Choices and Faith

This post is very close to my heart. I didn't want to post it because it's so personal, but my heart tells me I need to share this experience.

When I reached adulthood, I made a lot of choices. Good and bad documented in detail through this blog. I made some choices based on my gut and what I felt like doing. Some decisions I made with serious thought and sincere prayers with Heavenly Father. He answered my prayers with "yes" or "no" or "not right now". 

Years later I come back to these decisions and I don't understand them. I think about them and I feel a lot of doubt. Why did He tell me "yes", this is really hard and I don't know what I am doing. Or why did he say "no", things would be better if it was that way now. Or why did he say "not now", I was ready then and now I'll never be ready.

While showering or getting ready for the day, I think about these internal fights of mine with old decisions. If I should change them now. It's never too late to change. Being human means you can change and fix your life to become something you want. 

Saturday while straitening my hair, I was thinking about this and getting very mad. Fighting with yourself in a schizophrenic like way can feel so frustrating. Then it hits me like a hammer. "Those answers aren't wrong. They are right and eternally correct. Your choice here is to follow Heavenly Father's plan or not. It may be hard and lonely sometimes, but His answer for you is right. He'll take care of the situation. He'll take care of you. You just need to "go where He wants you to go" and it will be fine. 

Timeline doesn't matter to Heavenly Father when there is eternity. It's forever. In the spiritual plane, it's only seconds of life. Everything follows His will and plan. 

I'm 30 years old and I'm still learning about faith. Cami and I were reading the illustrated scriptures the other day and Alma is talking about faith. To illustrate it, I covered her eyes and I said something like, "Can you see me? You know I'm here because you can hear me and you can see me. You don't know what I'm doing, but you know I'll keep you safe and I'll take care of you because I'm your mom and I love you."

Well, I need to switch those words around a big and remember. Heavenly Father's got my back. I don't need to understand the plan, timeline, or His answers. I need to act on those answers with faith. It will work out. 

Vulnerable and Inadequate

One of my biggest weaknesses is self doubt. When I was a kid, I remember feeling hurt because I knew they would rather play with someone else besides me.

When I turned 12, it grew worse. Puberty worked a bad number on me and my appearance. I broke out in the worst way and I was tall and bigger boned. I felt ugly and stupid. I had really bad depression that year. I think the only thing that gave me peace that year was my English teacher. She embraced and encouraged me. 

In high school, it didn't go any better. I had a few acquaintances in different circles, but I didn't really feel at home in any of those groups. I liked rock music, but I didn't love heavy metal-so I didn't fit in with the punks/metal heads. I was smart, but not straight A's and freaking out with A minus- so the nerds with their Advanced Trig books or AP Chemistry wasn't for me. I was definitely not a cheerleader or in the popular crowd, I wasn't pretty enough or peppy enough. I've never felt more average in my life. Guys didn't look at me, unless I spoke to them. I didn't date until my Senior year and even then, I did the asking and planning. I'm sure they were humoring me and being nice.

In college, I threw myself into activities. Intramural cross country, adventure racing, country dancing (believe it or not). I dreamed big and let loose. I developed close friendships and dated some. It was huge, but time destroys dreams and beat on a person. 

After college I fell. I fell hard into a life that wasn't for me. A life of alcohol, parties, and poor decisions. I thought it was wonderful to let go and feel release. I never felt so relaxed and comfortable in my own skin, but people take advantage of that in a lot of ways. Those choices destroyed me and it took me a long time to build up Michelle' again. I'm still working on the foundation.

I have a family now: a husband and two girls. My time as a wife and mother diminished the feelings or worthlessness and self-depracation, but they are still there. Tonight I feeling inadequate again.  

I don't have a full time job anymore (outside of being a stay at home mom). I feel that loss in a big way of the financial support I provided our family. I made decent money at my job, but laundry and dishes feel like a poor substitute to the paychecks I once received. 

These days I donate plasma. It provides a few hundred a month and they have a daycare, so it doesn't feel like a strain on my family the way my job did. I miss making money and feeling like I could indulge on clothes and toys for the girls with whims. 

Church is a hard thing to talk about on this blog. I know there are readers who don't care of about my church stories or my struggles with the gospel, but that's a whole different piece of inadequacy. 

My calling is in Activity Days, specifically with 8-9 year old girls. I work hard coming up with ideas and ways to work on their tasks for achievement, but it's starting to wear on me. The activities are only one hour, but I lose their attention so quickly and they get frustrated with the crafts or plans I make. It's so discouraging to work hard and feel like they hate it. This week I tried to think of craft that would be fun so I wouldn't be the leader that just gave boring lectures. Instead of embracing the craft, the girls said it was too hard and frustrating. I watched their frustration and it hurt. I'm trying.

