hard to love, but we were very similar and understood each other so well.When we were younger we used to fight worse than cats and dogs, but I'd like to think we were a lot closer before he died. He told me he wanted to die in August 2017. I did everything in my power to help him. Offered to set up a budget to help his money problems, helped him find counseling through the LDS church (which actually didn't work out because Bishops are human and made some choices I don't agree with). I made him dinner and invited him over several times a week. I encouraged his passions in art and books. I encouraged space from toxic people. When he left so young, he left a hole, a big hole. He was funny, subtle, smart, and thoughtful. Mental illness is real and we can all do more to help. 

2. Greg: My sister, Lara, married Greg when I was five or six years old. I remember leaning over his shoulder after the wedding to get a peak at their presents. I don't think I understood then the difference he would make in my life. So many key points in my life were guided by his words. I don't mean that in a cliche, weird way, but it's true. Greg could get anyone talking. When I was a teenager, Greg and Lara, lived two blocks away. I remember my time there more than my time at home during that period of my life. He was always there to cheer me up, encourage me in my future, and make me laugh. We sevrved on a youth committee with Greg at church since we were in the same ward. He had a fantastic testimony and shared it in these meetings sometimes. Right before I left for college, he gave me this cheesy safety talk (he used to be a Highway Patrolman). He told me to be careful, always lock my door, be smart, and don't lose focus. Or when I came to visit between, we would talk about boys, to my utter embarrassment and eventual clarity over what to do with certain situations. It's so weird that he's gone. I wish I spoke to him more often. 

I had a few other things I was going to mention, but I don't think they matter. After writing about my brothers (one by blood, one by marriage), who cares about the other stuff. Life can change in a year. Families can change in a year. They change by choice and involuntarily. I'd like to say I have no regrets with my brothers, but I do. I don't know if anyone can truly say they have no regrets when someone close dies. 
If I picked one word for this year, it was family. Family for good or worse. We are in it together. Whether you want it or not. There will be more loss, pain, and death. People don't live forever. We don't get to choose that. I can choose how my relationships in my family continue in the future (that's right, you all have to love me! I'll make you love me! I kid, relationships are two sided). I'd like to say I did my best to love those around me- ESPECIALLY my family. 
So there it is in all it's painful, wonderful glory. 2018: an unexpected year of pain and happiness.

11.27.2018

Thankful

Thanksgiving goes too fast and I feel like I've missed so many things to be thankful for. It's easy to misplace them when you are sitting at Thanksgiving dinner. There's turkey, potatoes, green beans, and Dave sitting across from me. At this dinner there is the traditional naming of something you are thankful for. How can I not say family? But there's more. There's more in my heart that I can't say out loud because some people don't know me or can't understand.
This year has been hard for me. I know it's subjective, so maybe these things aren't bad for other people. Two of my brothers passed in nine months, living on one income, TERRORIST THREE'S/never ending potty training, both shoulder injuries, and various medical stuff.
There's something I believe in all these hard things, life is balanced. Where there has been hard things, there have been really great things.
1. Community: I believe this house was for us. The place I live and the people around me have been so incredibly important this year. From my best friend, two different Relief Society presidents, to neighbors. After Mark died, I had a really hard time with doubt. When you are living your life with the people around you it's easy to believe. I have a testimony of the gospel, but I needed reassurance, to know that he was okay. I was sitting in church when it hit me that, this community is in tune. These women around me answered Heavenly Father and helped me. I cannot put into words how much this meant to  me this year.
2. Temple: Right after I came home from Ohio, I went to my bishop for Tithing Settlement. While there, I interviewed for entrance to the temple. I have a limited use recommend for the first time in ten years. I did baptisms with my brother, Dennis, and his family two days later. I would like to say I had some amazing experience there, but I didn't. What I did feel, was happy, and peace. Like a hug. I am so thankful for the temple. I hope to finish my temple work this year (after talking with someone).
3. Family: Okay, I'm saying it again. There's a reason though that's deeper than just saying "family". There's Dave's family. A family I married into, but has given me the extra sisters and brothers I need and care for. I'm grateful that I was able to visit Ohio this year and see the family back there. I love them so much and I cam so glad to have them in my life. We are put into families for reasons and purposes. I think of my siblings and there parts in my life: Lara, Dennis, Derrick, and Mark have played immense roles in who I was, am, and will be. I love them all so much and I want to be with them!
4. Calling: I've only been Youth Sunday School teacher for a few months, but man, Heavenly Father knew what was up when he called me. The lessons in the "Come Follow Me" manual are amazing and powerful. Although they are for teaching the youth, I'm definitely getting a lot from this calling. Also seeing the young people and their strength. Holy moly, this generation will be warriors.
5. Kids:In the same air as earlier, Cami and Emily came to Dave and I for a reason. Sweet, sensitive Cami and her big heart. Strong, cuddly Emily with her bright smile. They can beat me down easy, but they can also build me up in dark times.

