L is for Lazy or is it for Labored

 A few weeks ago I had to create a short "get to know you" questionnaire for my new team at work. One of the questions was how would you describe yourself. I gave a few physical descriptors and "I am pretty lazy". 

It may sound like a poor decision to include that in a presentation that would be seen by my supervisor/boss. In a normal situation that would be true, but my supervisor is someone I worked with for many years and I feel confident that he knew/knows my current work ethic. 

I say "lazy" because I'm a big "completionist". Those of you who know me well, would know that I take great pleasure in finishing things-lists, projects, and stupid things like finishing a box of cereal. It's a big driver in my life. Not because the act of completing things is fulfilling (although it is), but because my brain believes that once I finish x, y, and z things will be easier/better. 

Consciously, that doesn't make sense. If I finish a box of cereal, I have to open a new one. There's no real benefit, but it doesn't have to make sense for my brain to believe it.

This week I had this insane revelation. It happened while I was sitting in church after ANOTHER stressful experience getting my girls out the door (I kid you not, it takes them 30+ minutes to get shoes on and walk out that door). Neither of my daughters care for church very much and I admit I am not perfect in my attendance since COVID-so without that consistency they have developed a bit of a fight against it. You could maybe blame that on their own stubborn personalities too, but that doesn't necessary matter.

In my head I was grumbling to myself and I started to cry. I was so frustrated because I felt like I was trying so hard in my life-specific to church in this instant. During this frustrated, angry crying mini session-I wondered why that made me so unhappy. Shouldn't the effort and things I did bring me joy? The good things bring the spirit-etc. 

Almost instantly I received a big insight. I was mad because I did all these good things in my life for the rewards I wanted in my life. I believed that when I did the completed this mental checklist in my head, I would get the blessings or things I wanted in my life. I was upset because things were still hard, just as hard as it has always been. I believed that it would get easier based on friends comments, faith, etc. In those thoughts, I discounted everything else because I didn't care about the other futures in that situation. 

What a slap in the face! That's not how life works and I can't expect my life to mirror others. My life and my family is very different from any others in history, dynamics, etc. 

Yikes, guys. I HATE the journey, I need to look to the future with hope and stuff. I wonder if that's a serious thing that is reflective of the last 12 months. Things have been hard for everyone and it's difficult sometimes to wake up and do the adult thing every day. I have to hope things will be better in the morning, next week, next month, etc. If I don't have that kind of hope and faith in the future, I would probably just quit. 

I wish I had some great resolve with that self insight, but I don't. I feel really "labored" and definitely would like things to be easier sometimes (especially with parenthood/church). Why does it always feel like there's more fight than follow inn the things that matter? That seems a little unfair. "I didn't say it would be easy. I only said it would be worth it." 

Le Sigh.

Hindsight is always 2020

Literally, it's New Year's Eve this very minute and this is when I finally pull out the good ol' blog for old time sake. Surprise, surprise. In January 2020, I made zero predictions or expectations for the new year. For the first time in a long time, I let it ride.  By ride, I meant the good times. I did not expect 2020 to be so full of natural disasters, global pandemic, political turmoil, and racial discontent. 

With events so large looming over 2020, my look back at the year feels so narrow. It's like standing at the top of a giant mountain and looking back for that super cool patch of dandelions you saw at mile two. 

So just a minute, while I pull on my figurative binoculars for a look back at 2020 and it's impact/events on me and my family.

1. Myriad and me: In September I started back at Myriad as an Authorization Specialist. Thanks to the pandemic, Myriad opened up a ton of work from home positions. I wasn't planning on applying until next year when Emily would be in school full time, but the opportunity was too good to pass up.

Our cute little family 8 years ago

2. Refinance: Dave and I bought our house in 2012, in the middle of a really intense recession. The price was really good. It was still pretty high by our standards at the time, but it has paid off. We refinanced to a shorter loan timeframe and a much better interest rate. 

3. Monet in Training: Cami tried something new this year. She took an art class twice from Milk & Cookies art class. 

4. Dancing Queen: Emily wanted to continue with dance this year and wanted to try ballet dance. This girl dances ALL the time inside and outside of class. 

