Lessons on Happiness

I learned a lot in the last few months about relationships, family, and living my life. It's funny. I feel like I turned thirty and I'm finally starting to understand life (at least a little bit).

Four months ago i quit my job to stay home with my kids. I'm lucky to stay in contact with one of my dear friends from Myriad, Courtney. We are the same age (I think) and we love books. We used to sit across the aisle and interrupt each other randomly to talk about books. I joined a book club with her so I get to see her at least once a month.

Courtney's had a rough go the last few years with her fixer-upper house, family, and job. She's incredibly sweet and works hard at everything.

I met up with her at book club on Monday. We spoke about the big changes in her life, mainly her promotion to Assistant Clinical Data Specialtist (or something). She deserves all good things that come to her and I really feel happy for her.

I came home feeling a little self-doubt. If I was at Myriad, would I have been promoted with Courtney? Could we be working together? I loved my job because I felt like I was good at it and I made a difference. I worked hard and I felt like our finances showed the hard work. Unless I donate plasma, I don't earn a cent, but I feel like I still work hard every day. I will not receive any type of promotion where I am now.

While talking with Dave about my doubts, he tried to reassure me, "You were promoted to something really vital and important to our family." Husbands, am I right? I didn't think he understood. He's valued in his job, he's financially compensated, and promoted easily. 

Who knew that Heath Ledger or whoever, would help me figure out the truth. I found this quote on Facebook and I don't know how true or if he even said it.

There's that light bulb. Are you happy?

Was I happy when I worked full time? Kind of, but only until I came home and faced everything I left behind in my search for recognition and money. 

Am I happy at home? YES! I love my "work" as a stay at home mom. I don't have to rush out of work to see my girls again. I get to actually handle the housework. Dishes, laundry, and dinner are pretty manageable every day-I could never say that while I was working full time. 

Happy will different from person to person and situations may make things more difficult. So maybe if I don't feel happy, I need to find the happy because that's the most important part. 

Broke is Broke

My livelihood is dead this week.

Okay, really it's been dead for six weeks.

My beloved external hard drive, Florence, passed away sometime around June 15th.

I could not be saved. I.T. company wants $2,000 to "maybe" try to recover and compartmentalize her innards.

Her brain was just beginning to grow with stories about my dad and his writings. 150 pages of scanned, books, letters and other elements of my father were filling spots within the framework.

What I miss most is Florence's heart, where my dreams were alive. Where books and stories built momentum in words and chapters.  I spend hours, days, probably years on some of the writings in her heart. So much time spent in readying Karl, Alex, John Brown and Adam for the world.  I think Florence and I shared a heart sometimes.

I don't have a lot of value in myself, money or things.  My value is in words and dreams.  It's hard not to be dramatic.

Earlier today I talked to woman about some medical testing and she claimed that $2,000 was all in the day's work for her husband. I wish he could give me one of his days to save some of my years.

200 pages of my dream is gone and it cannot be rebuild. Along with the elements of this Earth, I have changed and cannot duplicate some of the words that started the framework of this book almost ten years ago. It's the only thing that hasn't changed with marriage, birth or death. It held so much of me inside it's plastic walls. Those words were my rock. Erased. My dad. My heart.

What is life without dreams?

I am different

I am different.
Most of the time I feel normal.

• I have a full time job where I do more than punch keys or stare at a computer screen.
• I am a wife. My husband is my best friend and that's more important to me than cliche' romantic gestures.
• Together we have a daughter with a strong will and a big heart. 
• We live in a nice house and neighborhood where I feel safe and comfortable.
• I am part of a great legacy of realists and dreamers, where money is minimal but love and family are pinnacle.

This is normal and these things are important, yet around me-people want more.They want a perfect yard with perfectly trimmed rosebushes, or spot free cars.  I have friends with new houses with more bathrooms than family members or friends with brand names clothes, who pay more than "$30 for this shirt".

Only then do I notice the difference. I'm happy when you are silent. When you shut up about things and share stories.  Stop talking about spend money and talk about family.  Listen to what isn't said. Listen to happy kids playing or older siblings laughing.  Or maybe live instead of buying or showing. How about being different.