This is only five, but they are the biggest things in my heart. The irreplaceable things from this year, the things I am most grateful. There is always good to overcome the hard and dark parts of life.

10.24.2018

The Haunting of Hill House and me

I blog a lot when I feel high emotions. It's like my way of coping with things. A lot of my heightened emotions these days hover around depression and sadness. I don't like to talk about being sad or depressed because I feel like no one understands because no one has lived in my body with my brain. I don't know, but there's my disclaimer for this potentially depressing blog post.
Recently one of my book clubs read "The Haunting of Hill House" by Shirley Jackson. I found the book to be a creepy discussion on mental illness with a lot of dark humor. The book club was conveniently timed because Netflix just released a new series based loosely on the book.
It's a pretty well reviewed series and there's been a lot of buzz about the show. Dave and I started watching it almost immediately. I have found that sometimes art immitates life. The show struck a heaavy cord with me last night and I can't get it out of my head.So spoiler alert I'm going to ruin this show right now.
The show kind of surrounds the events at the house in the past and the present. The youngest in the family, Eleanor (Nell), hangs herself at the house in the present day.
I know you might say, "Hello, why are you watching this show?" In my defense, it felt very different from my personal life so far. Mark's suicide wasn't pushed through paranormal events or visions. So it didn't feel real until episode six.
Episode six is all about the family coming back together in the present day for her funeral/viewing. They are all together talking and arguing about the past and their ugly parts in both the present/past. In a flashback the family is trying to find Nell in Hill House. After a lightning strike, she appears out of nowhere hysterical. She keeps crying and it flashes to the present. Her body is in the casket and her bent neck ghost standing in front of it, while her twin looks on.
The voice-over is when she was a little girl saying something like, "I was here the whole time and you didn't see me. I was always here.You didn't see me."
I'm crying all over again now. It's so heartbreaking. This is a family I understand, a family that can get lost in their own lives. I get a little too involved with my own stuff. The twin in the show is a long time addict. I may not be addicted to alcohol or drugs, but priorities can push people in different ways. I can't help put myself in the twin's place and Mark where Nell was.
Mark was not killed by "a house". I think my family knew he was struggling,. some more than others. I run through those last months in my head, the impressions I had. I went with him to see the single's ward bishop (the first time he probably stepped in a church in 13 years. I went with him to get him help to see a counselor. They denied him because he wasn't ready to come back to church in any capacity.
I remember the phone calls and the text messages. I remember last August, sitting in Carl's Jr with him, while my kids played in the play place. His back to the glass divider from the family section. I remember the way he didn't meet my eyes. The defeat and the weight he carried from depression, mistakes, loss, and pain.
I think I listened to every prompting. I can't help wondering if I missed one while a kid was screaming or when I was scrolling through Facebook. I texted him and called him, but he still made that choice.  I want to scream, "I see you! I saw you!"
I know that in this life I will not know or truly understand his death. Sometimes I don't know what to do with that knowledge. I want to demand it. It's not about me. He was always there, but sometimes I didn't really see him. Do we ever really see someone for who there in their entirety? I don't think so. It's easier to hide things we don't like or are ashamed of.
I feel like I've written myself in circles. Did I see him? I don't know anymore. Does anyone really see me? I don't know. This is the true horror, I guess-despair in ourselves. 