The past two nights have been very hard on my family. The girls have been sick. Cami has para-influenza or some sort of flu that's deep in her chest. It's developed into a croup-like cough that could last two weeks (according to the pediatrician). Emily had a bad stomach bug and couldn't keep anything down for longer than an hour. As a result, their nights have not been great. Last night Cami coughed and woke Emily up, who decided to sing for a long time. Emily would fall asleep and Cami would start coughing again. Emily did not take a nap today. She fought me on bedtime too. I feel exhausted. I need a break. Sometimes I feel like I'm not made to be a mom. Sometimes their screams and whines are hard. 

I dream of publication of a novel. I finished one this year and I have been editing it for some time. It's not amazing and will never be the next great American novel. I haven't submitted it anywhere yet (still editing), but I already hear the rejections. Rejection is part of creation, but I worry about the complete rejection. It will break me so much that after 10 plus years on this book. This piece of me that no one wants. Isn't that the way of everything of mine?

I still hate the way I look too. I look in the mirror and I don't see anyone worthwhile. 

i workout 6-7 days a week, but the fat still shows more than my strength. I see women around me who look gorgeous and refined. I feel so frumpy, like my body hangs loose around me like a deflated balloon, with lumps and stretched parts. Then there's my face with such wonderful skin prone to breakouts. I thought I would grow out of these things, but there they are staring me in the face. 

I guess I can't get rid of myself. If only my life was a slate that I could reset and recreate with more precision. This person I created in 30 years is someone so weak and broken. 

The challenges create blessings

A long time ago my older brother gave me the best advice of my life, "If you are doing everything you can, you will not be denied any of the blessings/promises."

I shared this thought at church the other day-not really seeing it and saying it more as a reminder and comforting statement.

I'm beginning to see it.

Cameron, my hardest baby and the most stubborn kid in the world. Her firm attitude is not just for what she wants to do, eat or sit. Since her first day in nursery, she has loved church. She practically counts down the days each week. Every week that I've struggled, she is there with those bright eyes asking me if we were going to church. 

When I feel alone in my choices and desires, she's been there to carry my resolve and push me.

I've tried to introduce more of the gospel in our home and there is no resistance from Cami. She embraces it as though these principles have always been there. 

She was once my biggest challenge, the biggest fight-and now she's my blessing. 

Answers

Answers

M

mytate@juno.com

Mon 9/19/2016 2:12 PM

Inbox

To:

devil_chair@hotmail.com;

Heads Up: This is a very religious post. So either move on or gear up.

Since Emily was born, I've super struggled with church. If you didn't know that, cruise back through the posts and you will see and feel it in my words.

It's taken me a really long time to feel okay to even be inside a church. I've stumbled many times, picked up and stumbled for years-YEARS.  The day I finally took the sacrament again, I felt so much joy in my life again that I told myself I'd do everything I could to stay worthy of that blessing. 

I've been at it for five years to the best of my ability, but it's hard. It's really hard. I've made the clear in many posts.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I usually go to Gospel Essentials because I love the focus on the Savior and the hard basics.  Yesterday, the cancelled it because they were doing some teacher improvement class or something. 

The teacher isn't very great and I feel empty.  No spirit, no community-nothing.  I feel frustrated because I'm working so hard for the Spirit. I'm trying to keep it in my life-despite everything and it's gone.  I feel frustrated and lonely.

Technology is crazy. My friend "liked" some article by Al Carraway.  I don't love her. She strikes me as an uppity church person, who talks down to people and unconsciously sends the message, "Look how great I've become, you can too" and it's a load of garbage.

Her article, found here, was on her broken engagement and her awful feelings regarding trials. She talks about all the things she learned, which I skimmed because she was righteous when she had these trials and so it didn't feel applicable.  Then there was this section that slapped me so hard. 

"Do not let time and trials dim your faith or diminish the truthfulness of His promises to you.  Never lose confidence, His promises are so real.  There are far, far better things ahead, I promise.   God promises. That's what I love about Him, you will never be short changed from the best blessings ever.  Your prayers have been heard.  But greater are the things He has in store for you.  Receive the unexpected but profoundly greater path with the best blessings."

Initially I feel like it's easy for her to say. She hasn't experienced what I have, but that's not the point.

