Love and Friendship: Butterflies & Ponies are Forever

Carl, Dave, Paul  at Youth Conference 2000

The title is deceiving. This weekend has been a rough one for my family and those close to us. One of my husband's closest friends passed away on Friday; Paul.

McInzie, Meredith, Paul, Dave, Carl and Cheyenne
October 2004; Before Paul left for bootcamp

I think I met Paul about four times.  He lived in New Jersey and lived a pretty different lifestyle than I was living at those times.  Those moments he was there were important ones for our family and his.  He and his (now) wife flew out for our wedding, and a little after Cami was born to meet her.  In turn, Dave flew out to Jersey for his wedding and we both attended the reception and mini-ceremony in Salt Lake.
Each time we met up, Paul and Leah both greeted me with hugs upon arrival and hugs when they left our house/apartment. Paul exhibited a genuine love every time. I don't mean that in a cheap way that some people say after someone passes away. Paul was an amazing man and my heart hurts that it was cut so short.
Dave grew up in a South Jordan suburb and essentially grew up with the same small group of friends: Brad, Carl, Paul and Shaun. There were a few that rotated in and out of that group. They were the closest group of friend that I have ever met.  After more than 20 years they still meet up and pick up where they left off. I'm totally not used to that. Their friendship and love is so fantastic and it makes Paul's passing that much more difficult. Love is important, but love is hard.

Carl, Dave and Paul

It's well-known in Dave's small circle that Paul has had a hard time.  He was a Marine and served over in Afghanistan or Iraq. I don't know a lot of details. He was shot pretty critically in his service and one of his legs was messed up for life. While recovering with this crazy pain in his leg, survivor guilt and PTSD; he struggled with substance abuse in pain killers and other drugs. During this rough patch, he was living in New Jersey near a VA hospital that could help him with those things. He met Leah at a bar. She was a waitress and they hit it off. They have been together for a long time and like all relationships, it wasn't perfect.
They both made mistakes. They were married last year, but marriage can't always fix things.
I was talking to Dave about love, butterflies and ponies.  When you first meet and over the course of the first year; your relationship with each other is full of gooey butterflies and ponies. After that things change and people sometimes say they fall out of love. I don't think that those feelings fade after a year.
Love, butterflies and ponies are still there when you see those closest to you; those family, friends and/or spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend. I think it's like when you make those delicious "poke cakes".
Right after you make a cake, and it's still hot, you poke some holes and pour something like caramel or sweetened condensed milk on the cake.  At first the caramel sits on top and you can see and taste it whenever you want.  Pretty soon it soaks through the holes and fills the cake with that extra spike of sugary goodness. You can't see the flavor anymore, but it's there soaking your cake in something amazing.
You may think your love is fading, that the butterflies and ponies have all run off to someone or something else; but they are just deeper, somewhere intimate and close to you. It's still there. Love changes, but it's constant as long as you are.
My husband's relationship with Paul changed due to choices and distance, but they were close friends and that doesn't change; it's just deeper. Deep enough so that you think it doesn't matter, but then something drastic changes like death or loss and they return so quick you feel like you've been hit by a bus and things will be different forever. Love didn't fade. Butterflies & ponies are forever.

Social Media Validation

Relationships and social media are tricky things to match together. In my opinion, I've removed mention of my relationships outside of my profile stating I'm "married" because I don't think social media is the place to plaster your relationships.

You all know the type I'm talking about, "I love my husband SO much, he did A, B, and C for me today" or even pictures via Instagram, "Out on a hot date with my awesome husband", etc. As a viewer of such irritating posts, I used to feel jealousy or whatever that my spouse didn't do stuff for me, but then I realize that there's a root to those posts: the validation, bragging, covering up and impersonal.

The quest for validation IS what social media has become.  People post pictures and status' to get recognition from their peers. When they say stuff like how much they love their husband, they are looking for that attention to make them feel like, "Oh, so-and-so said they wished their husband was as great as mine. I really am lucky."  Gag me now, if you need to validate your relationship and your marriage, go to the source. Go to your spouse and tell them, spend time with them instead of being online.