10.02.2018

Thoughts on Mark, religion, and transformation

I don't even know what to write today, but I feel it. It's probably pain. Sometimes it's easier to write about pain than joy.
I've been thinking a lot about my brother. We're on 8 months since he left. The more time that passes, I lose more of my understanding of the situation.
My family battles anxiety and depression. I feel it in my blood. Sometimes my heart weighs with an unreasonable darkness. In these moments I seek out my loved ones: Dave, my mom, and so many others. I admit that Mark wasn't my first call when I felt wrong.
Did he think about our mom? Did he think about me? He could talk to me. The weeks before he passed, he came to my house and/or texted me frequently. I could see his pain. We talked about his life. He loved so hard and he found uncommitted women, who played it like an instrument. I tried so hard to help. Even my kids seemed to sense it, bringing their ponies or princesses to him to play.
I think about those women he loved in different ways. Maybe that love he wanted so bad, that lasting relationship he looked for was a ways off. It's hard to let go of what you know in hopes of something better. He deserved so much better than he got.
I believe in love. Heavenly Father gave him family. Family that loved him through everything. I knew his secrets. So many secrets, mistakes, and hurt. I knew him and I loved him. The life is about who we become, not who we were or are. It's about the process of transformation.
I believe Mark was transforming and changing is so hard. So hard.
Hell, I just miss him so much. I hugged him each time I saw him. He gave awful hugs, they always felt like a skeleton even with weight gain, but they were him.
I think there is something to remember beyond him. Something I can't put my finger on, but something he wanted to leave for people who hurt. If you know, will you let me know, cause I could use some real insight.

9.20.2018

Average me, happy me

I was thinking today while I drove home alone without kids or husband about how opinions change the way we feel. I have a few friends who beat up on themselves all the time. 
I'm pretty familiar with that. All my life I never felt like I was enough. This last year, I've tried to let go of the things I can't change and try to fix what I can. 

Me in the last year: My life isn't perfect. I'm not rich. I wear clothes that are comfortable, not cute. I don't wear makeup more often than I do. It's okay. I'm happy.
I think you get the picture.
Every woman I talk to about anything: I am uncomfortable with my back fat. I spent $1,000 on an outfit for this wedding. My kids are doing this. I spend 2 hours in a gym every day. I work full time. 
Me: Wait, how's my back fat? My belly is starting to pooch a little. I spent too much money this week. I don't dress very pretty. I should get some more pretty clothes. I am getting wrinkles and gray hair. I look tired all the time. I wish I was prettier. I wish I could do more. I wish I had more money. 

I wish this was backwards. How does one maintain true happiness in this world of never enough. 

7.31.2018

I dreamed about Mark last night. I was downtown, looking for my phone. I looked on the sidewalks, by homeless people, and in restaurants.
I found it on a gladg table at a small Cafe. A guy looked up from the next table and he looked just like Mark.
I froze. I couldn't move. I stared at him. I matched to their similarities. They could have been twins.
He noticed my state and shifted around. I introduced myself to him and asked if I could take a picture for my family.
He says his name was Tad and I definitely could take a picture, but I didn't need to. He looked me in the eye and said, "He's right behind you."
I wanted to turn around, but I couldn't. My whole body shook as I stood, like a seizure-uncontrollable.
I felt his hands land on my shoulders from behind me. The shaking stopped and I cried with relief that he was with me.

3.22.2018

When Life Goes On

No wonder today feels weird. Mark died exactly one month ago. The power in my neighborhood went out and right now the wind is howling. The weather feels more real than I do this week.

I vaguely remember similar feelings after my dad died. The world feels out of touch and I wonder about the value of life. So often these days life is found in money, jobs, images, and things. I feel like Mark pushed me back out of those things. Like I'm on the outside looking at my life. Is this what life is about? What priorities could possibly matter more right now than my brother? 

I've skipped out on a lot of things recently. Family things, friend things, and church things pushed aside. My last post talked a lot about people and how important they have been, but in the same breath it's incredibly hard to sit and talk about trivial things with my mind screaming in the background, "SHUT UP, CHERYL. NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR PERFECT KALE SMOOTHIES.. NO ONE CARES ABOUT HOW EXPENSIVE DOCTOR'S BILLS ARE. MY BROTHER IS DEAD. HE SHOT HIMSELF AND YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT TRAFFIC?"

I get it. Life goes on and other people don't know or understand. My life feels stuck, like I've stumbled into a big wall and I can't get over it. So I look behind me and I see how ridiculous humanity can be. How ridiculous I can be. Our lives are not measured by the little things. They are measured in emotions and relationships. Can we build relationships with diets, bills, traffic, weather, or shopping trips? No way and to be honest, I'm tired of living that way. Life is too short to waste on the trivial and unimportant. 

