The challenges create blessings

A long time ago my older brother gave me the best advice of my life, "If you are doing everything you can, you will not be denied any of the blessings/promises."

I shared this thought at church the other day-not really seeing it and saying it more as a reminder and comforting statement.

I'm beginning to see it.

Cameron, my hardest baby and the most stubborn kid in the world. Her firm attitude is not just for what she wants to do, eat or sit. Since her first day in nursery, she has loved church. She practically counts down the days each week. Every week that I've struggled, she is there with those bright eyes asking me if we were going to church. 

When I feel alone in my choices and desires, she's been there to carry my resolve and push me.

I've tried to introduce more of the gospel in our home and there is no resistance from Cami. She embraces it as though these principles have always been there. 

She was once my biggest challenge, the biggest fight-and now she's my blessing. 

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mytate@juno.com

Mon 9/19/2016 2:12 PM

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devil_chair@hotmail.com;

Heads Up: This is a very religious post. So either move on or gear up.

Since Emily was born, I've super struggled with church. If you didn't know that, cruise back through the posts and you will see and feel it in my words.

It's taken me a really long time to feel okay to even be inside a church. I've stumbled many times, picked up and stumbled for years-YEARS.  The day I finally took the sacrament again, I felt so much joy in my life again that I told myself I'd do everything I could to stay worthy of that blessing. 

I've been at it for five years to the best of my ability, but it's hard. It's really hard. I've made the clear in many posts.

Yesterday was a hard day.  I usually go to Gospel Essentials because I love the focus on the Savior and the hard basics.  Yesterday, the cancelled it because they were doing some teacher improvement class or something. 

The teacher isn't very great and I feel empty.  No spirit, no community-nothing.  I feel frustrated because I'm working so hard for the Spirit. I'm trying to keep it in my life-despite everything and it's gone.  I feel frustrated and lonely.

Technology is crazy. My friend "liked" some article by Al Carraway.  I don't love her. She strikes me as an uppity church person, who talks down to people and unconsciously sends the message, "Look how great I've become, you can too" and it's a load of garbage.

Her article, found here, was on her broken engagement and her awful feelings regarding trials. She talks about all the things she learned, which I skimmed because she was righteous when she had these trials and so it didn't feel applicable.  Then there was this section that slapped me so hard. 

"Do not let time and trials dim your faith or diminish the truthfulness of His promises to you.  Never lose confidence, His promises are so real.  There are far, far better things ahead, I promise.   God promises. That's what I love about Him, you will never be short changed from the best blessings ever.  Your prayers have been heard.  But greater are the things He has in store for you.  Receive the unexpected but profoundly greater path with the best blessings."

Initially I feel like it's easy for her to say. She hasn't experienced what I have, but that's not the point.

I could copy and paste the full last half of this article because it spoke so strongly to me.  Faith isn't easy.  Going to church every Sunday and reading your scriptures may feel hollow now, but that doesn't mean I'm forgotten, doesn't mean I'm alone. Covenants are sacred and if I'm doing my part, Heavenly Father will take care of it-take care of me.

Swim

Let's be real, sometimes things are really hard.  Sometimes little things mean the world or feels like the end of it.
Today has been really hard.  I'm not going to whine and complain about the things I struggle with.  I want to talk about the power of music.
I usually listen to podcasts at work.  If you told me five or ten years ago that I would be listening to psuedo talk radio for entertainment at work,  I would have laughed for days.  These podcasts are in no way depressing ; they are an odd collection of stories from history,  writing tips, movie reviews and audio books.
This week felt hard due to my unlisted frustrations. Twice I turned on "Pandora" at work and in less than 20 minutes,  I felt better.
One artist speaks to me more than others:Andrew McMahon.  He has a few different music projects and every one has at least one song that has held my crazy brain together.
There's "Cecilia and the Satellite" that shield to me on multiple levels as a parent and as someone s kid.
Today's song I've heard probably a hundred times from his band,  Jack's Mannequin-Swim.   It's so perfect for today.  The lyric that stuck out at grabbed my ears forcefull was "you gotta swim and swim when it hurts.... you haven't come this far too fall off the earth. "
Sometimes life isn't like stupid happy mom blogs or picture perfect moments.  Sometimes it's drifting and you are swimming to stay afloat.  In those moments, you may find what you need in a tune or a lyric.
Thanks, Andrew McMahon. Ill swim today.

Worth it moment

Yesterday was a hard day. Full time working mom with young kids burns me out.  Thursdays can be especially bad.  Emily has been teething and Cami is in full defiant,  not-listening mode.  I even sent her to time out.
Twenty minutes after bed time,  Cali
Cami starts yelling.
As usual,  her blankets are "all scrumpous".
While I'm pulling her blankets tight around her she keeps talking.
"I feel better now , mommy"
"I'm glad.  I'm sorry you had a hard time today. " I say,  thinking of the screaming, telling and 'I'm not doing that'.
"Tomorrow I can try to do better. " It's said perfectly ,  with no hesitation. "I will listen to grandma. " (she's going to my mom's for the weekend today).
I say something totally out of a book, "It's true tomorrow is a new day. "
After spending the afternoon in frustrated tears,  I needed to hear my own advice too. One day at a time.

This journey

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat." Theodore Roosevelt

This Fight

Work has been really slow lately. It makes the days feel long and my mind more crazy.
At work, we have patient speakers come and talk to us. They tell their story to reminds us of the impact of our work and to share their experience living with a hereditary cancer syndrome.
It's very powerful to hear people empowered and taking their life back from generic predisposition.
I get something more. I remember applying/interviewing and knowing this was where I belong. I'm not here to earn a paycheck; we don't really need it.
My dad's cancer is not hereditary (as far as science can tell), but if genetic testing could save his life, I would fight for it.
Sitting in the  auditorium, I felt him. I really believe he put me here.
I'm fighting for wonderful people to live until their 90, see their kids and grandkids grow up. I can't go back in time and save my dad, but each genetic test I fight for gives knowledge and power to others.

Utah Religion

I'm about to get on my soap box and things are about to get real personal.
I am a member of The Church of Latter Day Saints. This weekend was General Conference , where twice a year we are taught in a weekend long conference by the leaders of the church.
Almost immediately following this conference, this post started to circulate among my friends and their social media

I take offense to everything about this post. Only in Utah would this be OK and draw so many tears. She is outright portraying herself as better than this man at first by appearance and second by spirit. His appearance in the conference center changed her heart. The physical appearance or presence of anyone should never be a big deal. The gospel is about equality and love. Her post shows none of that beyond her selfish recognition. Did she speak with him? Did she tell him she felt this way? I find it disturbing that her feelings weren't from her presence there, from anyone besides someone with a past. People with a past are not at church to improve your testimony or remind you of Christ.
You could argue that she was staying that physical appearance doesn't matter while he is in a holy place, but the fact that she brings it up at all shows otherwise.
I stopped going to church for a few years. The people I knew and interacted with did not seem to see what I wore and didn't care about my past choices. They cared about how I felt in the moment and the present situation I was living in.
I have a testimony of the church. I know it's true. I feel so much joy when I'm there, but when some members open their mouths, I lose it. I feel separate and aware of my imperfections. Aware of mistakes that I've repented for and aware that my dress is too frumpy.
Christ didn't see me that way and he doesn't see that man that way. My mistakes, visible or not do not matter. He sees us all as works in progress. He sees our heart and our spirit. Wake up, Utah. We're more than our visible appearance and past errors. We are the same. Let our religion be in our hearts.