There is a fine line between being grateful and bragging. This line is crossed everyday sometimes multiple times online. Why do we feel that need to display what's great about our life and deny the bad?  That image-focused world won't get us anywhere better. The first brag creates a cycle and more posts and more pictures and then no one cares anyway and you get blocked. Real life isn't perfect, so why display perfection? Why shove pictures of your "wonderful" life into everyone's face?  Why not step back and see it for what it is? Flawed and beautiful; a combination that should be reveled in and not just talked about to the world. 

My next thought about these braggers is that perhaps they are trying to cover up really awful stuff.  The other day, I was listening to morning talk show and they were discussing social media and how people put on this facade for the world to see online, when real life is so much worse/better.  My coworker shared with me a story that one of her friends on Facebook always says how much she loves her husband; when in real life her husband cheated on her and was a complete douche bag, but she puts on this face for social media so that everything seems okay.  Again, if stuff isn't really okay and you are trying to lie to yourself online. Turn off the computer and go see a relationship therapist or have a real conversation with your spouse/significant other.

I don't like to post about how great my husband is because the internet is not the place.  My relationship with him is personal. It's between him and me. That's it. If I love him and I'm grateful he did something for me. I tell him in person or I do something special to show my gratitude.  Our relationship is precious and the internet is a awful, degrading place to put my love for show. A relationship is private and what goes on with us: good or bad doesn't belong on the internet. We figure out our problems and we grow; but we don't need to show everyone. We show each other, we tell each other, we love each other.....without social media.

This blog entry was a little rough to sort out my thoughts. I hope it make sense. If this article reduces "I love my husband" facebook status' or one less picture in my feed. I will have succeeded.

Hiding Pregnancy

Picture this:

You're pregnant with your first child. Baby Daddy is great.  Your relationship is fantastic and the wedding planning starts soon.  You are starting to show a small baby bump. Do you hide it or do you go with it?

I ran across this article from US Weekly Magazine with the title, "Mila Kunis Conceals Baby Bump With Channing Tatum on First Red Carpet After Pregnancy Reveal"

My mind starting spinning for multiple reasons. I'm not about to criticize a movie star for her choices, but I am going to share my opinion about early pregnancy and I'm not going to sugar coat my opinion.

Mila Kunis' story hit pretty close to home for me.  That's my story!

Here I am the day of the induction.

Not only have I been there, I've done it in Utah and an LDS congregation. Luckily I didn't start showing for a really long time, but when I started showing and I freak because I'm not married and I know that every person sitting in the magenta pews around me are judging me.  In Salt Lake County, it's not paranoia; it's truth. Pregnancy should not be associated with shame or judgement; no matter what the situation. In pregnancy, a woman is a mother. A mother is not a shameful thing. So let's stop looking women like that. Pregnancy is hard enough without those looks and thoughts. So let's start with us. Instead of looking at pregnancies as mistakes or blessings. Let's think of them as growing children with a future. Mila isn't even far enough along that she would need to hide it. So why hide it with Channing Tatum?