My brother was 28 years old. 344 months old. That is so tiny. He spent so much of it worried about money, success, careers, marriage, and mistakes. We talked a lot about all of them. These worries are human. They are stressors. His life was more than that. My life is more than that. 

This week I miss him pretty bad. I haven't felt like cooking dinner. While making grocery store frozen pizza the other day, I felt like I should invite him for dinner. I reached for my phone before I remembered that the text would fall flat, lost in the circuits. I want desperately to hear his quirky sense of humor that put things into perspective and made the big things I fight seem small. He had this way with sarcasm. He vocalize things with this flat line montone voice and make it seem silly.
 
It hurts a lot this week because I always felt like Mark and I were similar. We got each other. We were imperfect people who knew both sides of the track. We may have picked different sides, but we got it. We struggled with our emotions, but coped in different ways. We shared blood and tears. It's so isolating and such a lonely feeling now without him. 

His hugs were weak sauce. They were half-hearted feeling one arm limp across my shoulder like a fish while the other barely touched my shoulder blade. I would give anything for a hug today. 
Grief comes and goes at weird times. Hopefully my soul finds a way to anchor back to life cause this is starting to feel really hard. 

3.07.2018

Grief and Gratitude Go Together

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since my brother took his own life. I have a million blogs entries to write because this experience has been insanely hard and insanely wonderful. I know that doesn't make sense, but hear me out.

Today has been hard. I woke up tired despite the sunshine, the grief already stuck in my throat. It comes and goes on a whim I don't understand. I spent the day in one of Mark's plaid shirts, too large for me, and very male looking.

Right before I start typing, I open a tab for Pandora. Music always helps my mind to sort through my thoughts. The song that starts is "Unknown Soldier" by Breaking Benjamin. The chorus is close to home:

"Holding on too tight
Breathe the breath of life
So I can leave this world tonight
It only hurts just once
They're only broken bones"

Even thought today has felt sad and I can't stop smelling his shirt or his beanie, pretending his going to be so mad when he finds out we took all of his stuff. I feel so thankful for the people in his life.

I posted the announcement of his passing and his memorial, so I was the point of contact for everyone on Facebook. The spread took less than eight hours for the private messages to come pouring through.

Family: Tate and Lewis alike immediately responded to the post. They wanted to know what happened and what they could do to help. My mom's sister flew in town from Hawaii a few days later to be here for the memorial. My sister and niece flew in from Ohio to be here with them family. 
I am so grateful for my family, close and extended. My mom is very introverted and we didn't go to many family things, but they were there that night with hugs, flowers, and condolences. 
This isn't our first go with grief in my close family. In five years my father, two grandfathers, and now my brother passed away. I know my siblings and my mother handle grief very differently, but we came together and put aside everything to be there for each other in these moments. 

Marines: I won't lie to you. The Marines are my favorite response. Where family is tied through blood and constant gatherings, these men have very little attachment to me and my family. Yet, they were number two contact. I have to call out Chris McMurrin, who has been my brother from another mother over the last two weeks. He also passed my information to Staff Seargant Senese, who helped so much with setting up financial support through GoFundMe and the Utah Marines. These men contributed money of various amounts and gave my family so much support. I CAN'T imagine this process without their assistance and help. I don't think they understand even a little how much they mean to me right now. I am so grateful for the U.S. Marines. I'm grateful for their support and care for their Marine brother. 
Over 30 U.S. Marines showed up at Mark's memorial. They stood in a circle around my family, some in dress blues, some police officers, some in suits, and some in jeans. In that moment they offered their support and gave Mark a shout and a "Oorah!" In the church cultural hall, it seemed to echo in the walls, and for a minute I felt him standing with them. 

Friends: Mark's friends came flying out of the woodwork. For someone who felt so lonely, he was incredibly loved. Friends from today, high school, ex-girlfriends, elementary school. Mark often didn't feel like he belonged in our family and he found love in those friends and they showed it in their responses. I'm grateful for their responses and their help sorting out his affairs (now and the future).
I can't end this section without calling out my friends. Today hits me really hard because it's been hard. One of my sweet friends must have heard my heart hurting, she dropped cookies off while I was out running errands. My ward and neighbors have been priceless in this time. They have brought dinner, flowers, treats, and offered to help with my kids. I'm glad to be in place to know these women. I don't know what I would do without their support.

