Ghost of Christmas Past

The "Ghost of Christmas Past" has haunted me all month.  Things are so different now. The cold air bites my face and fingers while I stand at the Trax station.  The sight of snow makes me swear and I trudge through the snow without creating a "secret snowangel". 
KSL and Energy Solutions Arena are decked out in supposedly bright lights to reflect the holiday spirit. Instead, the dull Christmas lights in the trees glare at me from the branches. At temple square, the lights are bright but in a way that reminds me of Hollywood--desperate and superficial. I mean Jesus is floating in the reflecting pool. 
Christmas is in a week and I haven't even watched a single Christmas movie.  "A Charlie Brown's Christmas Story", "The Santa Clause" and "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" have not moved from the back of my movie binder.  The seem likely to remain.
I work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. When people ask me about Christmas it seems hollow, like an obligation. I feel like a cynic.  Christmas used to be about giving when you didn't have to (even if it was from the dollar store), about cheesy Christmas carols on metal pipes with cousins (singing as off-key as I could to cover up my timing).  I remember my Grandpa Lewis reading the Christmas story in a strong clear voice while the cousins put up pictures on the flannel board. It used to be about monster breakfast (the best meal of the year); or families, where I could have my brothers and sister and their families to make me feel like I belonged. 
Christmas traditions have changed and I feel a little left in the dust.  Instead of Christmas carrying me to where My mom and dad are great, but spending Christmas in front of the tree by myself is just a bigger reminder of what used to be.  I remember sitting in the circle with the tree and family.  I guess this is what most "single" people feel. I feel like I missed the Christmas train and now there's no going back. I kinda wish I could skip Christmas this year, it blows.

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