I can't tell you how much pregnant women irritate me on Facebook. I'm talking to you, mother who updates Facebook daily regarding the status of their pregnancy and health.  I can't wait for the 40 weeks to be done just to stop hearing about your morning sickness or growth of your baby.  Once a tri-mester or even a month is totally acceptable. Or newly pregnant women worrying about stretch marks or various physical ailments related to child bearing.  A long time ago this article circulated about the media about a woman's stretch marks are her battle wounds.  I think that the article puts a positive spin on something that many women have problems with.  Like other women, I do have stretch marks, hips and some of the physical scars from child birth will be with me forever. Why do we need to put a positive spin on something that is natural and normal? If you have stretch marks, it's okay. We have a club with stretch-mark t-shirts.  If you don't have stretch marks, I'm sure you have some other physical mark from childbirth that stresses you out equally as much. Like I said, it's the opinion of other women that can make pregnancy hard enough.
Or maybe women worry about what men are thinking when they see that "bump".  We want to be desired even though our body is changing and it's probably hard to see the changes as beautiful. It's easy to say "if they love you, they won't care" and quite another to truly believe it.  When I was pregnant with Cami, I worried so much about maintaining my physical appearance and I went to the gym every day, but the gym won't hinder the growth of that belly (which is really a good thing).  Magazines tell women it's important to be beautiful and skinny even when your pregnant. I spent so much of pregnancy worrying about that.  The first week after the birth of my beautiful monster, things completely changed for me and my husband.  Our priorities completely switched.  It wasn't about what we wanted, life was about providing our child with the best and if that meant skipping the gym 6 days a week.  It took a long time for me to realize it's okay, because we were caring for our child instead.
Mila Kunis is of a different world.  She has hair stylists, spa people, make-up people, assistants, agents, etc. that dictate what she does and where she goes. Maybe her agent shoved her into this big premier with Channing Tatum to promote their movie.  She still has the choice.  If she wasn't comfortable with the situation or her growing baby, she has the option of saying "no".  She will have to face the media eventually and some may say she is extremely brave for going. I don't say it's brave, I say uncomfortably self-aware.  The majority of pregnant women do not have other people pushing them to go places or do things that they aren't ready for. I tend to think that women don't need other people to push themselves.  We have multiple thought tabs open and multiple self-talks going every second of the day.  It's okay to take a break and it's okay to say no.  Pushing your limit is not worth the exhaustion, emotional frustration or whatever may come with pushing yourself because you feel obligated or to make anyone else happy. You need to be happy and that baby needs to be happy.
This open letter to Mila Kunis is a great reminder for distant future me and past pregnant me. There's no shame in pregnancy (planned or unplanned). The changes of pregnancy and childbirth are normal (so stop worrying and embrace yourself). Who cares what men think (unless he's Channing Tatum :), you're growing a human being and that's beautiful. Say "no" and take breaks.  If you do everything you want/need to do, you may be missing something.

Robut

Is it moun'in or moutain? Meer or mirror?

This post will be pretty short. I'm not much of a blogger these days and my daily stories aren't nearly as exciting as they used to be.

Today at work, my boss told us not to be "robuts" when we talk to patients. It was not on purpose, she was trying to sail through a lot of stuff for the team in a very short time frame. She probably just got excited or something.

Either way, I felt the rush. The same rush I experience every time I catch an oldie playing in an elevator or at the mall. The rush of remembering.

My dad. 

Bah, I'm sorry Blogger-verse. I don't know if I can ever stop posting about him. He was too great of a man and I worry so much about forgetting stuff. So when this rush comes, I want to blog about it. Share with the world or my kid(s) when they get older, so they will know him too.

My dad was an army brat of sorts and his parents divorced when my dad was 12. As a result of these two huge factors, he grew up bouncing from school to school. I think he said he had been to like 8 elementary schools or something. (It's quite possible that he said something else but I remember I was in elementary school at the time and I was all ooohhhing and awwwinngg at the thought of going to more than one school).

He talked about how hard it was for him to make friends sometimes and he developed a lot of interpersonal hobbies; like origami and picking locks.

Another result of his forced lifestyle was the way he pronounced his words. Oh, how my siblings and I used to tease him about the way he said certain words. The two big ones were the way he pronounced sorcerer (saucerer or saucer) and robot (robut).  My older brother, Derrick, used to joke with my dad, "Is there a flying saucer that casts magic in that story?" and my dad would laugh and explain it away everytime.

We laughed, but those are the weird things you remember when you get older. My dad's legacy isn't so much in the physical things he left behind but in the character he was.  The way he ate pancakes 90% of the time with peanut butter covering  all but the edges of the pancake, so you could see it begin to melt down to the plate or the way he pronounced his words.  He didn't change it because we teased him. He kept it, because that history is part of him. 

I hope Cami remembers the way I say mitten with two t's or mounTain. I'll remember the way she sings songs with me, dropping syllables all over with a bright smile across her face.  