Coworkers: Mark's sweet boss, Jessica, reached out to me as well to offer her sympathy and support with the benefits at Discover. Mark enjoyed working under her because of the opportunities she gave him to grow and develop his skills. Discover provided my mom with a large basket of flowers and they day of the memorial, his entire team wore shorts in honor of him (he always wore shorts, even when it was cold and it was cold that day!) Like all of us, Mark had a love/hate relationship with his job, but I am grateful for Jessica and his wonderful coworkers. I met one young man at the memorial close to tears. He took Mark to work on Valentine's Day because Mark was having such a hard time that day. 

Various Spirits: That may be a funny thing to call out in a blog about people. I honestly wasn't planning this part. The day Mark passed away I heard him twice. Before dinner, I bustled around the kitchen and I heard him say my name from the living room. I looked in the living room, but it was empty. My mom hadn't called me and I felt sure I was "trippin". I'm pretty sure the second time was that night, but it could have been the next night-they blend together. Those first few days I had a hard time sleeping and I woke in the middle of the night and begged to know he was okay. In my head I kept thinking, "Please tell me he's at peace and he's okay."  Nothing, no feeling, no peace for me. A few minutes later I heard him say quiet with a joke in his tone, that familiar way we spoke together, "Hey."  This process has felt hard and extremely lonely, but I know that there is invisible help around me and my family. He released himself from his pain, but we are in it for a while still, left in a scramble of his stuff, bills, burial, and memories.

Recently Dave and I spoke about legacy in reference to the movie, "Interstellar". In the movie, it's implied that children carry our legacy in their memories. Mark didn't have children, but he has a different kind of legacy carried in family, friends, coworkers, and Marines. Mark's legacy lives in us and our experiences and memories with him. 

Mark's face more often than not, slight smirk with a question.



1.10.2018

Lessons on Happiness

I learned a lot in the last few months about relationships, family, and living my life. It's funny. I feel like I turned thirty and I'm finally starting to understand life (at least a little bit).
Four months ago i quit my job to stay home with my kids. I'm lucky to stay in contact with one of my dear friends from Myriad, Courtney. We are the same age (I think) and we love books. We used to sit across the aisle and interrupt each other randomly to talk about books. I joined a book club with her so I get to see her at least once a month.
Courtney's had a rough go the last few years with her fixer-upper house, family, and job. She's incredibly sweet and works hard at everything.
I met up with her at book club on Monday. We spoke about the big changes in her life, mainly her promotion to Assistant Clinical Data Specialtist (or something). She deserves all good things that come to her and I really feel happy for her.
I came home feeling a little self-doubt. If I was at Myriad, would I have been promoted with Courtney? Could we be working together? I loved my job because I felt like I was good at it and I made a difference. I worked hard and I felt like our finances showed the hard work. Unless I donate plasma, I don't earn a cent, but I feel like I still work hard every day. I will not receive any type of promotion where I am now.
While talking with Dave about my doubts, he tried to reassure me, "You were promoted to something really vital and important to our family." Husbands, am I right? I didn't think he understood. He's valued in his job, he's financially compensated, and promoted easily. 
Who knew that Heath Ledger or whoever, would help me figure out the truth. I found this quote on Facebook and I don't know how true or if he even said it.

There's that light bulb. Are you happy?
Was I happy when I worked full time? Kind of, but only until I came home and faced everything I left behind in my search for recognition and money. 
Am I happy at home? YES! I love my "work" as a stay at home mom. I don't have to rush out of work to see my girls again. I get to actually handle the housework. Dishes, laundry, and dinner are pretty manageable every day-I could never say that while I was working full time. 
Happy will different from person to person and situations may make things more difficult. So maybe if I don't feel happy, I need to find the happy because that's the most important part. 


1.03.2018

2018 Hopes, Goals, and Predictions

Every year I like to reflect on the past year in a list with photos. I try to be accurate and real about what life for our family looks like every year in highlights. At the beginning of the year I try to see what the next year will hold for my family. They aren't necessarily resolutions because they aren't things that require a year of commitment. Many years these predictions and hopes are easy because they are things Dave and I have planned or spoke about. This year my list starts a little different.