I could copy and paste the full last half of this article because it spoke so strongly to me.  Faith isn't easy.  Going to church every Sunday and reading your scriptures may feel hollow now, but that doesn't mean I'm forgotten, doesn't mean I'm alone. Covenants are sacred and if I'm doing my part, Heavenly Father will take care of it-take care of me.

Utah Religion

I'm about to get on my soap box and things are about to get real personal.
I am a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. This weekend was General Conference , where twice a year we are taught in a weekend long conference by the leaders of the church.
Almost immediately following this conference, this post started to circulate among my friends and their social media

I take offense to everything about this post. Only in Utah would this be OK and draw so many tears. She is outright portraying herself as better than this man at first by appearance and second by spirit. His appearance in the conference center changed her heart. The physical appearance or presence of anyone should never be a big deal. The gospel is about equality and love. Her post shows none of that beyond her selfish recognition. Did she speak with him? Did she tell him she felt this way? I find it disturbing that her feelings weren't from her presence there, from anyone besides someone with a past. People with a past are not at church to improve your testimony or remind you of Christ.
You could argue that she was staying that physical appearance doesn't matter while he is in a holy place, but the fact that she brings it up at all shows otherwise.
I stopped going to church for a few years. The people I knew and interacted with did not seem to see what I wore and didn't care about my past choices. They cared about how I felt in the moment and the present situation I was living in.
I have a testimony of the church. I know it's true. I feel so much joy when I'm there, but when some members open their mouths, I lose it. I feel separate and aware of my imperfections. Aware of mistakes that I've repented for and aware that my dress is too frumpy.
Christ didn't see me that way and he doesn't see that man that way. My mistakes, visible or not do not matter. He sees us all as works in progress. He sees our heart and our spirit. Wake up, Utah. We're more than our visible appearance and past errors. We are the same. Let our religion be in our hearts.

My dad hangs loose

When my dad passed away three years ago I wanted to make a difference and I wanted a way for my children to get to know him in a way. I just finished this massive book project with pictures, articles, stories and other things he created.  The thing I miss the most is his stories. I wish I could remember more of them. So I'm tossing this one into the world of the internet because it's my favorite.

When my dad was little he moved around a ton. His parents were divorced and his dad was int he military. When he lived with his dad in the summers and around holidays, it was usually near military bases.

When he was around eight or nine, he lived in San Diego.  He had a few friends in the neighborhood, Army Brats like he was, and they lived by a military dump of some sort.

This place was like heaven to my dad and his friends. They were eager to explore and some of the dumped poles jutted from the trash piles in odd angled that would be so great for hanging.

My grandpa wasn't stupid. He knew my dad and he knew that kids would be kids and they would probably go right for the stuff at the dump. Before he went to work my grandpa pulled my dad aside and specifically told him to not play in the dump. There were a lot of things that could hurt him.

My dad played like he was listening, but like most kids, he ran there as soon as his dad left for work.

The dump was like an old boat graveyard, with long poles and hooks all around that made for great playing. They would climb aboard and pretend like they were captains or seamen.

At one point, my dad got brave and started climbing along one of the poles. He stood on the edge and probably let out a Tarzan yell or something and he felt his feet slip.  He was pretty high in the air on the pole and grasped desperately in the air for something to catch him.  

There were two hooks along the pole, probably for hoisting ropes or sails. That day, they did an extra job and caught my dad by his wrist.  

So there he was hanging by his wrists to this pole in a boat dump.  His little brother was with him and immediately ran for help.

My dad described it so terrifying, hanging there by his wrists, which sounds pretty painful and not quite sure what was going to happen.

At that very moment, his dad rushed from work and while driving home he saw my dad hanging there from the freeway. 

My grandpa rescued him and he had to get stitches on both of his wrists. My dad used to show me his wrists with their matching scars as an illustration to always listen to your parents. They know what's going on and they know how to keep you safe. 

I usually share this story in church because of the multiple meanings from this story. It's really so relatable.  

As a parent now, I get it even more. Dave and I are like crazy people with our girls.  Emily is starting to learn to sit on her own, but she will never sit alone for many months because we always put ourselves ready to catch her.  Cami is wild and loves to run and play, "Not too fast, Cami, I don't want you to fall."  

There's this great song that plays on the radio these days called, "Cecilia and the Satellite".  The artist wrote the song for his daughter to explain the bridge from life before her to life after her birth. There's this line that always gets me as a child about my parents and as a parent of children, "I'd keep you safe. I'd keep you dry. Don't be afraicd, Cecilia, I'm the satellite."  