I didn't mean to get all sentimental. I imagined this blog post would be very funny--the way us, Utahn's talk and such.  I can't help it sometimes. The rush of it all.

Twenty Fourteen

20 days into January and I finally get around to starting this blog post that will likely take me two weeks to actually complete.

Since I started tracking my years in this blog; the hard, the good, everything. It seems to be getting better each year and like previous years I'm really excited for 2014. 

1. Money Money Money: No, I'm not hitting the jackpot and our family income is not going to grow substantially.  I'm excited because we will finally pay off some big bills this year; likely the rest of Cami's birth (thanks to a week-long bed rest stay at the hospital), orthodontics and perhaps my student loans. 

Right after we got married, Dave and I haven't had an easy financial time and we've really worked our butts off to get to this point and I'm so excited for some breathing room. Quick, knock on wood. I don't want to curse myself with more debt.

2.Smiling: By summer, you don't get to call me "Brace Face" anymore. I get all of that metal crap out of my mouth this spring.  I'm so excited to have a good smile. I've never been complimented on my smile and I'm pretty used to people staring at my mouth since middle school. It will be so awesome for people not to be thinking how awful it looks or questioning my age.  

It will be worth the hours of flossing each individual tooth, incessant brushing and avoiding the foods I love.

First food on the list right out of the office is a giant Milky Way candy bar and a bite out of an apple. I daydream about this day a lot. The original estimate was March, but I've been trying to tell myself May so that if it gets pushed out, my heart will remain in tact.

3.San Diego:  We have tentative plans to visit Dave's brother, Richard & family in San Diego this summer. I'm really excited to take Cami to the San Diego Zoo and Sea World. 

She loves the Hogle Zoo and I just know her brain will explode with the scale of San Diego.

It will be nice to visit family too. Richard, Jessica and cute Madison are a perfect fit to be with. They are extremely active and we're hoping to run a half marathon with them while we are there. 

4. Year of the Book: I'm really committed to literature this year.  I spent a lot of years just doing whatever comes my way, but this year I'm for real about completing my Goodreads book goal (It's only 20 books, that's not bad) and doing some major writing on the "epic" novel I've been writing for like five years. I hope to finish it before I turn 30. Is that goal too lofty? Maybe by 40. Maybe by the time Cami graduates.

5. Running: Running is the ultimate drug for me. After giving birth, there's a lot of peace in running, even if she's whining in the stroller.
Last year I ran my first half and I'm planning a second.
I joined the "Walk/Run Club" or something at the Olympic Oval. It's only $25 a year and I can go whenever I want and push Cami. For the longer runs, I may take her to the rec center daycare.
I want to keep up with this. When I turn 30 or 40 I plan on doing a marathon, but I can't imagine that time commitment while juggling a two-year-old.

6. Mom's Wedding Part 2: My mom's doing the marriage thing again this year.
We've all known Jim for a while. Jim's family and my family lived in the same neighborhood more than 15 years ago.
My parents used to go on double dates with Jim and his wife. My dad and his wife passed away and the reintroduced themselves.
It's crazy how things line up like that.
So in a little over a week, my mom will be married again. I'm so happy for her. She deserves to be happy.

7. Sprinklers: Moving into a used house was a good decision, but our house was well-loved in some ways.
The sprinklers broke in less than a year and we found that the people who owned the house before us used copper pipes, which is both crazy expensive and awful because they wear out more quickly than PVC pipe.
Without a sprinkling system, watering our smallish yard takes around two hour. That's not exactly how I want to spend my time during the summer....AGAIN.

8. Camikins: Our cute, little girl will be three by this time next year. She's so smart already and it's hard to picture what she will be like next year.
We'll be inching her into a "big kid bed". I try to picture a bed in place of her crib and it freaks me out. I'm so nervous about this year. What if she gets up early and wakes us up all the time because she has nothing to cage her in during the morning.
Then there is potty training. A whole different animal and as a working mom, I have no idea how I'm going to tackle that beast. Cami is such a creature of habit too, teaching her new habits like sleeping in a bed and potty training.
Lots of big stuff this year for my little girl. I've been thinking about introducing tumbling or something too. She's such a rowdy girl, I think she will love rolling around and such.

