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mytate@juno.com

Mon 9/19/2016 2:12 PM

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devil_chair@hotmail.com;

Heads Up: This is a very religious post. So either move on or gear up.

Since Emily was born, I've super struggled with church. If you didn't know that, cruise back through the posts and you will see and feel it in my words.

It's taken me a really long time to feel okay to even be inside a church. I've stumbled many times, picked up and stumbled for years-YEARS.  The day I finally took the sacrament again, I felt so much joy in my life again that I told myself I'd do everything I could to stay worthy of that blessing. 

I've been at it for five years to the best of my ability, but it's hard. It's really hard. I've made the clear in many posts.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I usually go to Gospel Essentials because I love the focus on the Savior and the hard basics.  Yesterday, the cancelled it because they were doing some teacher improvement class or something. 

The teacher isn't very great and I feel empty.  No spirit, no community-nothing.  I feel frustrated because I'm working so hard for the Spirit. I'm trying to keep it in my life-despite everything and it's gone.  I feel frustrated and lonely.

Technology is crazy. My friend "liked" some article by Al Carraway.  I don't love her. She strikes me as an uppity church person, who talks down to people and unconsciously sends the message, "Look how great I've become, you can too" and it's a load of garbage.

Her article, found here, was on her broken engagement and her awful feelings regarding trials. She talks about all the things she learned, which I skimmed because she was righteous when she had these trials and so it didn't feel applicable.  Then there was this section that slapped me so hard. 

"Do not let time and trials dim your faith or diminish the truthfulness of His promises to you.  Never lose confidence, His promises are so real.  There are far, far better things ahead, I promise.   God promises. That's what I love about Him, you will never be short changed from the best blessings ever.  Your prayers have been heard.  But greater are the things He has in store for you.  Receive the unexpected but profoundly greater path with the best blessings."

Initially I feel like it's easy for her to say. She hasn't experienced what I have, but that's not the point.

I could copy and paste the full last half of this article because it spoke so strongly to me.  Faith isn't easy.  Going to church every Sunday and reading your scriptures may feel hollow now, but that doesn't mean I'm forgotten, doesn't mean I'm alone. Covenants are sacred and if I'm doing my part, Heavenly Father will take care of it-take care of me.