2015

It's difficult to think of the year to come, 2015 looks pretty slow for our family. It's almost a full month into 2015 and it's time to just post this blog entry, with or without pictures.  Number one on the list is the biggest for our family in almost three years.

Right now, me at 29.5 weeks

1. Julia/Juliet/Julianne: First, we're narrowing in on a final name for baby girl. No secret or surprise here. This is the biggest thing of 2015 ever.  We have about 9.5 weeks before we meet her for real. It's both terrifying and exciting at the same time. I haven't made it any secret that Cami was a very difficult baby, but I have also been reassured by mothers everywhere that no baby is the same and really it can only get better.  Either way I get to look forward to another three months feeling like a balloon/punching bag, then labor/childbirth and then adjusting to EVERYTHING all over again.  We handled baby Cam pretty well, we can do this again.....right? We are a lot better off in many ways this time around and I feel like we have a better support network in our house as well. I'm excited to see her, she's going to be beautiful.

2. Family Babies: Outside of our baby, only one baby has been announced on Dave's side.  The pregnancy isn't official yet, so I don't want to give it away.  It is the only other baby on both families and the cousin closest in age to Julie. They will only be about 2.5 months apart. I'm excited. I know they are hoping for a boy, but I'm hoping for another girl cousin for Julie to play with. As seen with Cami & Anderson, they play okay together, but they still have different interests (Ghostbusters/Mario vs. Dora//Daniel Tiger). I'm willing to bet another Hunt family member will be pregnant by the end of the year. Dave's family is still growing, while the Tate side is slowing down.

3. Cami:  I'd like to think we'll conquer the "potty monster" this year, but I don't know if we will really push it with both of us working and a new baby, we'll provider her the tools/tips and she'll catch on when she's ready. "No kid ever goes on their honeymoon with diapers."

This year could be huge for Cam's growth. I think because of her expanding understanding/knowledge and the big changes our family will experience this year, she may have a rough year.  I'd like to get her involved in some learning program/preschool. I think she'll miss the deadline this year because her birthday is in October, but I'm hoping to encourage some growth on the things she already understands.

4. Let's Get Physical: Before we decided to have a baby, I was pretty active with running and working out.  At about week 6, the thought of working out in any way, shape or form made me gag. Then there was the morning sickness and as soon as that left there's been the muscle pains and Braxton Hicks contractions.  Not exactly conducive to good health/fitness.  It's January and while everyone is making goals to get fit or active. I'm setting up some distant plans.  Looks like July, I should be good to go with my activity level again. I can't wait to run, exert some sort of energy that won't send me puking or collapsing on myself. My goal is to run a 5k this year. It's a low goal, but I figure with two kids, time for running may be minimal.

Our fancy new electrical panel
in the basement

5. Basement: Our basement will be finished this year. That is so weird to say out loud. We always pushed that priority out and never expected to finish into the third year at this house.  I'm excited to paint and rearrange things downstairs. I'm really nervous to paint or do anything to the upstairs because people see it and judge the crap out of your upstairs. No one will see downstairs besides family and friends. I feel like I have a little bit more of a creative reign in the "Nerd Lair".

These are my sweet puppets
I made for a lesson

 6. CTR: At the beginning of this year, the Primary Presidency moved me up a few years. I now teach 5 & 6 year-old's and I'm very happy.  There are about 5-6 of these kids and they are amazing.  They listen really well and participate.  It's very different from Sunbeams.  2015 has had a rough start for Sharing Time. Cam is very good about going to her class, but as soon as we get to Sharing Time, she knows I'm there and REFUSES to sit with her class. It's very difficult to juggle my wound up class and Cami at the same time with her demands and expectations from "mommy".  I'll likely be released when I have the baby and hopefully she will be a little bit better when I am not within her sight range.

7. Dad's Book:  I know some people think it's ridiculous how much I talk, blog and such about my dad. I'm sure some people chalk it up to losing a parent or what-not.  One thing my dad dreamed about his whole life was publishing a book. He was insanely creative and spent a lot of his free time writing or brainstorming books.  Due to his dreams, he had file folders filled with church talks, letters, stories, ideas, etc. My mom talked about scanning it all and giving it to the family on a cd. I have much bigger plans.  I've been working on a book featuring everything my dad has ever written.  It's a long time coming and I have a goal to get it done this year. It would mean a lot to my dad, my family and me to have his dreams before us in something physical we can hold in our hands to pass down through generations. 