9. Macie: This one is hot off the cell phone. Dave's sister just had her little baby girl: Macie Loa. She's so beautiful and I'm so excited to have her in my basement (in a non-creepy way).
There are a few other babies this year, but none that will be so close. Babies!

10. Verizon: I like making predictions in my blog. Some I'm right and some I'm wrong.
Dave's worked really hard at Verizon Wireless for more than three years and he's been passed over for promotions and recognition.
I think he'll finally nail a promotion.
Last night he told me that if he didn't get the promotion this year, he would see it as a sign that it wasn't the right time for our family.
His shift would be really hard on our family. I wouldn't see him; I would go to bed before he got home and leave before he got up. It would be really hard on our relationship, but my husband deserves to feel successful. I always see him as successful but I know that a promition would make him feel that way.

Well, I made it to ten this year. Ten things that this year will bring to my family this year. Some big moments and some scary moments are ahead. I'm really excited.

2013 List

2013 was predictable. At the beginning of 2013 I made a lot of hopes and guesses for what the year would bring for my family. I was pleasantly surprised.
Like every year, there were things on that list that didn't happen the way I hope; but there were some things that worked out far better than I imagined.

1. New Job: I knew I wasn't supposed to stay at KSL this year. I made a goal last year to be done by April 2013. It took longer than I anticipated.; but I finally left the television business after 2 1/2 years working in Master Control for KSL.
My search led me to Myriad Genetic Laboratories, in a Patient Service Coordinator position. I make a difference everyday by coordinating insurance companies, doctors and patients with the hereditary cancer testing they need.  It's been such a life changing decision and it has changed me a lot. Not only do I spend my work day on the phone with India, I work a morning schedule of 6 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. with weekends and holidays off.  For the first since I was in high school, I didn't have to work Christmas Eve or New Year's Eve. Myriad is also an incredible great company to work for and I'm glad that I don't have to worry about getting laid off this year. For once, I feel pretty stable in my career and that's a feeling that can not be matched in today's economy.

Sliding in weather slightly above freezing.

2. Cami: I could write about these changes forever.  2013 brought a new child. She picked up walking kind of slow, but when she had it, she ran with it (literally). After Cami mastered running, she picked up words pretty quick. Her first word was "Daddy" (big surprise there) and "E I E I O" from her Baby Einstein videos.  She used to say the words to the song whenever she felt some sort of emotion. While brushing her extremely thick, knotty hair she would cry very pitifully, sobbing "E I E I O".  In the last two months she started to put together short sentences and telling us what she wants.  She walks independently and holds hands so we don't have to carry her into the store or wherever we go.  That is life changing! No more carrying 45 pounds around with me when I have to go somewhere makes errand seem almost bearable.  Cami seems like a real child now and not just a screaming baby.  She has her difficult days and she would watch "bee bee" all day if we let her.
In 2013 I grew to love her as a mother. It may not have happened the first day my eyes so her chubby cheeks and thick hair. I may not have swooned at her cuddling with me to feed as a baby, but love finds a way.

3. Running: This was an unexpected joy in 2013. After doing the Insanity workout program twice, I needed to switch up my workouts. It was getting so hard to do it and such a drag! So I looked up some running programs to switch it up.  Early in the summer, Cami and I took some long runs to pass the time before work. It was a hot summer, but by the end of July, I ran my first half-marathon.  I ran the South Jordan City half-marathon. It is a wimpy race with no more than like 200 people.  I ran by myself most of the time and despite the hills, I set a personal record. It was amazing to cross the finish line and feel that if I could run a half-marathon, I could accomplish anything.  It was so much fun and I can't wait to do it again in 2014.

