A few weeks ago I had to create a short "get to know you" questionnaire for my new team at work. One of the questions was how would you describe yourself. I gave a few physical descriptors and "I am pretty lazy".
It may sound like a poor decision to include that in a presentation that would be seen by my supervisor/boss. In a normal situation that would be true, but my supervisor is someone I worked with for many years and I feel confident that he knew/knows my current work ethic.
I say "lazy" because I'm a big "completionist". Those of you who know me well, would know that I take great pleasure in finishing things-lists, projects, and stupid things like finishing a box of cereal. It's a big driver in my life. Not because the act of completing things is fulfilling (although it is), but because my brain believes that once I finish x, y, and z things will be easier/better.
Consciously, that doesn't make sense. If I finish a box of cereal, I have to open a new one. There's no real benefit, but it doesn't have to make sense for my brain to believe it.
This week I had this insane revelation. It happened while I was sitting in church after ANOTHER stressful experience getting my girls out the door (I kid you not, it takes them 30+ minutes to get shoes on and walk out that door). Neither of my daughters care for church very much and I admit I am not perfect in my attendance since COVID-so without that consistency they have developed a bit of a fight against it. You could maybe blame that on their own stubborn personalities too, but that doesn't necessary matter.
In my head I was grumbling to myself and I started to cry. I was so frustrated because I felt like I was trying so hard in my life-specific to church in this instant. During this frustrated, angry crying mini session-I wondered why that made me so unhappy. Shouldn't the effort and things I did bring me joy? The good things bring the spirit-etc.
Almost instantly I received a big insight. I was mad because I did all these good things in my life for the rewards I wanted in my life. I believed that when I did the completed this mental checklist in my head, I would get the blessings or things I wanted in my life. I was upset because things were still hard, just as hard as it has always been. I believed that it would get easier based on friends comments, faith, etc. In those thoughts, I discounted everything else because I didn't care about the other futures in that situation.
What a slap in the face! That's not how life works and I can't expect my life to mirror others. My life and my family is very different from any others in history, dynamics, etc.
Yikes, guys. I HATE the journey, I need to look to the future with hope and stuff. I wonder if that's a serious thing that is reflective of the last 12 months. Things have been hard for everyone and it's difficult sometimes to wake up and do the adult thing every day. I have to hope things will be better in the morning, next week, next month, etc. If I don't have that kind of hope and faith in the future, I would probably just quit.
I wish I had some great resolve with that self insight, but I don't. I feel really "labored" and definitely would like things to be easier sometimes (especially with parenthood/church). Why does it always feel like there's more fight than follow inn the things that matter? That seems a little unfair. "I didn't say it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it."
Le Sigh.