Obligatory 2014 Hunt Recap

I am not a very good blogger, being a working mom takes up every single minute. There is one blogging tradition I remain faithful too. My year in review post is my favorite blog post to do. 

This year has been a really eventful and really great year for my family and me.

  

1.Debt Free: Starting January 3rd I will be virtually debt free (outside of our mortgage). This year will accomplished our goal and paid off both my car and my student loan.  It's a huge step to reduce our debt and be able to put money into more of our long term debts like Dave's student loans for his Master's degree or our house and finally start saving for Cam's college.

2. Baby Girl Hunt:  This year we started planning for baby in January 2014. It was a lot of planning to make sure we were ready in every sense for another baby. We found out she was a girl in November and we're so excited for another beautiful curly haired little girl. The early ultrasounds scared us good with some choloroid cysts, but we also learned that it was not a genetic defect and the cysts would likely go away and have zero effect on her growth an development. Also, due to the blood clot when I was pregnant with Cameron, I'm on blood thinner shots. It's a lot less painful this time around. Maybe I'm just getting used to getting shots. To say that this baby is already a lot of work is a huge understatement.

3. Promotion: Last year I predicted that 2014 was going to be the year for Dave's job and I was right. A few months into the year he was promoted to Technology Solutions Supervisor.  He also had the opportunity to act as Area Director for a few weeks this month while his boss was on vacation.  It has definitely been a good year for Dave's job. He has always worked so hard at his job and it's good for him to finally get recognized and be able to work in a higher capacity.

Carl, Dave, Paul  at Youth Conference 2000

4. The World Loses Good Men:  This year was a hard one for Dave (and me), but more so Dave.  He grew up with a group of guys in South Jordan, Utah. One of those guys, Paul, passed away this summer. Dave was really close with Paul and although I did not have that same friendship, his passing affected me too. He was a really great man; cheerful and constantly friendly. I still cry when we talk about him and Dave connects a lot of his childhood memories with him. It's hard to lose someone too early.

On a different level, my Grandpa Bockholt passed away a few months ago. He was older and recently diagnosed with lung cancer and due to his huge testimony he was ready and willing to move on to better things.  I loved him a lot,

Grandpa Bockholt with his famous smile

he had a big impact on my father's upbringing and as a product of that, he had a big impact on my growth and development. I have felt the weight of the passing of these men. The world needs more like them, not less.

5. Cam-Cam:  She's gigantic and constantly learning and growing. This year has been a fun with her for sure.  She talks non-stop and loves reading. One of her favorite places is the library.  Recently, we discovered she has a knack for tracing letters too.
The other day her Nursery class came into Sharing Time to ease them into the Primary process. I sat behind her and watched her sitting in her chair, watching the chorister with her hands folded in her lap. It blows me away how big she is getting.
This year I had set the tentative goal of potty-training, but after three failed attempts and under our pediatrician's reassurance, decided that she wasn't ready and to be honest Dave and I probably weren't ready for that gigantic elephant of a problem yet.
She has found her own interests this year including: books are a continuous theme with her, Dora the Explorer, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood, Frozen (just like all little girls), Play Doh, letter blocks and playing pretend with her figurines/baby doll. It's adorable to see her take her toys for walks around the house in stroller/coach them on using the potty/put them down for naps. She's becoming such a little person.

6. Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam Again:. I received my first church calling in four years as a Sunbeam teacher. There are only four kids in my class, four very rambunctious four-year-olds that feel like 15 kids.  It's been a challenging calling, but it's nice to talk about the gospel basics and interact with the innocent and happy kids. They are cheerful bright kids only about a year older than Cam. A few of my lessons have been really great for them and it's fun to see things click in their heads the seeds that will grow as they learn and grow.

7. Braces Be Gone:  Best post birthday gift ever. After two years of metal mouth, cutting sandwiches and brushing my teeth after every snack/meal; they finally came off. I've been pretty self-conscious about crooked teeth my whole life and it feels so good to finally have the smile I imagined.  I don't stop smiling and laughing anymore because I don't ever feel awkward about whether people are laughing with me or staring at my teeth.

8. Auntie M: This year was a big baby year for both Tate and Hunt families. On Dave's side, two cute little girls were born: Evelyn & Macie. On the Tate side, handsome little Curtis was born.
Being an aunt is a lot of fun, you get to do a lot of the playing and smiling, and skip out on the super whiny times, poopy diapers and screaming at night.
It's so fun to be with them and see their personalities develop as they grow and learn.

