12.19.2014

Nightmare

A few nights ago I had this horrible dream that stressed me out beyond belief.
Dave and I are cuddling on the couch watching some stupid movie and I feel something moving between my legs.
When I look down, it is a tiny baby hand moving around so I sit up and open my legs to see our new baby daughter laying calmly between us.
Because I am only 23 weeks along, I start freaking out. Our baby was obviously not very developed and looked kind of alien-like with an enormous forehead and eyes spaced far apart. Dave leaves the house because our phones aren't working and he wants to call for help.  I am running around asking everyone for a cell-phone but no one will help me.
I find my mom eventually, who helps me hold the baby, carefully walking beside me because the umbilical cord is still connected. We are walking through a parking lot when my water finally breaks and it's not just water, it's yellowish thick substance that looks and smells weird. My mom mentions that she thinks I have an infection and our need to hurry just be increased.
Finally we find someone with a cell phone who calls for an ambulance. The ambulance takes us to the hospital and in the NICU the doctors say that there are babies more sick than my baby and that it looks like we're both doing fine. They still set us up on a bed and I'm sick with exhaustion and stress.
My mom holds the baby up for me because she says the baby is happy.  In the hours between birth and the hospital she has grown by several months and has a small tuft of brown curly hair on top and she gives me a big gummy smile.
The meaning of this dream is ridiculously obvious. I have felt very anxious about this pregnancy and this baby from the very beginning. All I know is complications during pregnancy and a difficult baby. Like all women, I want someone to relate and someone to really be there for me and as a by-product: this baby.
Dave and I had a really good discussion about it and although that's the way I felt. Really, we did not choose to have a baby for attention or friendship. I didn't get pregnant to get praised and questioned constantly. We chose to have another baby because WE wanted to and because we wanted to complete our family. WE chose this, it was not an accident and I am genuinely excited to see the future for this baby and our family

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