Swim

Let's be real, sometimes things are really hard.  Sometimes little things mean the world or feels like the end of it.
Today has been really hard.  I'm not going to whine and complain about the things I struggle with.  I want to talk about the power of music.
I usually listen to podcasts at work.  If you told me five or ten years ago that I would be listening to psuedo talk radio for entertainment at work,  I would have laughed for days.  These podcasts are in no way depressing ; they are an odd collection of stories from history,  writing tips, movie reviews and audio books.
This week felt hard due to my unlisted frustrations. Twice I turned on "Pandora" at work and in less than 20 minutes,  I felt better.
One artist speaks to me more than others:Andrew McMahon.  He has a few different music projects and every one has at least one song that has held my crazy brain together.
There's "Cecilia and the Satellite" that shield to me on multiple levels as a parent and as someone s kid.
Today's song I've heard probably a hundred times from his band,  Jack's Mannequin-Swim.   It's so perfect for today.  The lyric that stuck out at grabbed my ears forcefull was "you gotta swim and swim when it hurts.... you haven't come this far too fall off the earth. "
Sometimes life isn't like stupid happy mom blogs or picture perfect moments.  Sometimes it's drifting and you are swimming to stay afloat.  In those moments, you may find what you need in a tune or a lyric.
Thanks, Andrew McMahon. Ill swim today.

Worth it moment

Yesterday was a hard day. Full time working mom with young kids burns me out.  Thursdays can be especially bad.  Emily has been teething and Cami is in full defiant,  not-listening mode.  I even sent her to time out.
Twenty minutes after bed time,  Cali
Cami starts yelling.
As usual,  her blankets are "all scrumpous".
While I'm pulling her blankets tight around her she keeps talking.
"I feel better now , mommy"
"I'm glad.  I'm sorry you had a hard time today. " I say,  thinking of the screaming, telling and 'I'm not doing that'.
"Tomorrow I can try to do better. " It's said perfectly ,  with no hesitation. "I will listen to grandma. " (she's going to my mom's for the weekend today).
I say something totally out of a book, "It's true tomorrow is a new day. "
After spending the afternoon in frustrated tears,  I needed to hear my own advice too. One day at a time.

This journey

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt

This Fight

Work has been really slow lately. It makes the days feel long and my mind more crazy.
At work, we have patient speakers come and talk to us. They tell their story to reminds us of the impact of our work and to share their experience living with a hereditary cancer syndrome.
It's very powerful to hear people empowered and taking their life back from generic predisposition.
I get something more. I remember applying/interviewing and knowing this was where I belong. I'm not here to earn a paycheck; we don't really need it.
My dad's cancer is not hereditary (as far as science can tell), but if genetic testing could save his life, I would fight for it.
Sitting in the  auditorium, I felt him. I really believe he put me here.
I'm fighting for wonderful people to live until their 90, see their kids and grandkids grow up. I can't go back in time and save my dad, but each genetic test I fight for gives knowledge and power to others.

Utah Religion

I'm about to get on my soap box and things are about to get real personal.
I am a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. This weekend was General Conference , where twice a year we are taught in a weekend long conference by the leaders of the church.
Almost immediately following this conference, this post started to circulate among my friends and their social media

I take offense to everything about this post. Only in Utah would this be OK and draw so many tears. She is outright portraying herself as better than this man at first by appearance and second by spirit. His appearance in the conference center changed her heart. The physical appearance or presence of anyone should never be a big deal. The gospel is about equality and love. Her post shows none of that beyond her selfish recognition. Did she speak with him? Did she tell him she felt this way? I find it disturbing that her feelings weren't from her presence there, from anyone besides someone with a past. People with a past are not at church to improve your testimony or remind you of Christ.
You could argue that she was staying that physical appearance doesn't matter while he is in a holy place, but the fact that she brings it up at all shows otherwise.
I stopped going to church for a few years. The people I knew and interacted with did not seem to see what I wore and didn't care about my past choices. They cared about how I felt in the moment and the present situation I was living in.
I have a testimony of the church. I know it's true. I feel so much joy when I'm there, but when some members open their mouths, I lose it. I feel separate and aware of my imperfections. Aware of mistakes that I've repented for and aware that my dress is too frumpy.
Christ didn't see me that way and he doesn't see that man that way. My mistakes, visible or not do not matter. He sees us all as works in progress. He sees our heart and our spirit. Wake up, Utah. We're more than our visible appearance and past errors. We are the same. Let our religion be in our hearts.