Not swimming,
but better than nothing :)

5. Swim Class: We hit the swim classes for both girls at the rec center this year. It was a lot closer and less intense to get them to class. While Emily did great, Cami really excelled this year with swimming. We lucked out with a private class (thanks to no one else enrolling in the class). Cami's teacher, Ashley, really pushed her beyond her comfort level. Cami hated that, but it was cool to see her really break free of those limits. 

6. Bike: During the beginning of 2020 we bought Cami yet another bike. She grows through them so quick, I feel like we buy them every year. This year was totally worth it. After only two practices at the church, she had it down. She spent a lot of the summer days biking with her friends in the neighborhood. 

7. Kindergarten: This year was a big year for Emily in a lot of ways. The biggest way is her transition into elementary school. She started kindergarten at the same school Cami attends. She even landed Cami's old elementary school teacher (who we loved when Cami was in kindergarten).

8. Georgia Peaches & Florida Beaches: We had a lot of trips planned for 2020: a fun trip for Emily's 5th birthday, Ohio to visit my sister's family, and Georgia to visit Dave's sister. We pushed them all back with the pandemic hanging over all long distance travel. We opted to only have on trip this year: Georgia with Dave's sister around Thanksgiving. All four of us haven't been Georgia and the idea of spending sometime away from the house was too good to pass up. After a wonderful Thanksgiving with the Smith's in Georgia, we rented a beach house in Destin, Florida for the most wonderful three day weekend of my life. Warm beach kinetic-sand and bright clear turquoise ocean really wrapped up 2020 on a positive note. 

9. Working From Home: With the pandemic's nasty appearance at Verizon really fast, Dave transitioned to working from home. The transition was pretty rough for Dave at first. The transfer of programs and materials together with setting up a work area took a little effort. Overall, having Dave work from home has been so great for our family. He's more present throughout the day during breaks and lunches.

10. Dave Works It; Dave has really worked hard this year with his overall health. He consistently works out and ha been counting calories. His program is set up slow, but he still lost 30+ pounds this year and managed to keep them off! 

11. Space Work: I almost wrote an entire novel this year. I say almost because I'm still 3.5 chapters off. It's still a really great accomplishment considering I worked full time for 1/3 of the year. This book is a science fiction book that's been building in my head for over five years. I'm really excited for it to come to fruition this year. The narrative is pretty straightforward and it's a first person book. I love it and I'm stoked to finish it this year, but that's another post. 

Old and busted.
I guess no picture of the new one.

12. Backyard: Our home project this year changed to our backyard. We got a gazebo and some outdoor furniture so that we can start to enjoy our backyard with the kids. It was rocky at first, the first one we bought fell apart in it's first storm two weeks later. We picked a stronger/sturdier one and it's managed to stay put-even through 100+ mph winds we had late summer.

13. Brace Free: Cami completed her first round (and hopefully her only round) of braces and was able to get them removed in February. It was a little more traumatic for a kid to get them removed than put on, but it's good to be brace-free again with her cute smile.

14. McHarper Manor Arts & Crafts: As the pandemic tightened it's hold and the chances of returning to school dwindled, I found this super rad group called McHarper Manor. They are an art class company in Cincinnati, Ohio that offered their classes for free at the end of 2019-2020 school year. The kids and I jumped on the train (irregularly sometimes) and totally embraced the inner creative. Seriously, it was so much fun to spend the extra time together doing something creative and fun.

15. Silverheart: The blessing our family needed entered our family in February. She is a precious kitty boo boo. She actively tries not to scratch people and love cuddles and pets. She may be the best thing to happen in 2020.

I think that considering the challenges that we faced during 2020, the year actually went pretty well. I really enjoyed looking back at these highlights and seeing the extra time we were able to spend together as a family. That time is when we built stronger relationships between each other. I love that! 

I also really see how we embraced our creative bones this year with art classes and painting. 

Prior to getting a job, 2020 brought me a lot of anxiety and a breakdown nearly every week. I'm a pretty social creature and I missed my friends immensely. 2020 forced me to step outside of myself in different ways and look for ways to help other people because I know that it hasn't been as kind to other people. 

I'm a fan y'all. 2020 was about creativity and love. What's better than that?