1. Be Awkward: Okay, that's not really what I mean, but it makes you laugh right? 2017 meant big changes in my social and community outlook. I'm home more and around the neighborhood more. In society and/or my neighborhood, you avoid talking with people you know at the grocery store or around town. I'm guilty of running down the next aisle or looking fast at my phone instead of waving or saying "hi". This year I want to face the awkward encounters at public places. I will embrace it and be friendly. My dad was a master at this. When I was a kid/high school, I was so embarrassed and would tug on him to leave the store. Alongside the embarrassment, I remember him looking cashiers in the eye and asking them about their families. I saw their faces and what it meant to be recognized beyond their job. I want to see people for who they are, step outside of myself. Every once in a while, this tumbler gets passed around and this year I'm inspired by it. So what if I'm awkward and I don't know what to say. 













2.Edits and Inquiries: Last year I finished my book. You know that super hero, super nerdy book mimicking Lost and Heroes? I will finish edits this year and hopefully send out some inquiries to some editors. I would love to get published and I have a long road to go from here full of rejection, but I will stay the course and do everything I can to achieve this dream. I don't know if it will actually get published this year. Editor review, contracts, and all that jazz. To be honest, I'm still not 100% sure I know where to go with it after I'm done editing. Yay for learning.

3. Write: I have ideas for two more books and a possible sequel to the previous book in my head. I will not finish another book. I know my process takes longer than the average writer, but little by little I'm improving and getting better at writing. I hope to start another book this year..

4. Run: Maybe. This year may grant me some extra time. I would love to get back into running and do another half marathon. Now I don't know if I'll do a half this year, but I would love to get back into running again in the fall. 

5. Preschool for Emily: I can't believe I am writing this. My baby will be in preschool this fall. It feels so weird. I don't really know what that will look like for her. Emily has so much energy and imagination. I'm not sure how she will respond to the structure and focus on letters, numbers, and colors. She doesn't have the interest in those things that Cami did.

6. No More Diapers: Emily can do it this year, right? I feel like she is so close to catching on to it, if she can find the right motivation. Even now, with limited motivation from us, she occassionally uses the potty. She'll catch it this year. I think she has to for pre-school...

7. Toddler Bed: Emily has a lot of big changes this year. I imagine about the time we start really tackling potty training, we'll move her into a toddler bed. I have a feeling we won't get as lucky as we did with Cami on this one. I hope the transition goes well. We're still a few months away, so it's hard to say at this point what it will look like. Experience says my little hurricane may not understand the containment of bedtime. 

8. 1st Grade: Cami starts first grade this fall. That's another weird thing to think about. She'll be gone at school all day long (*cheers*). Kindergarten is only 2.5 hours, so I'm excited to think of her really launching into her education. In addition to kindergarten, she may be starting the ALPS program through the district (Advanced Learning Program). If she passes their exams, she'll go to an accelerated school with focus on STEM  and hands on learning. She's a smart girl and I'm not worried about her. Really, either way it works. I want the best education for her, if that is in her current school or through ALPS, I'm confident she'll do the best she can.

9. Swimming: We took a break with Cami's swim lessons during school. Honestly, it's good because who knew that school would take so much of my, I mean her time. ;)  Emily turns 3 in April and then she will be able to take swimming lessons too. I think this summer we'll start both kids in swimming lessons. It will be so great for both of them. Cami really needs to find a way to be comfortable in the water and with water on her face. It might take a few years for her to be comfortable.

10. Fenced In: We've been in our house for just about six years and this is the year we're going to finally put in a fence (hopefully). We don't have the greatest next door neighbors. I think we'll probably end up springing for it on our own. I hope the fence helps reduce the noise from their side of the property too. We're the corner lot, so our bedroom window faces their garage. Every party, coming, going, and stalling sounds like it's in our bedroom. The fence will help that, right? Let me dream.

11. Dave Active: Dave has been really sticking to this workout thing with Shaun T/T25. He does two workouts these days instead of running. The air quality is horrible and running in the ice could be painful and disastrous. He's really dedicated to this program. It's good to see him feel better and be healthier. I see him continuing this. His self motivation exceeds my own this year. :D

12. Dave Work: Dave will work in his current position for a few more months. After that he goes back to a Help Desk Supervisor-type job for businesses. One thing I see with Dave is his constant search for exceeding in his career and knowledge. At this point, he probably doesn't see much changing, but I am sure he'll find some class or some job to expand his experience and knowledge. I love how hard it works to do better.