The Resurrection

"Resurrection" has been on my mind this weekend.
Facebook is full of spiritual declarations , but that's not really my style and that's not why it's been on my mind.
Yesterday I trekked a 1.25 hour drive to Mapleton by myself for an extended family Easter egg hunt and lunch.
We used to make a similar drive when I was a kid out to Provo to see my grandparents. My brothers, sister and I would argue occasionally about who saw the crisp, white "Y"on the mountain.
Yesterday I caught sight of the letter and tried to point it out to Cami.
The drive there and back felt so lonely. Dave was working, of course. More than that, I missed my dad.
He used to play the alphabet game with us, pointing out any pizza sign or quilt shop to help us out. Or the cheesy dad jokes to make us giggle and roll our eyes.
Easter means I will see him again. "though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God"
The first time I heard that phrase in a general conference talk, I saw my dad. He sees God. One day, I will see him and God. Christ's resurrection connects me forever to my father and his father forever. Its love. It's easter.

Dreaming of sweet 2016

Here we are 40 days into 2016 and I haven't posted my predictions or anticipations for the year.
I ended 2015 feeling depressed, burned out and incredibly lonely. I'd like to say 2016 will be great; full of happiness and excitement- but you know, life happens.
It will hold wonderful moments , but it will be challenging.

1. Alternating Schedules: Three weeks ago Dave started a new schedule.  As a result of poor  management decisions and lay offs, he works 11am-830pm with Tuesday/Wednesday off. He gets home 20 min after the kids are in bed. Aka 3 days a week work 8 hrs making money and 6 hours trying to minimize stress, crying and life of both girls and 2 days a week I shuffle the kids through church and Saturday clean up.  By the time Dave gets home, I am nearly sleeping on the couch. Goodbye date nights out even time to watch a show together. Its awful, lonely and exhausting.
2. Preschool: Dave is taking advantage of the extra time in the morning to get Cami involved at a local preschool. She LOVES preschool. She is great with letters and numbers already, but preschool will help with structure and to help her grow. By the end of the year, she will learn so much. I hope to get her involved in some sport too. She's getting so big! 😢
3. Walking and Talking: Emily is right on target for gross motor development. She's been crawling for a while and pulls herself into standing on a few reachable furniture. She's on her way to walking very soon. She's a happy baby and doesn't say much that I can understand right now, but by the end of the year she will have some vocabulary.
4. Less one doctor, plus one: Another big  development is the removal of her helmet forever. We finally completed the helmet/shaping process. It was hard, but it was worth it. Her ratios are normal and all looks well as far as the shape off her head. I've gotten used to comments and questions about the helmet, none of which are hurtful or accusing. It's wonderful to see a much happier, albeit clumsier baby.
This year also holds a small surgery fur baby girl. The muscles in her left eyelid are loose and after her first birthday, we've got a surgery scheduled to tighten the muscles so as to not interfere with her vision in the future.
5. Genetics: Healthcare with isn't in my blood, but genetics feels like home. My job as a Genetics Patient Advocate will have ups and downs, but I don't see any big changes, promotions or layoffs in my future. I made a positive impact in the territory I work along Genetic Counselors last year and it will continue to grow. I love working with them and I love making a difference everyday.
6. Finish It: 2015 was an inspiration. I started listening to writing podcasts at work and I finished my dad's book. It's my turn. Last month I finished Part 1 of my book with four more plot lines to go. It's very rough writing, but I'm going to finish it this year-at least a draft.
7. Werk it: There have been a few years where I make goals of running races or losing "X" pounds. This year I'm not making any goals I can't guarantee. With a second kid not quite at full mobility, who is both super clumsy and cuddly; I'm not going to have the time or energy to devote to getting fit. Instead this year, I will be more active. It's a vague, but achievable goal through walks, work out programs and playing with the kids. I want my time to be valuable.
8. Extended Family: Early this year Dave's sister and brother welcomed two babies into their individual families. Stacey and Derek welcomed baby boy Beckett in January and a few weeks later Jeff and Leslie brought baby girl Isla into the family. Dave's family is growing exponentially every year, but my side will remain pretty static this year unless my baby brother makes some big plans.

This year looks boring on paper filled with the same things from past years on repeat. 2016 started on an uphill battle, let's hope we reach some great heights and catch some  breaks in our challenges.