9. The Wedding Game:  This year featured two weddings on the Tate side. My beautiful niece married her long-time boyfriend Angel and moved back to Ohio to live with her family.  I wasn't able to make it, but it looks like it was a great time.
My mom married an old friend from the old neighborhood this year. I've known him almost my whole life. They used to double date when I was a kid. They reconnected over genealogy last year after his wife passed away.  I love that my mom married Jim. He's a really good man and they are so cute and happy together. At first it was a little difficult because things were so different, especially teaching Cameron to call Jim "grandpa". It felt a little awkward and wrong to me, but he is a great grandpa for Cameron and I can see his love and care for her grow.

10. Updates: This year we had a full house. The three of us lived upstairs and Dave's sister Heather and her family lived in the basement (Josh & baby Macie).  They moved out at the beginning of December just in time for the power downstairs to freak out.  We already knew that the previous home owners were diy type of people, but they did a pretty awful job with an ancient panel and the basement drawing the majority of it's power from the A.C. unit.  A few weeks ago we called up Home Advisor for a well-reviewed electrician and he's been working on the electrical this week.  It will be so nice to have a really good basement for spare bedrooms for family, play room and a really good entertainment room I have fondly nick-named the "Nerd Lair" (more on that in next year's post).

11. Family Vacation: This is a first for our little family. Sure, we make the yearly camping and extended family gatherings with my mom/company and Dave's mom/company, but this year we decided it was time to share some experiences together without the extras.  As a bonus, Dave's brother's family lives in San Diego and Cameron is absolutely in love with seeing "fishies" at the aquarium in Utah.  Cami loved the flight and giggled hysterically through take-off. While in San Diego we played at Sea World, San Diego Zoo and during a rainy day we visited the gigantic Nicklecaid world of Dave & Buster's. Sea World was by far the best experience I have ever had on a vacation. The park was empty (thanks to a cooler day and a Thursday in December) and Cam absolutely LOVED it. As a parent, when your kid is that excited and thrilled by something, you can't help but feel that same exhilaration. I can't get over how great it was. Due to baby number two, it's doubtful we will go on another big vacation like that for a few years and it's so awesome that it turned out so well with no accidents, irritations or failures. Successful Hunt Family Vacation!

12. Leer:  Last year I predicted to be once again running constantly, but I rediscovered an old hobby in reading.  This year I read 39 books and it's quite the random collection including multiple genres and ages from juvenile fiction, young adult and adult fiction.  I had a lot of favorites, but if I had to pick my favorite book that I read this year it would be "Cloud Atlas" by David Mitchell. No joke, this book is huge, bigger than the film and bigger than I realized. I felt like it was a discussion on life and choices and how to break free of the various imprisonments one can face.





As you can see this year was pretty eventful for me and my family. We have grown even closer together and have really bonded as a family. This year felt incredibly fast.  I can't believe that it's already the end of 2014. It's been a great year, nay, a FANTASTIC year. I'm sad to see it end, but I expect next year to be just as fantastic as long as I have my family, friends and neighbors.  Here's to 2015, may it bring everyone joy and love and butterflies.

Jesus Wants Me

11/19

Amy came over last night, hugging a white 3-ring binder to her chest.

Here comes my first church calling in four years. 

My last calling was as a "indexing committee member" before Cami was born, in my single's ward. Then there was a time of working weekends. When I changed jobs, somehow I snuck underneath the calling radar (thanks to a giant ward of more than 700 people). and my passivity--then they split the ward.

Bishop called me in as a primary teacher and that was the white binder Amy was carrying so tightly. That binder held the specifics of my class.

Sunbeam-Primary 1

4-5 year olds. Someone has a sens of humor. My first calling in four years  is teaching kids brand new to Primary and Sharing Time. Kids don't generally like me. Giddy-up.

12/2

I had my first lesson experience on Sunday. 

I literally spend three days and multiple hours planning and making things for them, including some pretty sweet-looking beards.

None of the kids like singing and only one of them wore a beard. My lesson took exactly 10 minutes and after coloring for 15 minutes and a matching game my partner had.  I felt like I spent three hours with a room of Cami's. Dave's church clothes were dirty, so it was me and Cam by ourselves for the last hour.  She has been in this really rebellious toddler stage lately. We went to time-out twice in the middle of church. There's a reason we sit in the back.  It was awful. I cried a lot after church. 

It's so overwhelming, on top of every day stress of work, taking care of Cami and new baby coming. I work really hard for this calling already and it seems to be so ridiculous, like teaching cows how to fly.