Great Grandma Oberg and Cami

4. Reno: The quick trip to Reno happened at the end of September. It was a long drive and a lot of Dave's dad, which can wear on anyone after a while (he's a little pessimistic, okay, maybe a lot sometimes).  We watched a lot of Elmo on the drive and there wasn't much of a nap or sleeping during our stay. Even though it was hard, Dave's grandma loved meeting Cami.
In fact, two weeks after our trek to Reno. They decided to move into an asissted living facility in Utah.  It's wonderful to see them for holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. At Christmas this year, Cami went up to her great grandma to play with her. Seeing a great grandmother in action is like seeing a unicorn for me. It's cheery and joyful.

Bear Lake

5. Vacations: We took a few family vacations this year. With my family we went to Bear Lake and stayed in a condo.  The two hour drive was hellacious, Cami screamed and cried the whole time. The trip was a little hard at times, but Cami loved spending time with her cousins and playing in the lake.
With Dave's family, we spent a weekend in August up at the family cabin.  This was a lot harder. Cami did little sleeping, but we stuck it out.  She really loves the outdoors and if she would have slept, our trip would have been perfect.

Brad & Jaycie

6. Roommates: We also gained roommates and a lot faster than intended.
It started with Brad and Jaycie. Brad is Dave's best friend from his childhood. He and his wife moved to South Carolina at the beginning of the year and Dave pressured them to move to Utah. Brad hated his job in South Caroline and Jaycie was super homesick so he got a job with Dave and moved across the country. We made a deal that they would always have a place with us if they wanted and they did in August.

Heather and Josh, Dave's sister and husband, found out they were pregnant at the beginning of the year and decided they needed to move somewhere a little less expensive then their basement apartment.  They were planning on living with her sister and husband in Eagle Mountain but were still hoping to find something closer.  We offered our basement and they moved in a few days before Brad and Jaycie.
We never anticipated having two extra couples in our basement and there have been some challenges, but like a weird family, we make it work.
My favorite part of this was the relationships I gained:  A greater relationship with my sister-in-law and the new baby she will bring to our house next year; and a best friend in Jaycie.
Having her in the house with my after work has been so much fun. A few weeks after they moved in, I helped get her a job with me. We eat lunch together and we hang out after work. Good chick friends are priceless!  She isn't dramatic, isn't judgmental and she's totally chill and I love her! It's been a long time since I had a really good friend outside of Dave. Doubling with Brad and Jaycie have been really fun. I'm going to miss them when they move out this month.

Not mine

7. Pregnancy: Not mine!  Lots of family members announced they were having a baby this year. Dave's sister, Heather and her husband, Josh, announced in the spring that they were due in January. At the end of this month Cami will have a baby cousin downstairs, named Macie.
Dave's brother, Jeff, and his wife announced in October that they were expected a girl, Evelyn, in April.
At first all of the pregnancies were hard. I knew that our little family was not complete and we will have another child eventually, but pregnancy was hard for me due to the blood  clot and the expensive medication (hell, we're still paying that off).  Cami was also a super hard baby and the thought of another screaming baby isn't something I'm eager to start again.  Then everything changed, I get a baby downstairs that I can hold and cuddle whenever I want and when she starts crying I can go back upstairs. We're not ready right now and that's okay. With our second and final child, we'll be more ready than we were for Cami.

Melissa and Angel

8. Engagements: My niece, Melissa, and her boyfriend got engaged. They are getting married in September.
This year my mom also found someone, an old friend named Jim Powell. They connected shortly after his wife passed away and they grieved for their spouses together and found love.  It's so nice to see my mom happy again.  After my dad passed away she had a really hard time and was super lonely. I'm happy she found someone so quickly. Jim is nothing like my dad, but he is a good man and he loves my mom.  He also has a super cute little dog that Cami loves sometimes and also makes her nervous.


Eight things. Eight fantastic things that 2013 brought. It hasn't been a walk in the park, but 2013 was pretty great. Here's a to good year and may 2014 bring the same joy and excitement that I felt this year.

2013 in one photo

2013 was quite the adventure for the Hunt family. We had a lot of struggles and a lot of joy.